Reviews for Creation Deflation
PoorEnglishArtist chapter 1 . 2/5/2009
Couple of problems with your research on this hated faith:

"which tells us he didn’t see the diseases, the violence and the overall death and destruction that comes with life"

well, life was supposed to be perfect then, all shiny and new. We call it 'prelapsarian'. Supposedly after The Fall, as it is termed, things started to go wrong, we became mortal, disease and pain came into the world.

"those quack theories, like that Big Bang". Um, people that believe in creation don't not belive in the Big Bang. Have you ever noticed how the Big Bang could be easily likened to 'Let there be light'? Scientists have admitted that the bible has recorded how the world came to be quite well. Things DID *gasp* actually come in that order.

If you want to mock the bible properly, read it.

I would read this over - it's quite good for the most part, but there are several places where you miss the 'cynical' mark and end up going into 'whiney idiot'.
captured.by.wonderland chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
This is sheer genius.

Thanks for the nice clean humor - yes I can get touchy about people making fun of religion, etc., but I found myself laughing out loud several times during this story.

It's amazing! I just love your commentary throughout.

-Wonderland-
Charactarantula chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
What version of the Bible have you been reading? haha. Anyway, you had a good idea here (retelling the story of creation and making it humorous) but I didn't really think it worked. I only laughed at the jokes involving the birds not having to be living, and the domestic animals. The rest seemed jumbled up and was a little difficult to read (you rambled a bit.)

I think you've got a good idea, but you need to kind of flesh everything out, add in some more jokes (try being more offensive), and kind of clean up the run-on's and seperate your thoughts from the verses.

Good work.

-Jake
PretzelSalt chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
This is very funny and even though I am Christian I'm not offended, I can laugh at myself :) Just thought that I'd point out that your comment about the contradicting creation stories might be true, but that not everyone believes that this really happened. There are different types of Christians, and a large amount of them (my family included) believe that these parts of the Bible are metaphors and did not really happen. I believe in evolution, as do many Christians. I figured I should throw that in just to clarify :).
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 1/5/2009
Your start has a lot of long sentences. I couldn't really concentrate well enough to understand. Please balance with some shorter ones.

"What the hell is he on about?”"

I am unsure, but I think using two question marks is incorrect. Either one or three.

"Seriously, if you’re trying to"

"Seriously" is a too juvenile word to use, I think. It doesn't fit the rest of the piece.

"Are we?

Breathe. OK. Sorry about that. I’ll be good now."

Also don't like this part; too juvenile. The tone was mature and good up to there. I suggest cutting this out.

"they’re so far away from us that the people who wrote the Bible didn’t really care about them"

XD Very funny. See how much a calmer tone works better? :D

"which don’t necessarily have to be living"

XD XD Good grief, I am cracking up!

"yes, God has multiple personalities. Deal with it."

:O I am getting scared of the bible now. Does it really have strangeness like that? :o

"The fish and domestic animals can starve for all I care"

XD I like how you totally notice and point out these "blunders". Well done!

Off topic now;

"The Bible has two creation stories!"

I knew it! I told this to someone I thought was Christian (still dunno if she was or wasnt) and she just looked at me like *I* was the nutcracker there :O Pah! I was right all along. HA!

End of off topic

"and her called her woman"

ditch "and her"

Nice story! That you could get this from the prompt is really wonderful :D I also think you did a good job on touching upon the "weak spots" of the Bible's creation stories.

Good luck with the contest!

-Frac
firemounrain chapter 1 . 1/4/2009
Nice challenge response, lol.
Scarlette Jane Catherine chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
this is pretty good. One thing i always found funny about the creation story is how light was created before the sun... explain that one. I try to avoid being negative about it though, an agnostic attending a catholic school.
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
This is the funniest thing ever! I've got something in this vein but figured I shouldn't post it because 1)People will probably flame me 2) I might go to Hell 3) Hmnn it's not really fiction is it? It's the truth...hmnn the truth about fiction? Lol I'd better be off now..

s
Natalie-Rayne chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
Hehehehe! This made me laughs so hard! hehe!
IceCream-Girl chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
Oh wow. It starts hilariously and continues on through! Even when I reread it it didn't get old - I just laughed harder.

I'd keep praising but I'm sure you get the point.

And to top it off you (sort of) used my inspiration in the title...SQUE!