|Reviews for Cataclysm|
| GreenYellowJello chapter 21 . 4/12/2010
This is an absolutely amazing story!
| Leora Anne chapter 3 . 3/1/2009
ouch... that really sux for Sorel, his whole past thing...
| Leora Anne chapter 2 . 3/1/2009
still looking good! lol in the paragraph about the room though, you might want to change a few words... you use 'the room' alot and you might wanna change that...
The senators' and Sorel's conversation and reaction was reallt well done, capturing their personalities and meshing them together to create a slightly odd group, but effective. And I'm guessing, but is Colby and Sorel related... odn't answer that and don't laugh if I'm wring wither... plz
I'm glad they came back for him, I like Hurst alot now
| Leora Anne chapter 1 . 3/1/2009
19? That's quite young for an assassin... do they have kids oicked out for training REALLY early in their lives or something...?
wither, way, its a really good start! catching
| DarkRose1593 chapter 16 . 3/1/2009
This is a lot for Sorel to find out about it one day. You've managed to create a lot of complex drama in this story!
| DarkRose1593 chapter 15 . 2/24/2009
That is a lot of drama between all these countries!I wonder what else there is to find out in part 2 of the truth?
| DarkRose1593 chapter 14 . 2/20/2009
I wonder what Sorel's mother did? Nice, suspenseful ending.
| Fake Pen chapter 3 . 2/14/2009
/you cracked after less than a week.”/ - Maybe 'cracked in less than a week' is preferred. 'After' makes it sound like Mabus thinks it's a rather long time already.
This use of 'kinda' is a little...weird. It's strange thinking an assassin would speak so inefficiently to the head of the intelligence. Wouldn't they go straight to the point to save time? The whole conversation is feeling dragged out.
And the rest of the story feels a little like a plot dump. Maybe you'd prefer to reveal it in a much slower manner (through bits and pieces of dialogue & thoughts over the story) or put it into a prologue. That would reduce the effectiveness of the action-packed beginning, but I'm sure it can be written in an interesting way as well. For one, it would be much more interesting seeing the interaction between Sorel & his friend and therefore his development of the idea to outlaw the pendulum. But reading the plot background is not quite so interesting.
Oh, since I have room, I'm just going to put the chapter 4 review here as well.
/sound of the book in his hands forcefully closing / - this sounds as if the book is closing on its own accord. Try something like, 'the sound of the book being forcefully closed' or something. (By the way, I think there'll be people who are very very passionate about active & passive voice and will pick on things like that like crazy, but me being one of the people who don't really understand the technical aspects to writing, I can't really help you fix the voice in that way.)
Or maybe you can try, 'the sound of him forcefully closing the book' etc. :)
A little overuse of 'country' there in the fourth paragraph.
That 'hit (wo)man' part really took away the...formality of the whole piece. I mean, okay, so it's a novel, and novels can be written informally. But (wo)man is just colloquial - something you'd say over email or something - and not really fitting in actual writing.
And I'm not a fan of sound effects like 'Grr', so I'd suggest you cut down on them if you choose to use them. Having a long 'Ergh' and variants really doesn't add much to the story except a character count and chapter length.
This colloquial stuff - 'gonna' to add to your list - you really should cut down on. Fine, use them in speech if you're that desperate to get the point across, but 'gonna' and 'going to' doesn't make any difference in a thought. However, it is much easier and more informal (than colloquial) reading 'going to' than 'gonna'.
/is the very finest in the world/ - 'very finest' is very awkward. I suggest you drop 'very'.
And...okay, so Sorel might be rather important (it wasn't that clear in the first chapter, but I'll assume he was the leader for this instance). But even if he is the leader, isn't he a little...over the top and egocentric about his position in the intelligence? I mean, I can't really imagine someone like Mabus just listening to him talk about how important he thinks he is (all the 'one of them knows who I am' and all). Of course, it'd be interesting to see a hero who does think too highly of himself, but I can't see his boss letting him get away with it.
/For the good of Hurst…right…,Sorel lowly thought to himself./ You might want to fix the 'lowly' and the lack of space between 'Sorel' & the comma.
I'm a bit confused by the thing. They enter and leave the countries so easily (implying times before the countries got some serious rules in about entering and leaving), and yet you speak of an airport (which is pretty modern). It just seems that they can kill the senators too easily.
But anyway. The Paul and Mabus thing looks interesting. Actually, I hope you'll feature more of Mabus, because he seems like a very interesting character.
| DarkRose1593 chapter 12 . 2/14/2009
Ok, that was shocking. I'm beginning to see how everything fits together here, and I'm wondering how he was wrong in thinking everything was over.
And of course I want to read your work. Believe me. If I had never wanted to, I would have stopped a long time ago.
| Fake Pen chapter 2 . 2/14/2009
I won't go through it like I did the first chapter, but...
The paragraphing works much better here :) For the first five, anyway...
The second paragraph (I'm counting that one-line thought as the first) sounds like a reminder as to what happened in the previous chapter. Anyway, it's a little redundant since readers don't need to know what he remembers & what he doesn't, because they know what happened anyway. I'd make an exception if he became amnesic, except he didn't.
The Senators speak vey informally. It'd probably be more fitting for them to speak in a way that distinguishes them from just normal people, or at least without the informality of things like, "Ya" and "goody". It makes them seem more childish than comedic, open-minded, etc.
Also, the Senators seem to always address the senator they're talking to. I'm not sure if that's how you intend for them to act like, but right now, at this stage, it seems like a rather exaggerated attempt to get their names across.
I'm interested in finding out exactly why these senators are interested in the guy...unless it's purely because he's an assassin & they think he's got information. But I can't think of other things to comment about otherwise because nothing much really happens in this chapter.
| Fake Pen chapter 1 . 2/14/2009
I don't quite understand why you'd italicise the first two lines. It's not exactly necessary.
/“Roger that,” casually responded the leader of the squad/ - this reads a little awkwardly. Consider 'the leader of the squad casually responded' & variants.
/slowly crept their way through the darkness/ - 'crept their way' is rather awkward. It might be better to choose between 'crept' and 'made their way'.
/The ‘target’ he referred to was the Tontor Senate House: a large, majestic building on a piece of open land large enough to fit an entire college campus./ - Colons are generally used for lists, so I think a semicolon will fit better.
You tend to repeatedly use 'all (followed by 'of the' or 'twenty-one assassins'). A little variation would help, and so would changing its position in the sentence (right now, you tend to start the sentences with them).
Your paragraphs tend to be only a few sentences long, even if some of the ideas can be linked, which is probably a good idea to do. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose of paragraphing.
I don't quite understand why it's 'lucky' the leader is still alive. It's only lucky to him. Unless you're writing mainly from his point of view?
It's a very action-packed start. Reading was slightly tedious due to the very uniform and short paragraphs, but I've picked on that already. Otherwise, it'd be rather interesting seeing what'll happen to this assassin.
Happy writing :)
| DarkRose1593 chapter 11 . 2/12/2009
Wow, he went to all that trouble and Mabus still wouldn't take him back.
| DarkRose1593 chapter 10 . 2/6/2009
I wonder what exactly Sorel is planning...this should prove interesting.
| DarkRose1593 chapter 9 . 2/2/2009
First of all, let me just say that you are the fastest updater ever! No other story I've ever subscribed to has ever been updated this fast, which is a good thing.
I'm starting to see how some things are going to come together in the story (at least I think I do...a lot of times my guesses are wrong though). :)
| DarkRose1593 chapter 8 . 1/31/2009
There's something suspicious going on with the 3 countries, I see. I am curious about what's in the boxes, because I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the war.
As always, well-written chapter.