|Reviews for The Others|
| hellomoto chapter 4 . 5/4/2009
wow just wow this story is going really good. its hard to find stories as good as this here. i wonder if marla has any power but i'm sure she does because it sort of obvious, if she didnt ther would be no story.
anyhoo... please continue it would be a shame if you dont.
| Lula with the snakes chapter 4 . 4/11/2009
I luvd this chappie...
I was thinking about the books that you must have read, and probably thought about while witting these, I hope you're not offended:
The lord of the rings
Well... you text has a resemblance to themm all, like the mermaid's carnivorous nature, and the flesh that can be dangeroues, that would be frm Mermaid's forest. I think everything else is pretty obvious. I've always luvd these epic stories pr whatever. Hey! Little wonders is taking you ages to update you meanie!
Well... If you need criticism... I'd say you still suck at grammar. And you are falling for stereothypes or whatever...
| Mary Chrys chapter 1 . 4/1/2009
I'm sorry, I read this story a while ago, but I haven't gotten around to reviewing until now.
This sound like a good start to a good story. However, there are a few things I thought I should point out.
You said that Marla had to wake up at eight o'clock for school, but then you said that her dad was bringing her to school and he was leaving at 7:15.
Also, I'm not sure I like the "heartless bitch" thing. I mean, someone without a perfect disposition is refreshing, but even in real life, you don't often stumble upon heartless bitches.
The lack of connection to her family is very interesting, but having grown up with them, shouldn't she feel something? Even the tiniest little thing?
Anyway, other than that, great chapter, and I will try to get to the other chapters soon.
| Lula with the snakes chapter 3 . 3/26/2009
Your story is fine. I like it.
It is very 'avatar' and 'harry potter' and some other thing i cant quite put my finger in, buut it's good. Your grammar is... bad, and it must be really bad if even i realize some mistakes over there. It's fast pased too.
And... have I told you I'ma lousy reviewer? I hate to criticize, 'cause I'm not that good either. So... I like it.
| Lula with the snakes chapter 1 . 3/25/2009
So... you did ask for harsh revew right? As you probably know, as I spend my days reviewing your stories in fanfiction, I'm not really good at reviewing, but I did found something quite bothersome in this chapter. It was Marla's friend's name, Francesca. I don't know, but that part of the story had something that I just didn't like.
Everything else was just fine, but I think you're getting so into this 'OMG my first novel' that you're leaving aside your 'funny touch' while writing. Also, you maybe trying to hard, yous should let it flow.
Sory 4 grammar, or if something just doesn't make any sense.
| Laura Lopez chapter 4 . 3/8/2009
Spelling/Grammar: This is the bigest problem you will need to work on in your story. In one sentence you say"...and other lucky bugs that got lucky...". You need to watch out for that, repeating words or using unneccessary words.
Also sentences that don't make a great deal of sense like "There's something like that?" could have been written as, "there's such a place?"
You should do grammar checks in what ever you use, like Microsoft Works Word Processor.
And what is kowtow? I think you mean to put bow down, but it says kowtow. (ch.2)
Characters: My only dilemma with the characters is Demarkus. He seems to be swtiching his personality or intellect. In the begging he seems smart but then there's a chapter(the part where he gets healed) where his sentences lack intelligence and then it goes back to somewhat this is just a warning for future chapters, I'd hate to have Demarkus seem ignorant, he's a great character when he seems wise. Everyone else I think is really well put together especially how Maye is just learning things. And it's funny how you make Hunter wear a mask. lol :D
Pace: At frist I thought the pace was extremely too fast for the somewhat new cliche you are writing. But as I continued to read on it fit well. Your chapters are long, and therefore the pace goes well because you know when and where to end a section in a chapter or the chapter itself.
Scene: I think you write most scenes very well. You describe a lot, but maybe you could describe a bit more somtimes, like with the schools, in earth and the other world. You didn't describe them well, and if there are to be more scenes in thsoe places you should describe them better. I liked the underwater scene in particular because of how you change the look of mermaids.
Comments:It seems you have some trouble with writing. I mean spelling/grammar wise. That would be the downfall of your stories and I'd hate to see a good story idea and good characters go to waste and no one read it becaue of bad spelling and/or grammar. Overall, I really did like it. I like how you fit your characters and for the most part didn't make them change so far. Good job and good luck on finishing your story. :D
| Laura chapter 1 . 2/2/2009
Hey this is Laura, I'm not finished reading but there's just one thing I want to point out. When you are using the tenses, like past, present future, you aren't that well at knowing the right way to spell the words. Like when you said that her father leant in, it should be leaned in. The same goes for when you had said she learnt to deal with it. It should be learned. I'll write the in-depth reviews when I am finished reading. :D
| Jessie My Love chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
The whole 'lost princess' thing is a bit cliche, but this story seems original enough so it didn't bother me.
