|Reviews for The Human Genome|
| Berg Calder chapter 2 . 9/1/2010
Great story, i cant wait till i wake up and read it in the morning.
| M.D.Irvine chapter 3 . 4/22/2009
Okay I am guessing that in this chapter you have switched to us seeing through another character's pov and I have to suggest that if that is what you are doing then you should use his name at the beginning instead of He's lean it should be XYZ is lean. Maybe the same should be done with the other chapter. Instead of the male strikes the metal again, it should say Neithan strikes just to give us a sense of who is who.
My only other comment is that I am 3 chapters in the story and I really can't tell what the plot is which doesn't push me into reading more. Your introduction grabbed my attention but I can't tell what's at stake here in the overall plot or to the main character or who the main character is.
| M.D.Irvine chapter 2 . 4/22/2009
Nice introduction of your main character, I am assuming it is your main character. Your description again is vivid- great use of words and even color to make us, the readers, picture what's going on.
It reads smoothly, so smoothly that I barely blinked at the "six fingered grasp". The way it was put in, it sounds like it is a normal occurrence here. Then again factor in the words hoof prints and clan and it is most likely normal.
"Wincing again, the smith-" I don't know why the word smith nagged at me. Maybe because I'm used to seeing the word "blacksmith" instead used as a noun and "to smith" as a verb but I know smith can be used as a noun as well so it's not really a big deal. It just took me a while to connect.
I have to say the point of view you use is interesting. Third person and present tense. (I've gotten so used to seeing third person with past and 1st person with present) I like it.
"Catching a large smith bully a small blond boy out of a seat next to a young woman who clings to his hand as she is held down by several other hulking smiths, he winces hunching his shoulders, trying to become as small as he can."
There is so much going on in this sentence that it takes several reads to figure it out. You have the large smith bully the small blond boy and when you said "he winces" I didn't know if it was the small boy or the main character describing what he was seeing until I read the next sentence. I'd say break up the sentence here.
"the bucket person" should be the person/woman carrying the bucket. I'm not sure you can describe someone as the bucket person.
"He watches her, dripping, somehow sprawled across him, her simple blue dress hugging her breasts and stomach intimately and his face burns red as she looks at him forlornly, her hair covering her face and tears clearly visible on her cheeks."- Another very long sentence. He watches her. She's dripping and somehow sprawled across him. Her simple blue dress hugs her breasts and stomach intimately and his face burns red as she looks at him forlornly. Her hair covering her face, her tears clearly visible on her cheeks. (I figured I should show an example instead of just saying break up a sentence)
She leans forward, pressing him back, forgetting all the people as she runs her hot little hands over his chest before kissing him. He smiles; he guesses his private relationship is now oh so public.
(Very nice twist at the end)
| M.D.Irvine chapter 1 . 4/22/2009
Hey. Firstly, I apologize for this review coming so late and since this is not the place to make excuses I'm moving on to make my comments.
After reading the first chapter (it feels more like a prologue though because of the length), I have to say you did a good job with choosing words for the description. Vivid.
The first line says the black marble is empty but moves on to say their cold surfaces (did you mean its cold surface? It starts off as singular).
"They are sheer and flawless, just solid slabs of opaque black stone, occasionally marred by a drop of water that splashes up from the clear ring of water in the centre of the room but otherwise perfect."- I am not sure why that sentence sounds odd to me especially the occasionally marred by a drop of water that splashes up from the clear ring of water. Maybe because it is a long sentence with lots of commas. There are a lot of those here. Perhaps you should split up the sentence.
The word perfect is used in the next sentence to describe the statue but I feel maybe you should just say "A cascade of water sprays its chest" because you mentioned perfection just a sentence before.
Closing its eyes softly for a moment it bites into the old man’s neck, his hand clenching tighter about the talisman... ( It took me a moment here to realize that the point of view had shifted again to the man. Maybe Closing its eyes softly for a moment it bites into the old man's beck. The man's hand clenched tightly...)
It is a very gripping prologue though I wonder if the rest of the story is going to read like this style wise. I have seen it done before a whole story with little or no dialogue and very vivid description but for me I feel like there should be little breaks somehow. Maybe vary sentence structure a bit with some short or choppy sentences just to give readers some pause.
| Maplewing chapter 4 . 4/14/2009
Wow, this is really good so far. I love your writing style, and the description is amazing. I can really picture everything that's going on. And by the way, I really like the name Sleet.
I love the line "This is ironic as Sleet has the urge to find the Thegem and throw if off the cliff." It made me laugh a little, always good.
You've described Dreeth (another great name) well, no surpise there seeing as how you told the rest of the chapter.
Overall, I like this story. Nice job. :D
Oh, and one more thing... the prologue was awesome too.
Maplewing, reviewing from the Review Game
| Left FP chapter 6 . 3/28/2009
Wow. The shortest and the most powerful chapter yet. But, I am a little confused. Who is this man? Your story have loads of characters, and sometimes, I really have to stop and think and then read...since reading it in one flow, kind of gets my head jumbled up. Now then,back to the story: it was a little too full of descriptions.
You could have had a line saying, "Psst! I am here." And then, the guard turns the other way, but holds out his hand for the price promised to him.
See...that way you could tell your readers the concept, without really telling such a lot.
