|Reviews for Infinity|
| Once Upon a Time is Forever chapter 1 . 5/26/2010
Interesting story, definitely not like I usually read but well written nonetheless.
The opening was really hooking for me, the way you wrote the first couple of lines were blunt, almost too blunt, but introduced me very well to the characters I was dealing with. I got a sense of who the narrator was and how they felt about the conversation.
One thing I would say about your writing that I didn’t really like was your use of italics, bold, and underlines. While it’s one thing to use them to make an especially important point, I felt that you overused them and that they distracted from the overall flow of the writing. I know it’s kind of nit-picky but it just wasn’t my thing.
“She glows. Like the devil in a clean room.” This was such a great line, it really stood out to me as the perfect metaphor for the situation. I could practically feel this girl radiating anger at this point and it was such good imagery that I needed to applaud you for it.
The ending felt very vague to me. I never felt like I fully got to know the character I was introduced to in the first paragraph and the way you closed it was so vague it was almost puzzling. I wasn’t really sure where you were going with the part where you wrote, “So instead I get higher, muting her words as I soar past the sky and int y...” were you indicating that the narrator was going to kill him/herself? Or were they just getting high on drugs? The vagueness might hold appeal for some people but I just found it to be unsatisfying.
Overall I liked the idea of this story, but felt like it never ended up where it was going.
| vrivasfl chapter 1 . 7/28/2009
I can't believe it! I wrote this awesome review and somehow, the page I was typing it in suddenly changed. Everything was lost! I don't know how, but it did. I almost cried, because now I know I won't be able to recreate it word for word. It won't be as good. I hate this!
Holding back anger...
Anyways, it was really hard to find a story of yours to review for the WCC July, but most of your stories leave me speechless, which is usually good except I'm contractually obligated to give you at least four paragraphs worth of a review. Anyways, I think I found one.
Okay, so we have two characters. One is the narrator, who lives by his own set of morals and rules, and the woman (sister, lover, mother, etc. It doesn't really matter exactly.) who chides the narrator because his morals don't match the morals of society.
That's human nature. The views of society must be right because so many people believe in it. That's what the woman believes. Despite the dramatic means of doing it, the narrator seems to understand that sometimes, society can be wrong. The rules of society don't always apply to everyone.
Basically, I like the overall point you were getting here. After all, she would never understand, and since she is representative of the entire society, he means to say that society would never understand why he did what he did because it's too wrapped up in its preconceived notions about what is right, what is wrong, and why people choose to do wrong.
One final thing, I don't like bolding words for emphasis. It's just me. It's not really a critique, just an annoyance. I just really felt like pointing it out.
I'm really sorry that you'll never get to read the better version of the review. I wish I could spit it out verbatim, but AI was just typing as I went along. I didn't think I would need to memorize it.
| Sweet Lunacy chapter 1 . 6/29/2009
Wow...Just...Wow...I love this. Absolutely LOVE it. It was so brilliant. I could literally see everything portrayed in this, so well done with the imagery.
| Stephlikeswriting chapter 1 . 6/2/2009
This is really amazing.
| AshesofGrace chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
I may never know if you have ever truly faced that situation but I have come close. I know what this means
| waterfall of words chapter 1 . 2/2/2009
That was really good. I thought at first that it was about suicide. I was glad to see at the end that it wasn't. It was definitely interesting, kept my attention all the way through. The breaks were well placed too.
| Amarone chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
First off, congratulations on winning the Jan WCC! And second, sorry for this extremely late review, haha. Studying for midterms and whatnot for the past week killed any spare time I had. Glad it's all finally done with. So on with the review.
I like the cynical tone you maintained throughout with your first person thoughts. Your emphasis on certain things was nicely done with the italics/etc. Just my opinion, though, I think at times you overdo it, so that there is too much emphasis and then nothing stands out. There really isn't any specific place where that happens; I think that you just overuse it just a little too much overall. The repetition of phrases adds a nice, desperate sort of touch, almost like a sickening finalization to everything. The stanza and line breaks are well placed - it really compliments the general flow of the piece, which, by the way, is quite smooth. However, there's some choppy parts, subtle as they were. ""What are you doing?" she asks. There's a hint of fear behind her words." - Maybe merge the two sentences into one: "..." she asks, a hint of fear behind her words". And a few others. I can understand that you may want to place certain emphasis by starting a new sentence, but it sometimes disrupts the flow. I suggest reading it out loud, to best find the rough spots.
A small grammatical error: ""I will not let you do this to yourself." She says, lowering herself slowly."
