I thought it was a secondary school? Secondary School students don't carry around lunchboxes lol, the CARETAKERS OFFICE! capitalised bit shouldn't be used unless your character is exclaiming it in speech.

I like this, but it sounds really familiar, this low budget american film called Horror 101 on this cheesy scary movie channel, where about seven or eight kids stay behind to give their presentations on psychopathy to their media teacher, one by one they go missing, then it turns out, one of them, and her, were the killers (except nobody was actually killed) and they were locked in the deep freezer over the summer break. Either way, if this is a coincidence, homage or copy, it's still gonna kick that crap movies ass.

Great story! I really look forward to more, please post it. However, there are some imporvements I want to see that would make this story more enjoyable to me.

Horror is about suspense, and this story doesn't do much to build it. You've got to take it slow, let things build up, describe in the most chilling way you can the things the main character sees and feels.

My imagination was running wild.

tell us what she was thinking. Be specific, not general, sometimes it's not good to be specific, but sometimea it is. Be able to detect when we should have more.

I stepped through the door and stood shakily peering down the passageway.

Try adding a comma after the word 'shakily' it changes the sentence a bit, but I personally think it sounds better.

On the screens were my friends, stuck in the classroom.

very cool, got my attention. Good touch!

I could hear a faint sound of footsteps which seemed to be walking away…

another good touch

Someone had been watching us, WAS watching us, watching our every move. I felt sick, the thought that someone was playing some kind of sick game with us and somehow I knew, it had only just begun…

very interesting, I look forward to find out what happens next.

Thanks and post soon!

-Jacob

Wonderful. I love it, keep it up.

I lent down

this should be bent down, but it was only a minor error.

This chapter (2) was very interesting, I liked it a lot. But once again I want to know what the characters looks like, and what the school looks like. The imagery is vague. Your story is good enough that if you put a bit more time in describing things it has the potential to get even better.

"I came face to face with a forbidding staircase. Funny, it never seemed so threatening to go up it during school, but not knowing what could be at the top made it seem haunting. I started to walk up the plastic-padded steps, by feet echoing with each step I took. The sound seemed amplified in the silence. I could hear it travel, and I felt by blood freeze at the idea that something could be lurking, hearing me, and ready to kill."

Take your time, horror is all about slowly building suspense, not always fast paced thrills. Your story is great, don't get me wrong. Also, it's important in a horror story, for us to really care about the characters, so we don't want anything bad to happen to them. Maybe use a little more characterization.

Once again you have a real talent for writing, and I look forward to chapter 3!

-Jacob

Well listen smart ass,

great line, a very believable response. The dialogue is real and believable, but I thought that line had the most power in it.

However I don't know what any of the characters look like. This is very important. There is little imagery, and I don't know what the classroom looks like either. I like the wide pallet of characters, however make sure each one is clearly defined, or we're not going to know one from another.

I enjoyed reading chapter one, and I look forward to reading more. Thanks for posting and keep writing, you've got talent.

-Jacob

PS I subscribed to your story, so I'll know when new additions are made

I eagerly await your next chapter. It was nice to read a story full of suspense, as I found myself glued to the screen reading your every word. Nicely done.

wow, very exciting.

please right more.

Lol, hi danni! (Dunno why i'm saying hi since you're in the same room as me XD)

'Tis a gurd story, well written and Awesome!

I'm honestly surprised that you didn't call Jamie James XD If ya get what i mean XD

Continue soon :D

Nice job so far. Please update soon!

hey your story is awesome, lucas has to definatly be louis lol! plz put the other chapters up soon i so wanna read the rest.

cya chuck x keep on writing