|Reviews for Kid|
| Miryo chapter 1 . 10/13/2011
Great first chapter. I think I've already got a good feel of Alfie's character, and I sympathize with him and don't find him annoying, which is fantastic and rare. He seemed like a real person here, right off the bat, and I liked that a lot. You've got me really curious about this "Kid" person. I took a peek at the chapter list and it looks like maybe we'll start getting chapters from his POV in chapter three. I'm looking forward to it.
No concrit here, aside from that I always thought "Head Master" was supposed to be one word only, and I spotted this near the end of the chapter:
"It's Okay, Alfie," she said.
Okay - okay
Nice start to what looks like a pretty interesting story.
| Whirlymerle chapter 10 . 9/23/2011
Oof, that's gotta be rough for Alfie. Sitting next to the garbage bins… gross! You'd think the school should have sort of hygiene code against that. Then again, back in my high school, the freshman would have to sit by the bathrooms, so.
I think it's the worst when people try to be thoughtful, but end up doing the opposite. Like Denise packing peanut butter for Alfie. Though, as he mentioned, he may not have told her, so it seems like he's too polite about it? And the rattling of the bag is quite mysterious indeed.
Aww, it awfully nice for Ashley to join Alfie.
["How do you know you're not wrong?", which isn't exactly the same thing, is it.] Should the "is it" part end with a question mark? Also, style wise, I feel like it looks better if you get rid of the comma after the quote, and start a new sentence with "which".
Hmm, this is an interesting development. Has Alfie's past at Brighthill been mentioned? Gah, my memory is terrible. Oh wait, reading on, I guess what Alfie has to say is new.
[It all felt like, smelled like, looked like nothing I had ever experienced, or remembered experiencing before] While I liked the way you handled Alfie's flashback/recap for the most part, at times, I feel like you could have incorporated more imagery. To say that Alfie had never experienced what ever the scene felt like gives readers very little fodder to prod our own imaginations. Personally, I wish this wasn't as vague.
[She wasn't so socially blind that she couldn't tell something was wrong.] Oh Alfie, that's not a very nice thing to say. Actually, the line made me giggle. I don't know if it's supposed to be humorous… maybe it's because I'm running on 3 hours of sleep right now.
[a horrible tense, prickly feeling] should have a comma after horrible, or else, make it 'horribly"
Oh, this chapter is so sad, not that any of your chapters were marked by bright cheeriness. But Alfie seems to have the worst luck in the world. First the peanut butter sandwich, now Ashley's trying to be friendly (I think?) and he only gets more scared. Though that's of course, understandable given the context of the plot. After 10 chapters, I guess running away is one of the main themes of your story, since Alfie and Kid both seem prone to it?
I thought the ending was awesome, by the way. Am I sensing a little foreshadowing?
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 2 . 9/11/2011
Kid does indeed sound like an interesting fellow - and quite the mouth on him, if I might add. But I have no room to talk about foul language, trust me. I think it adds personality, if you ask me. His heated words and snappy anger near the end of the chapter intrigued me, and I'm wondering if he losing his temper easily and often. From the mention of him being expelled from that school, I can only imagine.
I think it's adorable how excited Alfie gets when Kid breaks the news that he's coming to his school. I also enjoyed the many nicknames Alfie uses for him, all of them having to do with him being lonely. Now I'm really curious to see his interaction with the people from his past, and where indeed these kids were being held before allowed back into the world.
I did notice at the beginning of the chapter, when Alfie runs outside to go talk to Kid, there wasn't much explanation on where exactly they were. This chapter is rather short, and while this isn't a bad thing, I think if you ever wanted to lengthen it in the future, I would recommend adding some stuff about the area they're walking through. I get they're walking down a sidewalk, but other than that, not much else is mention about the setting other than the rain.
I really like their interaction. It tells a lot about their friendship, what with Kid asking him how many words he's said, and then making a big deal that he said a word with three syllables. It shows me they know each other very well and they mean a lot to each other. I'll be excited to see how Kid and Alfie do in their new school.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 9/11/2011
Hello from the Roadhouse!
I can tell right away that Alfie seems like a very unique individual. I like it when main characters have strange little quirks about them, like how Alfie counts everything, because it adds a new later to their character and always adds some funny color to their narration. I like how while Alfie was listening to the principle speak, he was counting all the different things in the room. And the fact that he's good at math doesn't surprise me if he takes such a notice to numbers.
I also enjoy how you keep mentioning this 'Kid' person. Considering this story is named 'Kid', I'm going to assume he's the main character and this story is told from the perspective of a secondary character (this is all assumption as of right now, of course, so I could be completely wrong). If I am right, I've always had to commend people on telling a story in this method, because I can imagine it's quite difficult.
The flow of the narration is very nice, although I did notice some extra adjectives and pronouns, as well as a few misplaced commas, but because this is an older chapter, I won't bother going through them. I'm sure you've heard it all before. xD But regardless, I think the tone of this first chapter does well in mirroring Alfie's age.
This first chapter has also perked my interest. I'm curious as to why no school wishes to teach him... the summary gives me just enough information to leave me hungry for more, so I'm going to go ahead and see if I get some more answers in the next chapter. ;D
Sorry for a lack of concrit - I normally try not to pick at characters/plot/pacing because this is all a matter of the author to keep control over, so I normally focus on sentence structure/grammar when I review. But, I will keep an eye open for anything I see that could use any improvement. :3
| Vernelley chapter 43 . 9/9/2011
It's been so long that I had to go back and reread a bit just to remember what was going on.
Well I have to say, Kid has so much 'dependency' on Kin it's rather unfortunate for him. And everyone else, really. She's so creepy :S *shudders* And very manipulative.