-supposed to be "...do this to yourself," she says, ...
The last line is a bit out of place from the rest of the piece. You have a clear, confident, in-yo-face tone to everything. The last line seems too airy imo, especially with the ending of the "..." and the spacing between infinity. I just don't think it matches the rest of the piece in terms of mood/tone. Overall, though, you did a nice job, with a common widely used concept, but well written nevertheless. Congrats again :)
| ForeverxDreaming chapter 1 . 1/29/2009
So sorry I reviewed late! Life is crazy. We know this.
I really kinda like the dark feeling of this poem. The first few lines are a great introduction to the mood. They really set the stage for the irony and sadness.
Your descriptions are really great. The narrator interprets people very well: "That's not really who she is. / That's not really her." He seems to perceive her deeply.
Your character seems to almost have a kind of schizophrenia or something - talking to himself. Makes it intriguing and pushes on the reader's comfort zone a bit.
I just loved the tragedy of it all. She leaves, he remains behind, not really even caring... Made me sad. Favorite line: the last one.
| karma-dollie chapter 1 . 1/26/2009
This piece was so wonderful and totally deserving of first place in WCC. Congratulations!
I love when stories start with dialogue and especially a question. It might be a personal preference, but it draws me in. Because I wanted to know what happened to "you" I kept reading on. The first paragraph rambles on with the last two sentences, but after reading through it felt a little more appropriate with the state this man is in.
Even though the reader is inside the addict's head, you still get a great sense of the other character through her few bits of dialogue and from how her words affect (or don't) the man. It helps with the drama and realism in the story that he doesn't give in to her and her reactions are believable as someone trying to help a loved one for a long time and just can't do it anymore.
The different bolded and underlined and italicized words seemed strange on first read through, but again, after rereading I could see how they fit and how each one gives a different sort of emphasis. Italics seems to be the lightest while bold is the strongest. It affected how I read the story and in my mind I could feel the punctuation of the emphasized words. I don't think the scattered bold and italics could work for many authors, but it definitely works here.
The end gave me a chill. It still gives me a chill. I hate to imagine people as hopeless causes, but this man really seems as beyond help as he says and he doesn't even want the help. It makes me feel even worse for the woman who wants to help him. To feel so useless is truly awful. It leaves this churning in my stomach because I as a person would want to help him, but as a reader, seeing him give in makes for a great story.
You did such a fantastic job with this piece. Congratulations again on winning WCC!
| Kirrithian chapter 1 . 1/23/2009
Congratulations on winning the first WCC!
The thing that made this story stick out as a good quality piece is the layout and structure. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a story that is so stop start, that it’s pretty much in poetry format. Not that it’s a bad thing, although some people may try and read it as more of a poem than it is, but the line by line structure lays out the jumping train tracks sort of line of thoughts so well, it makes it really easy for the reader to identify: This man is not thinking straight, but yet the line of thoughts make so much sense as well, as there is somehow still a flow, which is genius to manage on paper.
Even though each of the sentences are on separate lines, it is still set out in paragraphs, each set out with a line from the start, and each one varying on how much the guy has to say about it, which gives it a natural feel, making it more believable that you are really listening to the guys thoughts, something that really helps me connect with the characters as a reader. I particularly liked how you used short answers to the questions near the end, giving it a desperate (from the women) yet all too well rehearsed feel.
Also, the amount of feeling you get across with the carefully chosen emphasis on words/phrases like 'one and only master’ adds so much to the piece, giving the character more depth than just plain text would, which makes it more interesting, and I liked this as it was done really well. You use of repetition only adds to this, as it shows the strength of feeling so well, and really sets this aside as an exceptional piece, in my opinion.
Your last line ‘So instead I get higher, muting her words as I soar past the sky and int y...’ I like, as it rounds it off completely, letting the reader know that the man’s gone beyond help and reason. Also the way you’ve used the imagery of him flying away coupled with separating out infinity like that is really good as it shows that he’s running away from his problems, but thinks he’s going to a better place.
Looking forward to reading more of your pieces, keep up the good work!
| Kate Marshall chapter 1 . 1/21/2009
Reviewing for the WCC! Congrats on winning, _
Alright, to start this review off, my very favorite lines were:
But of course I can hear her.
She rings in my head.
All the time?
/All the time/.
Particularly with the italics on the fourth line. It just put a lot of emphasis on that thought and I liked how it fit in when I read it. _
And although I normally like italics and putting things in bold, I think that while it fit in some places, it took away from the poem in others. Here and there, the italics and bolds seemed too much and made the words feel less..."poetic", I guess.
