Reviews for The End, The Blood Trail
Kerophile chapter 1 . 7/9/2009
* Well, right off the abt, you've certainly done an exquisite job of taking me out of the story, lol. I suppose that's what you intended, though, to take us out and make us realize this is not your best work. :\

And, man, it's "tenfold," not "10 fold." Haha.

* "a-top" would just be "atop."

* Where am I? He wondered, what am I doing up here?

"Where am I? he wondered. What am I doing up here?" or "Where am I? He wondered, What am I doing up here?"

* It’s chasing, closing in, Peter’s sweat soaked black hair stuck to his forehead as he ran.

First off, there's a change of tense, and it's really not distinct whether this was intentional on your behalf or not. And "sweat soaked" should be hyphenated - "sweat-soaked." And LOL /Peter/? Well, to each his own... Also, it sounds like a comma splice - you just stuck two (possibly three) sentences together with a comma.

* His hair gleamed in a ray of sunshine that clashed though the forest cover...

A ray of sunshine is... clashing? And, through (I'm assuming that's a typo) a forest cover, no less? No definition of the word "clash" that I myself am aware of at all fits this use. As a writer, I think authors should be more deliberate in their word choice, especially out of first-person narration; and this doesn't seem to be it, so...

* He brushed the sticky hair out of his eyes with his slightly tanned hand...

Honestly, is it vital information - I mean, something you can't throw in with a little more finesse and subtlety later on - the fact that his hand is slightly tan?

* The hair on the back of his neck stuck up as he sensed it once more, without hesitation he stopped, the black shadow was creeping along the forest floor a few feet in front of him...

Again, you're tossing sentences together with commas; it's unsightly and immature. (But, of course, that's probaby due to you have written this 4 years ago, right? But... didn't you say this was the part you fixed? Hm...)

* He veered around it, in a desperate attempt to get past it.

Comma unnecessary. Lol, seems like you're having problems in the conventions department. You DID say you failed English...

* Suddenly it was underneath him again, it had jumped once again.

Lacking a little word variation, are we? And... ability to NOT comma splice, I see.

* A grey, damp boney hand

Okay. Here, you have three adjectives. There are about five or so options you can opt from to relieve this situation. 1) You could just take one or two away. Decide which one's important and leave it there for the image effect.

2) Efface 'em all. Many will argue (especially in the publishing world - not that I agree with this notion, keep that in mind) that adjectives should be used sparingly and ONLY sparingly, like dashes of salt are used just to get the water boiling faster, not to flavor the vegetables you're about to boil. Get it? Judging from your use of adjectives so far, I'd call it safe to judge you an advocate of them, lol. Moving on...

3) Rearrange them in a less awkward order. Something like "a damp, boney grey hand" would do the trick, though not much. Like I said, you have fucking THREE adjectives here. It's a bit of a mouthful regardless.

4) Hyphenate two/don't treat them like compounds. The compound here is "damp boney." It's awkward enough in the first place. Put like "a grey, damp, boney hand," it loses that sense of ineptitude, of an author not knowing how the handle the tools of his craft. Also, hyphenating will take some of the weight off them as a whole. "A boney grey-damp hand," "a damp boney-grey," "a boney-damp grey hand," &c., &c., &c.

5) Rearrange the structure of the sentence. "Grey and damp, a boney hand..." or "A boney hand, grey and damp, ..." or "A hand, bone-grey, damp, ..." The list goes on, my friend. The list does go on.

* "barley" - "barely." Barley is a cereal grain. (Hey, I'm gonna offer 'cause I want to and you seem to need the help - I'm an excellent spellcheck, man. Fya need something checked...)

* Why? Why was it chasing me? What was it?

/You/ don't think in past tense like that, do you? If you're going to think "Why is it chasing me?" you're going to think "Why is it chasing me?" and not "What was it chasing me?" - since, you know, it's STILL chasing him.

* His pockets began to fill heavy...

.../Feel/ heavy. Feel.

* off sync

Should be hyphenated. "Off-sync."

* From now on, I'm just going to ignore the comma splices... they're everywhere.

* 10’s

Lol, UNNECESSARY. Write that out! Thousands.

* You use commas in places where you don't need them and DON'T use them in places were you DO. What's with that? (The piece, of course, that prompted that thought in particular was: "He tried to push himself faster disregarding the amazing sights, he had to keep going or else the monster following him would catch him." It should read more like "He tried to push himself faster, disregarding the amazing sights; he had to keep going or else..." I mean, the semicolon's not a necessity, but the other alternatives are a full stop., an em dash ( - (or a variant, i.e., " - ," "-," &c.)) or a colon (:). Though, I will say, sa you've probably noticed, that this is not the first instance of your comma splicing.)

* - Four hours earlier -

Who, that's not... That lacks any kind of subtelty whatsoever. It's clumsy, awkward, any number of words that could display synonymity with "gauche." A little slapdash, too.

Okay. I made it to the second section. I'll take a look around elsewhere, I suppose. For something more recent, if I can find it. I think I remember it being said that this was your current story. Hm...

Anyway, I guess the feeling is reciprocated. The idea's out of originality, though it's written to feel more that way. I can tell what, as an author, you were trying to do the whole time. It felt me feeling out of the story, an achievement you ascertained right out of the gate with that excuse of an author's note... It was a good attempt. Running through the forest with something chasing him, though? Just the teeniest bit outplayed. I'm only bringing it up, however, because that's what I've focused on. I can't go on.

Never been told you suck before, huh? (:

Hey, like I said, I'm an editor, too; it's what I do. And editor left alone with his own work can be havoc. And, as previously stated, I'd be more than happy to assist with anything in that direction. If not, that's fine, too. Haha. Be good 'nd good luck, I guess.