|Reviews for Ergo Sum: A Post Singularity Urban Fantasy|
| Michael Panush chapter 1 . 1/7/2009
This is very interesting. I like the world and the action is described very well. I think it needs a little more description in some bits, like what it looks like when he drops a disguise, if the streets in the Purist Ghetto look like modern streets or not, and what kinds of clothes everyone is wearing. The bit with his wife was great, but I think it might have been better if you left
the final sex act up to the reader's imagination. Also, Adam Wilson is a decent name, but a little run-of-the-mill for such a fantastic character. Other than that, this looks like a very cool world that I can't wait to see more of.
| dreamshell chapter 1 . 1/4/2009
This is what happens when I leave you unattended, I guess...
I pretty much agree with Tetue on all the points he/she made.
| Tetue chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
Other than the GRAMMAR REVIEW section, the REVIEW and CONCLUSION sections are my own opinion of what I thought of this chapter, not necessarily what’s true.
Thank you for writing! ;P
The contradiction of being an atheist and becoming a god was, admittedly, what drew me, but the first parts of the chapter almost turned me away.
[The bionanoborg known as Adam Wilson followed]
I have no idea what a bionanoborg is, and stating so this way just sets up a narrative that’s from a third person omnipresent point of view—unless Wilson regularly thinks of himself as [the bionanoborg]. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but it is in this case because you suddenly tighten the perspective so that the story’s told personally through Wilson’s point of view for no apparent reason. It makes the transition jerky. Either leave out that he’s a bionanoborg until later, or somehow ease the transition from omnipresent third person to personal third person perspective.
[His target had been performing some type of drug.]
Everything is made of chemicals, from a coke drink to a piece of bread. To have Wilson conclude that based on the chemicals he scented, someone was making some unspecified type of drug is sloppy. Unless Wilson knows the specific chemicals out of all the chemicals (in which case, he should have been able to make an educated guess as to what the drug was), or he doesn’t and it is taking a while stab in the dark based on the fact that he was in a bad neighborhood, tracking down bad people, so of course they’ll be drugs.
[Whether gang colors, colors of one of the Lesser Sects, or some sports team, Wilson did not care.]
If Wilson has a mission in this part of the town, why hadn’t he done any research beforehand. Even the rudimentary, like which group is usually in charge? If he had, showing evidence could counter the ignorance and sloppiness that you’ve shown Wilson to have in the above excerpt. If the colors were some he didn’t know, perhaps add in a little detail that it wasn’t the colors of the major gangs in charge, so that you give Wilson a reason to be dismissive.
And why was he following their tail if he didn’t even have an inkling as to who they are?
[“Relax,” the posthuman instructed his mark. “My client wants you alive.”
“For what?” the man panicked.]
So he does have an inkling. Why wasn’t a name provided? Or some other piece of knowledge besides the man in question likes using drugs? Doesn’t the man have a name? You switch between things like [man], [young man], and [target] frequently without even once mentioning a name. It implies that Wilson doesn’t even know his own target’s name. You could add in the name somewhere earlier, so that you show that Wilson does know, but chooses to not use the name.
1. [”Excuse me,” Adam simulated a limp as he approached the youths.]
2. [“Shove it,” Adam gave the gangster the finger.]
Unless the verb in the narration following the quote isn’t directly related to the quote itself like ‘said’ or ‘asked’ would be, there shouldn’t be a comma separating the quote from the narration.
Example: “Excuse me.” Adam simulated a limp…
Example: “Excuse me,” Adam said, simulating a limp…
In the second example, ‘said’ is directly related to the quote. It’s tying the quote to Adam, so the comma should indeed be there. In the first example, ‘simulated’ is separate from the quote because that verb is tying Adam to his limp, not to what he’d said. In the other excerpts listed, there’s much of the same problem.
I have no idea what to think of this. It has a lot of potential. Wilson has compassion, despite not being quite human, and there’s the whole dichotomy of being an atheist yet becoming a god. But it doesn’t seem as though you’ve thought out anything other than the basics of the background and plot info; it doesn’t feel fleshed out.
It’s also one, short, with too much information that wasn’t immediately needed but not enough to hint at any plot. And two, somewhat related, you tend to tell and show the same that you’ve told, which is slightly redundant, because you switch between personal third person narration and omnipresent third person without a lot of consistency.
Why did the readers need to know [The bull-head trademark of Manchuarian Armories showed that it was a design devised by that Chinese god of war himself.]? Is it going to be of some significance in the near future or now, in the narration?
And telling your readers that he was [posthuman]. Everything you have in this chapter already shows that Wilson is not, technically or naturally, human. Adding [posthuman] seems a bit redundant, and again switches over to third person omnipresent for no apparent reason whatsoever. It’s strange.