|Reviews for The Perfect Rain|
| Carus chapter 1 . 2/17/2009
Hey-ho, Beatles my friendling! This is the review you earned for spotting my typo in the TBT thread of the Break Writer's Block forum.
[Sky aglow as the sun beams bounced off sparkling faucets of water; shattering the light and refracting it into perfection.]
Should be "The sky was aglow" or something. Otherwise it's an incomplete sentence. Also, I think a comma instead of a semi colon is better here.
[shattering the light and refracting it into perfection]
I love the wording you've used here! It reminded me of a mirror.
Such a you phrase XD I love its usage as it provides insight to the narrator's personality.
[I thought, why not enjoy this rare pleasure?]
Maybe put the 'I thought' at the end? That way it would include the Bah! and the previous parts.
[The opposite coasts had disappeared entirely now, this little seaside town was engulfed in its own personal rainbow.]
Instead of a comma, use 'and'. Otherwise it seems sort of fragmented.
[I carefully slotted my glasses into a pocket on my dress,]
How about: "I slotted my glasses into a pocket on my dress with care,"? Haha, adverb avoidance, whoot!
[my dress, as the red material began to turn dark with moisture.]
I don't think you need the comma here, lol.
[pitter-patter of water falling through gutters]
I like this! Pitter-patter is an onomatopoeia, am I right? Well it echoes what the sound of water would actually be like. Very good imagery :D
[It was like being lost in my own other world.]
This sounds a bit awkward; how about "It was like being lost in another world, one that belonged just to me" or something instead? :) I can see that you're trying to get across the idea that the world is yours, but I think the phrasing here is a bit iffy. XD
[my siblings cries]
Gah... it's possessive, so should be either "sibling's cries" or "siblings's cries" depending on how many siblings there are. If it's just one, then it should be "sibling's".
[Beads of water suddenly soaked all my dress through]
I think I'm channelling Squeaks here, but... no! "suddenly"! adverb! ah! Try perhaps something like: "All of a sudden, my dress was soaked through with beads of water."
[start to plaster itself to my back and neck.]
That's a great image :) Love it :p
[Even if they were, do you think I would have noticed them?]
I'm not sure about this. It's the first time you address the reader directly so the you seems out of place. Make it into a statement rather than a question, perhaps. Like: "Even if they were, I doubt I'd have noticed them."
[Tears joined the gentle beads on my cheeks]
Here, I think you should add "of rain" after [beads] because otherwise it doesn't clarify what the beads are doing on her cheeks. Also I get the image of actual beads, as in beads on a bracelet. Hehe :p
[I felt full to overflowing with joy. Uncontainable and pure joy.]
Hmm, I think here if you replace the full stop with a semi colon it'll flow more smoothly. Or put 'It was' after the full stop. Or 'I felt full to overflowing with joy. It seemed uncontainable and pure'. :)
[A high, whooping laugh.]
"I heard a" in front of it would work better.
[the sodden cascade]
cascade of...? I'm guessing water, but it might be better to add "of water" or something to the end. At the moment it seems like it's a sodden cascade of laughter. But I like the use of sodden cascade, it's good imagery (with the right addition, hehe).
...adverb? XD However, I think it works okay here, though something else would sound better. Don't know what though, sorry :p
[I couldn’t breathe. My breath was gone. Stolen by the rain.]
I love this line :) The idea of rain actually stealing breath is a clever personification. But, I think instead of a comma, a hyphen or semi colon would be better, as 'stolen by the rain' is a fragment, not a whole sentence.
I also really like the way you've varied your sentences, length particularly. It really emphasises the words that are on their own lines.
Also, I thought that this was a really sweet little one-shot :) The idea of feeling that free is enviable, haha.
...It made me like rain. Almost. Not quite XD But still, that is a big achievement as rain is hated by me most of the time.
Well done! I apologise for the length of this 0_o
| Denizen47 chapter 1 . 1/5/2009
Love it. That is all.