Interesting shortcut down the cliff...

I wonder whether it will be a city of shining light and solid steel, or whether it will be a village of stone and fire... who knows.

Best watch the grammar and spelling... I see a few errors hiding away within the lines of this tale.

As Half-smile said, you try too hard trying to recreate scenes in anime and manga. In turn however, a few of your sentences are awkward or make little sense.

eg. darkness failed my sights would have sounded better as darkness filled my sight or my sight failed as darkness crept in, etc.

I like pointing out errors and things so yeah: you forgot an 'n'. "Then like a overload" should be "Then like an overload".

Still, it has potential.

Write a bit more and it'll get better.

Ahh, nice piece of work.

Anime and manga scenes may seem a bit awkward in words, though I get the mental picture and it really does help create the mood and atmosphere. Setting and some events are little bit cliched, though some are new and refreshing.

Is this going to be based on the FoR CYOA The Book of Myst?

Well written in general, and knowing the FoR version, it's got great potential, keep it up (

Haha! Yeah I suppose you're right I should fix my over use of ... . Well I don't normal write for other people to read. I'm still learning how to make various points and sections of my story better/more interesting so I would appreciate any feedback on whether you like it hate it or I have places to improve or fix. I don't really mind critizism but please don't go overboard. :)

This was a good beginning. It was a good way of introducing your character, in that he is a little awkward but still determined. The whole scenario was cliche, but you did a good job of writing it.

Only thing that bugged me was your constant use of '...', it's really unnecessary to use it so many times. In my opinion, it disrupts the flow of the story.

Anyways, good first chapter.

Update soon~

-Jessie m p.s. pay it forward

This story promises to be very interesting. You captured the scene and expressed the character's awkwardness great; I could really see it all happening. I look forward to seeing where you go with this. Again, nice work.