I do wonder if Kid will go with her, because at the moment it looks like he might. And if that happens, things will get really messy again for sure.
Anyway, nice to have an update from you, and I think the time was well spent.
| Whirlymerle chapter 9 . 7/25/2011
Oh poor Alfie! It’s so sad to see him wait until finally realizing that Kid wasn’t going to come. Alfie’s analysis of Kid and his craving for power seems very understanding and entirely accurate, so it makes it even more unfortunate that he’s still hopeful to see Kid.
[No one of the desks actually seemed occupied] not one?
Interesting scene with the books. So just as Kid has powers of electricity, Alfie can see the future? It’s been so long and I’ll probably go back and reread, but has this been established? Was Alfie aware of it before?
["What do you mean 'special cases'?" I said worriedly, "They don't know that we can-"] So Alfie is aware of his abilities?
[a rather disturbing looking t-shirt] I wish you went into more detail about how the shirt was disturbing. It could have been anything!
I like the contrast between Alfie and Kid. They’re like foils of each other. Kid brings trouble, but gets out of it. While Alfie seems to himself awkwardly thrust in the middle of trouble. Kid parts a crowd. Alfie gets knocked over by one. Alfie is the kid I'd want to give a hug to, but Kid is the fun one, I think.
As for the black van, hmm. I have zero predictions about this, other than that it seems ominous. But I’m glad something’s cookin’.
Great to see you back from your hiatus!
| Naomi Chick chapter 12 . 6/4/2011
Wow, I'm completely surprise of Kid reaction when he push to hard. The street lamp shattering against his rage was a great effect that came instantly when Kid snapped. Oh, the little cliffhanger on Barry laying motionless on the floor. Does he live? Die?
| Kobra Kid chapter 14 . 6/1/2011
This chapter was so cute. Before, I really thought that Ashley was just an annoying, desperate, irritating girl who wanted to shove her nose into Alfie's business. I am dead wrong, haha. She's actually very sweet, and just wants to be friends with the kid because she cares about him. Now, I'm starting to like her.
As for Alfie? Adorable, as usual. I really enjoyed his narration, and how innocent he is. I just have a small suggestion. The first five paragraphs all start with "I", so I'd say to go back and switch things up a bit to make them different. The same idea, just differently worded.
Besides that, I loved this chapter! I wonder what Lucas/Kid will think of Ashley knowing about him and Alfie's dark secret. I have a feeling that he won't be too fond of it, won't believe Ashley and say that Alfie betrayed his trust. Or something like that. :P
~Kobra Kid, RH
P.S. Can you please payback via RFTA. I recently updated! :)
| Naomi Chick chapter 11 . 5/26/2011
It was kinda of surprising Kid manage to hide several Duracell batteries before Dave knew his plan. I'm glad Kid seem a bit happy minus the bullies. At least Brooke had made his day feel uplifting.
| Naomi Chick chapter 10 . 5/26/2011
I like the intense emotions Alfie builded inside just by Ashley hint of him being at Brighthill. The same time he's forcing whatever sequences from the outcome inside his mind to completely forget.
| ToxicCosmos chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
Ok let's try this "telling you what I'm thinking as I go" thing. When I get to the later chapters, I'll probably switch back to or add a more standard review.
The first paragraph really connects me with Alfie. The first thing that sticks out to me is his counting - that already says a lot about him, at least to me.
I also found myself agreeing with him. A lot of "that's true" and "you're right" as he makes his observations, especially when he spotted the Head Master of his old school and swears she's plotting against him.
I love the interaction between the Head Master and Alfie... or the lack thereof I guess I should say. It really highlights his personality. With what the Head Master says about his talent in Mathematics, it all makes more sense now. I'd guess he might be some sort of savant or might possibly have a slight disability? I don't know, perhaps he's just gifted and, like me, socially inept brought on by who knows what. *shrug* It certainly has me wondering. :]
His relationship with his guardian is also very interesting. It's obvious that she cares and his reluctance to talk, though understandable from how he explains it, does make one feel sad for them. It will certainly be interesting to see how their relationship develops - and to get to know this Kid kid. :D
| Pachi chapter 7 . 5/18/2011
Ohoho things are slowly starting to come together now. Just little bits of information. Of course not expressly stated, but there for interpretation.
It feels like I can't read fast enough. This is very, very fun. And well written. Obviously. If it wasn't, I wouldn't still be reading.
| Pachi chapter 4 . 5/18/2011
Okay I'm assuming that during most of this, they're outside. So my question is, why use the word 'floor' instead of 'ground?' Or am I missing something?
Another good chapter. More questions! A lot more questions.
| Pachi chapter 3 . 5/18/2011
Yeah I was right. Kid is FUN. Such beautiful language *shot*
Also, I like the fact that you switch perspectives to leave the reader wondering. The fact that we get in Kid's head while not having a damn clue what Alfie's doing. I'm burning through this fast- This is way too much fun to read. Nice and suspenseful.
Sorry these reviews are so short!
| Pachi chapter 2 . 5/18/2011
So far, the story is very smooth. There are a lot of questions in my mind, but that's to be expected. It also manages to raise questions without being confusing.
You do a really good job writing in first person 8D Alfie doesn't have the internal monologue of "omg everything sucks" that I'm used to in first person 8D
I'm gonna try to review individual chapters from here on out. Sorry about the two reviews-one chapter... thing.
Your pacing is really, really good. The story's progressing but it's not taking an eon and putting me to sleep nor is it going too fast. I like the way Alfie's character is developing too 8D
Kid seems like he's going to be a fun character to read about, rebellious and all that.
I'm really liking this so far. (heart) (since I can't make arrow brackets on FF)