A little bit of plot exposition never hurts anyone. The pacing is good, the characters feel real (or as real as possible)...well, undoubtedly, I am looking forward for more.
| Left FP chapter 5 . 3/28/2009
Okay...so the dialogs increased here. Nice portrayal of the characters. Especially the mushy parts...Aw...it's so cute. And I love romance stuff!
The flashbacks were well written, linking to the present. I would say, this chapter is by far my favorite in this story so far.
Keep up the good work.
| Left FP chapter 4 . 3/28/2009
Ah...so the plot begins to thicken...can't wait to see what happens now.
I like the way you started this chapter. I was wondering what this female creature was up to. Once again, good descriptions. It sent thrills down my spine. Sense of mystery definitely scores brownie points.
I guess the reason, people aren't taking to your story isn't the fact there's mush. It's because, you tell rather than show, way too much.
Sometimes, let the characters take hold of your story for awhile. You sit back and enjoy, as you watch them tell you a story.
That didn't make much sense...but whatever, you get the drift, right?
| Left FP chapter 3 . 3/28/2009
This chapter certainly makes things interesting. But it is peppered with way too much descriptions.
I love the voice you write in. It is almost as though the observer is narrating the incidents to the reader. Very unique way of handling the story. Not many people could have pulled it off. Kudos to you for doing it though.
On the whole, I would suggest inserting some dialogs and making the characters tell their own story through it.
Looking forward for more.
P.S. Sorry for the late review. :D My lappie went out of charge and shut down on me!
| Samuel Harrisson chapter 3 . 3/11/2009
I like the fact that your descriptions are quite vivid, almost too vivid. Perhaps some dialogue? It could also be from the fact that I didn't read any other part but it was a little confusing. Please don't take this as a negative review, on the contrary, I enjoyed it, it was just a little confusing!
| Evil Minion Number 2 chapter 4 . 2/22/2009
Hum, the plot thickens.
Getting interesting, and I'm loving the description of the hunt.
I should point out the errors I saw in this though.
"It tastes delicious and she quickens her pace..."
Kind of seams to be a bit repetitive after the smile, and even with that, feels a bit awkward in this sentence. I'd recommend deleting it all together.
"They it’ll be hers!"
I think you can see the mistake here yourself.
"She drags her prey up the rocky hillock..."
Wait, did she kill it? When did that happen? Is it still alive? Would be best to clarify it in any case.
“Be quiet! I’m trying to kill myself and I can’t do it with you moaning like that!”
That feels slightly unnatural in terms of dialogue.
"This is ironic as Sleet has the urge to find the Thegem and throw if off the cliff."
Were doing a fantastic job of showing and not telling until this point.
Beyond those few points, looking good.
| double shadow chapter 4 . 2/21/2009
maybe i'm too tired to do this justice but although it's gorgeously, fantastically, exquisitely written...i have no idea what it's all about.
| PacificBlue chapter 3 . 2/15/2009
I love your style of writing. It seems to flow perfectly. Everything is written in a formal sort of way, really good.
I have to admit though, reading the three chapters didn't exactly draw me into wanting to read more. There was something about it that seemed kind of forced, like it was just trying to keep you reading with each sentence. I don't know where the story is really going, like there doesn't really seem to be a vague plot even, at least in my opinion. I hope that in later chapters, there will be more to help describe that.
I also really loved your way of describing everything. Your words are really colorful, I guess you could say. You described them in such a way that you get a clear image of what they look like in your mind.
Overall, I love your style of writing and the way that you describe everything, but I wish that there was more to it, more to draw the reader in.
Also, I am aware that I only read three of the four chapters.
But anyway, continue writing, and nice work:]
| your blind date chapter 2 . 2/13/2009
Likes: Your descriptions of everything at the beginning of this chapters were really vivid, it was so easy to picture the scene you had painted. Actually I've liked most of your descriptions in your story thus far. Great job!
I also thought the ending was very cute. Definitely an "aw" moment :-)
Dislike: It was kind of hard to connect to the character in this chapter. The way you've written it made me feel almost like I was seeing this watching a tape rather than like I was right there with him.
"the bucket person" was kind of a weird way of describing someone
"gentle grabs her ponytail" could be "gently"
| B. J. Winters chapter 3 . 2/13/2009
Even though I started here, it was easy to see and engage in the story. I don't particularly have the detail of names and descriptions (which I wouldn't expect you to repeat this late in the story), but you did a good job using gender and location to set a stage that I could still grip as a reader.
The present tense threw me. It's unusual and the way you used felt very out of place given the flashbacks. It was difficult to be in the present tense in a memory...you might want to consider other's feedback on this matter since I'm not sure what to advise...it could just be me, but it left me feeling less grounded and unsure where it was going. Consistency of tense is fine, but it may not be always necessary.
As for flow/sentence structure, you consistently use noun/verb sentences. He walks up to her, She leads them, He stares, etc. I would actually mix this up and use -ing verbs to start some of your sentences. "Walking up to her," "Leading them," etc. It would flow smoother and add variety.
I particularly liked the scene and description of the "poisonous little critter". Use used clear descriptive words for a unique situation and drew me in. I could visualize it easily and was interested in the outcome.
I liked the ending. I thought it tied up the chapter cleanly, mirrored the opening and still left the reader intrigued on what would happen next.
I enjoyed it. Thanks for the read.