Reviews for The Perfect Rain
Carus chapter 1 . 2/17/2009
Hey-ho, Beatles my friendling! This is the review you earned for spotting my typo in the TBT thread of the Break Writer's Block forum.

[Sky aglow as the sun beams bounced off sparkling faucets of water; shattering the light and refracting it into perfection.]

Should be "The sky was aglow" or something. Otherwise it's an incomplete sentence. Also, I think a comma instead of a semi colon is better here.

[shattering the light and refracting it into perfection]

I love the wording you've used here! It reminded me of a mirror.

[Bah!]

Such a you phrase XD I love its usage as it provides insight to the narrator's personality.

[I thought, why not enjoy this rare pleasure?]

Maybe put the 'I thought' at the end? That way it would include the Bah! and the previous parts.

[The opposite coasts had disappeared entirely now, this little seaside town was engulfed in its own personal rainbow.]

Instead of a comma, use 'and'. Otherwise it seems sort of fragmented.

[I carefully slotted my glasses into a pocket on my dress,]

How about: "I slotted my glasses into a pocket on my dress with care,"? Haha, adverb avoidance, whoot!

[my dress, as the red material began to turn dark with moisture.]

I don't think you need the comma here, lol.

[pitter-patter of water falling through gutters]

I like this! Pitter-patter is an onomatopoeia, am I right? Well it echoes what the sound of water would actually be like. Very good imagery :D

[It was like being lost in my own other world.]

This sounds a bit awkward; how about "It was like being lost in another world, one that belonged just to me" or something instead? :) I can see that you're trying to get across the idea that the world is yours, but I think the phrasing here is a bit iffy. XD

[my siblings cries]

Gah... it's possessive, so should be either "sibling's cries" or "siblings's cries" depending on how many siblings there are. If it's just one, then it should be "sibling's".

[Beads of water suddenly soaked all my dress through]

I think I'm channelling Squeaks here, but... no! "suddenly"! adverb! ah! Try perhaps something like: "All of a sudden, my dress was soaked through with beads of water."

[start to plaster itself to my back and neck.]

That's a great image :) Love it :p

[Even if they were, do you think I would have noticed them?]

I'm not sure about this. It's the first time you address the reader directly so the you seems out of place. Make it into a statement rather than a question, perhaps. Like: "Even if they were, I doubt I'd have noticed them."

[Tears joined the gentle beads on my cheeks]

Here, I think you should add "of rain" after [beads] because otherwise it doesn't clarify what the beads are doing on her cheeks. Also I get the image of actual beads, as in beads on a bracelet. Hehe :p

[I felt full to overflowing with joy. Uncontainable and pure joy.]

Hmm, I think here if you replace the full stop with a semi colon it'll flow more smoothly. Or put 'It was' after the full stop. Or 'I felt full to overflowing with joy. It seemed uncontainable and pure'. :)

[A high, whooping laugh.]

"I heard a" in front of it would work better.

[the sodden cascade]

cascade of...? I'm guessing water, but it might be better to add "of water" or something to the end. At the moment it seems like it's a sodden cascade of laughter. But I like the use of sodden cascade, it's good imagery (with the right addition, hehe).

[suddenly]

...adverb? XD However, I think it works okay here, though something else would sound better. Don't know what though, sorry :p

[I couldn’t breathe. My breath was gone. Stolen by the rain.]

I love this line :) The idea of rain actually stealing breath is a clever personification. But, I think instead of a comma, a hyphen or semi colon would be better, as 'stolen by the rain' is a fragment, not a whole sentence.

I also really like the way you've varied your sentences, length particularly. It really emphasises the words that are on their own lines.

Also, I thought that this was a really sweet little one-shot :) The idea of feeling that free is enviable, haha.

...It made me like rain. Almost. Not quite XD But still, that is a big achievement as rain is hated by me most of the time.

Well done! I apologise for the length of this 0_o

-Amy
Denizen47 chapter 1 . 1/5/2009
Love it. That is all.