I love the idea of the mirror and the whole animal talking thing. Having it open with the mirror really was a good start for the story.
The only thing I think you should work on is the whole 'show not tell' thing. A lot of times it seemed like you were telling the reader useless information so yea.
Well, good job. :]
-Jessie m e
| cajun-cuteness chapter 4 . 1/29/2009
She's kinda evil, ain't she?
| Interrobang chapter 3 . 1/13/2009
“four days of nonstop trip” “four nonstop days of travelling”
“didn’t want to discuss about it” “didn’t want to discuss it”
“pout his beak” “put his beak”
“Which we are all” “which we all are”
“that’s why you should the real one fast” “that’s why you should find the real one fast”
“Some water get inside her mouth” “Some water got inside her mouth”
Worship the wind people? Aren’t they the wind people? Or do you mean so that the Wind people could worship their God(s)? And what about the spell they cast, cats and birds don’t exactly have index fingers… Also, why would Demetrius have wrinkles at twenty? I understand a few, but it sounds like your expect him to be chock full of ‘em. Also, a volcano and lava are technically still land…
I also like the word “Barony” and “Gorhagas” You have a real talent for magical names that are fun to say. I also like Hunter, his character seems very interesting, I’m starting to get how he could drag Marla. And the fact that the mirror is a suck up. The part where she gave the hobo her money was really nice, especially since her indifference to her mother right before that was annoying me. And her thinking of Demetrius as an old man. This chapter is much better than the last two, grammatically and descriptively.
Perhaps you could describe the singing of the mirror more? And explaining the magical process might make it more interesting and clear. One of my favorite fantasy stories has a character who talked about spells as if they were scientific theorems, and that actually made them clearer. I really liked the description of the merpeople.
| mikey magee chapter 3 . 1/13/2009
Grammar/Spelling: "the sounds it usually used." This read a little bit awkward. Maybe change to "Sounds it usually sung with."
"At the mean time," *"in the mean time"
"shop-together kind of thing." *"Kind of things"
"That's why you should the real one fast" *"that is why you should become the real one fast."
Writing: You did use some nice imagery, but some of your wording was a little strange. Like "All of a sudden" or "she said his name so that he's the one who'll answer her question" These seemed to detract from the flow of the story. But don't worry a quick edit will fix it! I do that a lot myself so don't worry too much about it. But, as I've said in other chapters use a little more description. For example when everyone is listening to the mirror try and describe other things as well. Does the mirror make colorful images? What did the room look like? Hoe did everyone feel , or better still how did Marla feel while listening to the music? Enchanted? Disgusted? Afraid? Why?
Plot: I love how in only a few chapters you've managed to explain how an entire world function so nicely, and how and why these things are happening the way they are. That is not an easy thing to do, especially in a fantasy story. In the last chapter I belived there was going to be a romantic element to the story, in which Marla reacted to Demitruis (that was his name right? I'm sorry I'm really bad at names) You set up a good plot (Marla going to the magical world to tend to her powers) And a good subplot (Marla learning more about the magical realm and the things that will probably happen to her there"
Characters: I like the character of Hunter. Even though you used the tough guy arch type, you balanced it out by making him a cat. You've given him nice tough mannerisms and a realistic type of speech. I'm really interested in learning more about him and his relationship to his master.
| mikey magee chapter 2 . 1/13/2009
Writing: I liked how you used the imagery in the first line "she anunciated" it was nice word choice and it help me to picture not only how she was saying it, but also how she felt at the moment. You did this well in other parts too, especially the part when Demitrius (i think that's his name) was bleeding. But when the cat bit Marla, you didn't write any reaction for her. Did she feel pain?
Grammar/Spelling: "signed to a reality show" you mean "signed onto a reality show"
"this dream will come true" You mean "This dream would come true."
"fine in the ground" you mean "fine on the ground"
"That's not.. a real question, isn't it?" Demarkus said amusedly."
You mean "is it?"
"same color as he" You mean "Same color as his."
"In other worlds, it's the" "in other words."
"Marla could hear Demitrius flew" "Demitrius fly" could hear is present tense. or change "hear" to "heard"
Other: You explained the whole other world thing nicely. It sounded realistic and I liked that you also added in some of the birds "natural" mannerisms while she was talking.
Pace: The pace was alright in this chapter. In the first part when Demitruis was bleeding, you could of streched this description a little bit more. For a little more gravity. Maybe some more outward action.