And the formatting. I loveloveloved it in the shorter lines. But some of the longer lines didn't feel clean (and I'm guilty here, because really, I feel unworthy to pick apart someone else's piece. Eh.)
But you conveyed the emotions beautifully. And I'm not usually a big fan of poems dealing with suicide, but you portrayed him so well that I could /relate/. The girl, too. I liked the frustration you put in there.
Oh yeah, loved the dialogue. Maybe it just seemed fitting because don't you think about your life when you're dying?
Anyway, I enjoyed reading very much and good luck picking a prompt! ;D
| Sophronia Lee chapter 1 . 1/20/2009
Hiya. This is my depth review for the RG's Writing Contest. So:
At first, I couldn't really figure out what it was about, but when I read through the whole thing, it made perfect sense. Very good piece, it was exciting and suspenseful.
I love how you used the little chunks of dialogue and thought in there. You did a great job capturing the jumbled, crazy way of thinking for the main character.
I think that some of the underlining and bold-facing was distracting. I saw where some of it worked, but some seemed a little random.
The part that begins, "I always thought..." is my favorite. The descriptions in here are exquisite. And I love how you got the emotion (or lack of it) down.
Overall, it was a great poem. Good job.
| Charactarantula chapter 1 . 1/17/2009
Congrats on winning the contest.
Alright, concerning the story: First off, this is a pretty good piece. Very dark and morbid, yet somehow still funny in a very evil sort of way. I enjoyed it, to an extent.
When I write I love doing the bold, underline, italics thing, and it works very well in this piece. I think you may have overused it a little bit at some parts, but you're the author and that's kind of a creative decision. But good job with that, because it certainly helps define and create your narrator in a different, interesting way.
One thing I really didn't like (and this is where the 'I enjoyed it, to an extent' part comes in) is that all we really have here are the bare bones of what is happening. We have the two characters, some dialogue, and a whole lot of (very well written) internal ranting. I think one thing that you need to do is delve into their location, what exactly transpired between the two of them, and just sort of flesh out the situation, because, as it is, it seems very fuzzy (but maybe that was intentional? hm...)
Anyway, I didn't spot any grammar or spelling errors, so kudos for that. And, one again, congrats on winning.
| Carus chapter 1 . 1/16/2009
I really love the way you've used dialogue in this. I think that because it's just one character that speaks aloud, it's really effective. Even though the reader knows the thoughts that are running through the narrator's head, she doesn't and you've shown her confusion and frustration really well. Also, the way you've put the dialogue at the beginning of each paragraph/stanza is really good :)
The way that you've started this story with a question is clever. It draws the reader in and makes them want to them to find out the answer. Also, "What happened to you?" sets the tone, as it implies the question most likely won't have a happy answer (and doesn't, lol).
Although I don't normally like it in stories/poems, I think that you used bold/italics/underlining really well here. It really emphasises certain words and phrases, for example
'She rings in my head.
All the time?
All the time.'
Without italics (as it is here, haha) it would look strange and repetitive, but with them, it really adds to the story.
I lovelovelove the structure of this story. The poetic format really goes well with the poetic techniques you've used with your wording, yet it still stays very story-like. It shows the thoughts of the main character in an effective way. Well done!
When I first read this, I thought it was about cutting. Then I got to the last line, and it cleared everything up :) I really like that - it gives your story some ambiguity even though it seems like everything is laid out with commentry (the thoughts of the narrator).
Overall, I really really enjoyed reading this story. I'm so glad you won - you deserved it :) Well done again!
| concerto49 chapter 1 . 1/15/2009
"at a ghost of who I once thought she was." - in this sentence I think it's whom and it still felt a bit hard to read. Yeah the way that this ghost idea is phrased felt a little vague and confusing. Is the persona looking at a ghost and thought it's the one they know but isn't the case? Do ghosts have looks?
The use of bold and italics gives this a cut-out from random words in a magazine feel. It makes it feel more casual and young.
"Don't worry darling, I could never lay a hand on you." - is she saying this? If so it's missing the quotes.
So the main character never speaks to her? She's the only one that does the talking? All those stuff he says are thoughts? It doesn't exactly say and I found it a bit vague.
It lacks physical description, especially about where they are and all. Sure it might be dreamy, but it's hard to grasp. Their actions is also hard to get into with their appearances out of the picture.
It's emotional and the inner conflict really added to this. It felt a touch dragged out but for the most part it was good.
As to consistency you use contractions somewhere and somewhere not. There doesn't seem to be a pattern or a reason either. It breaks the pace and speeds it up at random places.