|Reviews for GREENER|
| berley chapter 1 . 1/13/2011
Your first line really has potential to be amazing, but I don’t think it’s quite there yet. I found it a bit confusing and worded wrong, I had to re read it a couple times before I figured out what exactly you were talking about, and saw the awesome potential it has to be a great hook. I’m sorry I can’t really offer too much advice on how to re-word it, but it was mostly just the fourth sentence that I found sounded wrong.
“…expression of her frozen face…”
- I think ‘expression on her frozen face’ sounds better.
I liked that you put the title at the end, it kind of reminded me of an opening scene of a movie before they release the title and start the opening credits. It was kind of cool.
So, overall good job for the first chapter. It got me asking questions and wanting to know more of what was going on, so that is a good thing. Though, one thing I would have liked more of would be a description of the setting. Not really the world that they live in, but even a simple description of the room that these two characters are in. Is it a normal office with a book case and a desk? Or is it a more modern looking room with clean cut almost metal like furniture? I feel you don’t need to go into huge description, but a few hints here and there of what the room is like, or even the general atmosphere I think would have added to the scene nicely.
Good job so far, this story sounds like it’s going to be original!
| StructureDKhaos chapter 17 . 12/1/2010
OH...My...God...This story is freaking amazing, dude, post more! keep on writing!
| Necole chapter 3 . 5/1/2010
I am loving the symbolism. After only reading chapters 1-3, I can hardly stop reading. The story drew me in right away.
| Ruby Kart chapter 17 . 12/22/2009
*Applause* I honestly don't know what else to say.
It's been great reading all the chapters you've posted on here. The story really kept me hooked, and I'm sure once I get it in book form, I won't be able to put it down. I will definitely be looking for it in the next year.
| Ruby Kart chapter 16 . 12/22/2009
Marvelous Chapter! I absolutely loved it. That little boy? Sounds more like an angel than anything else. I love the analogy you give the paper. In the physical realm, things have power when you GIVE them power.
Good job. Don't know why he has to find his parents now, but it should add some interesting spice to the story. And Patricia. I feel for her, I trully do. No one deserves to be treated like that, and to top it off, I would never have been able to draw someone I hated and make them look beautiful. Then again, i can't really draw at all, but I digress.
Great Chapter Komori! Look forward to the next one :)
| Ruby Kart chapter 15 . 11/30/2009
Interesting...Color and Design, that all leads back to Aya.
Now, if Aya is trying to reinstate the Handmen, what happened that the Handmen are no longer in control?
Pieces are falling into place slightly, but there's still so much missing! Write faster, lol
| Ruby Kart chapter 14 . 11/23/2009
Interesting. THis story is so full of intrigue that I can never not read it. Only problem is I constantly get lost. So once you finish it, I'm going to go back and read it all over again just to make sure I get every ounce of info that you have placed into this story!
I honestly love the style. The dialogue is so direct and natural. The descriptions are so fluid, it just flows really well. Definitely easy to read, just a tad difficult to fit together. But that's what mystery is, right?
| Sephiroth Critic chapter 1 . 11/1/2009
How fascinating. I must wonder, though, if Hireki's view of society is correct (as seems to be implied), or if he might actually be insane. The voice in his head that commands him to make choices regardless of logical consequences does lend itself to the latter theory. Perhaps it is both?
You needn't point out your own symbolism, though, unless you do so subtly. And you did so both by explaining the character's name symbolism and by explaining the meaning of the title, though the latter was somewhat more practical. I cannot help but wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
| Misao S chapter 5 . 9/21/2009
Wow, this story really has me on the edge of my seat. It's bizarre, suspenseful, and difficult to determine anyone's motives or which side they're on!
| Karlo'C chapter 13 . 9/20/2009
Great chapter! I like your style of making a middle-aged man your main character (like in that unfinished work of yours "The Deviant"). Most of the main charatacters in the Manga section are teenagers you know.
Hireki's getting a whole lot of torture! I mean going through all that trouble in his teenage years and blocks out one day then waking up to find he's a dad with a freakish son. I wonder how your gonna pull this off. It's great stuff.
My only wonder with this chapter is his state of mind. I mean, does he still think like a teenager or is he wiser now like a thirty-two year old? Or did I miss something? Anyway, please keep this up.
I've read your story a while back. In fact, back when it still had no reviews. I have to say I found myself going back to your story over and over. I wanted to review but all I did was go to the next chapter and kept reading because this story just reeled me in. I just didn't know what to say.
Well I've read your past chapters and nothing bad to say(reeled me in I said). My only critique is that your first-person turned into somewhat third person somewhere in the middle. You wanted to describe a happening which was not within Hireki's parameters right? How could he know what was happening then from far away? I'm sorry but this got me confused.
With all that aside, please accept my deepest gratitude for being the first to review my stories. I will treasure it forever...
| Ruby Kart chapter 13 . 7/9/2009
Yay! I'm happy you've updated this story. Yet, I continue to be tangled in this mystery. Somehow things are just way to confusing. And it frustrates me because there isn't any more to read and help untangle this mess.
I remember Aya, but I'm completely lost as to who Iris Crawford is. Which chapter was she in?
| Stardrag chapter 1 . 6/6/2009
I've never read a psychological thriller before checkin this one out..and I must say that it does not dissapoint me in the least. I think using the word "from" would be better than "and" when the lady says:
-having trouble distinguishing what's real and what's on your mind."
But it deosn't really matter, lol!
Besides, I love the thought of a writer doing something like this, plusit looks like you've looked up a couple of things. Did yah knwo the thing on christ being crucified was done to a sun god way before it was done to him? The big thing that got me was if his own religion has been so tainted that even he doesn't even know what it TRULY is.
| TamashaToko chapter 12 . 6/2/2009
Komori...you are going to hate me...but I don't get it.
Well maybe I do. In the first chapter he was with the pshycologist who was Aya. Could he have been Alex when he was with her discussing the realty he lived in? No? The only other guess I can make is that his choice is to pick a realty. Could this be the fake not true one? Is he stuck with it? No I'm probably still wrong? And why did that guy wanna take his heart
| TamashaToko chapter 11 . 6/2/2009
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG no friggen way...you have too much talent to be writing on fictionpress with all of these revalations. It's funny that this story isn't that long, the chapters are short and there is only 10 chapters, but yet we know enough about the characters to fell easily betrayed. Of course Destiny wanted him to hold that gun backwards if this was what was going to happen
| TamashaToko chapter 10 . 6/2/2009
You finally asleep Komori? Can I leave my review now?
It's a pretty short chapter, but once again with a lot of content. Even though the focus is on Aya (btw this girl gets around, she is with her mom, runs away, and is now going to be performing in front of millions and why does she open her eyes now?) I liked the insight on Destiny for some reason, how she has a boyfriend who doesn't leave his room and seems to have a normal life cept she's a theif who has a lot of equipment. I also like how the main character isn't good at shooting a gun. A little detail like this means a lot to me cause I'm sick of flawless bad ass characters, this sets him a part from your usaul 'Neo's' who are unstoppable. Do we ever find out how Destiny is his aunt. On his mom's side or his dad's side. On to the next chapter.