Opening/ending: the opening was nice, it set up hoe Marla felt. The ending added a nice plot twist again It left me wondering, what had he done? Nice job on that!
| mikey magee chapter 1 . 1/13/2009
Grammar/Spelling: "metres" should be "meters." and "Be prepared for live" shouldn't that be "life"?
"It must be the schoolworks" That sounds a little strange, maybe change to "It must have been the school work."
"This thing is evil!" You only need one exclamation point.
"Marla felt the need to stare at it always" this should be written "Marla felt the need to stare at." But, the word choice still seems a little strange. But maybe it's just me.
writing: The writing style was nice, but there were sometimes when it didn't flow well. I think it would help if you added a little more description within some of the paragraphs. A few lines here and there that way it would be easier to picture things.
Opening/Ending: I absolutely loved your opening line. "The mirror was singing again" That just jumped right off the page! And the ending line was a nice twist, it made me want to read straight to the next page.
Plot: The plot is well established. I can already tell there are going to be a lot of twists and turns. But, I still think it would be a little better if you had a little more description.
Character: I liked how you gve the character alot of humanistic qualities, like not being able to remember people's names. I have that problem myself. It gave me the ability to relate with her. Nice job!
| Interrobang chapter 2 . 1/12/2009
“The whole school was being slow-motioned” “the whole school was in slow motion”
“make an unreality live” “make a fantasy come true”?
“maybe all of this are all acting” “Maybe they’re all acting”
“Slowed down midday” “slowed down midway”
“With so many thesauruses from the bird” …What?
“other lucky bugs that got lucky” repetitive.
“magic like these” “magic like this”
“She stuck a thumb on herself” “she pointer her thumb at herself”
“fresh like new” “fresh and new”?
“how could you stoop yourself so low” “How could you stoop so low”
“broke the first rule” “break the first rule”
Explain that she is on the ground in the beginning. When I hear the apple slowing part I thought “A four-story-high apple tree?” before I realized a few paragraphs later that she was on the ground. Also the comment about the boy walking fine on the ground confused me. Why wouldn’t he? And “you’re not a wind bearer but there’s a good chance you are” makes no sense.
Put in some details: Explain how they’re normal yet abnormal? Why does the shirt seem expensive? Also, how does a cat drag a human girl? And you might want to explain how Marla never got cut in her entire life… or had bloodshot eyes… or a blood test… or even picked at a zit, so that she doesn’t know her blood is blue. Even if sharp things did ‘avoid her’ it’s a pretty problem. I like the details about their Otherworld, by the way.
I like the “especially during school hours!” comment. And the “but she is also dumb” made me giggle. I liked the description of Demarkus clutching his chest (I was wondering when he was going to deal with his wound) and the mention of her geography class saying nothing about this “other side of the earth thingy“. I liked how Marla could see sense in there ‘garbage words’ and Marla wanting to trash talk their world after they ragged on earth so much. And the word “Durre” is cool.
| Interrobang chapter 1 . 1/11/2009
I loved your opening line, it really catches your attention and makes you think “wha…? I am intrigued!” The description afterwards is a bit awkward, but they part about it glowing and still singing brought me right back into the story. The ending line, however, was a tiny bit cliché…
(original phrase followed by what might be better for flow and grammar)
“Marla's eyes were wide awake even though they felt hot…” “Marla was wide awake, even though her eyes felt hot…”
“Her body wasn’t rigid, but it was close” “her body was nearly rigid”
“She lived her life like the usual” “She carried on with her life as usual”
“When Glenda’s dead” “when Glenda died”.
“The schoolworks” “the schoolwork”
“keeping an eye of her” keeping an eye on her
“What came to her liking” what she liked
“or see lights” or seeing lights
“About Francesca’s saying” “about what Francesca said”
“the hold onto the coffe” not sure what this means exactly…. “To get a hold of the coffee”?
“I’ll take showers” “I’ll take a shower”
She checked the streets? Like looked out of her window or actually went out there? (I like the part where she missed the hobo’s snore) In the note, is it really ‘be prepared for live?” should it be ‘be prepared to live?’ or ‘be prepared for life?’ I liked the part about her ‘major sleep debts’, and the characterization of Marla’s friend Francesca. I really liked the part about her dad being so good and her wishing he had some awful traits just to be more interesting, and about her coffee addiction. I also liked how she remembered he was floating, because I was thinking “he is…standing outside of her window? And so’s the cat? I though this was a higher floor?”
Ge…. I know Marla is supposed to be a bitch (hey, she said it, not me) but sympathizing with her is kinda… hard. I mean, I can see not wanting to be relied on in projects or hang out with people who used to be mean to you, but her complaining gets a bit boring after a while. And her effortless intelligence is also a turn off. I get good grades too, and it isn’t a major stress, but it isn’t that easy, latent-magical-powers or not.