|Reviews for The Imperishable Reality|
| Darwin chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Being that I owe you a few reviews for your thoughtful and very generous string of recent reviews, I thought I would pick a couple of your shorts to read and review.
"...But hey, you get used to it” he continued, “The most wonderful..." A little bit of issue with the punctuation on this dialogue here. ["But, hey, you get used to it," he continued. "The most wonderful..."]
If you have something such as "He said," "she replied" etc, it can be handled one of two ways. "I like ice cream." She added, "My favorite is chocolate, though." or "I like ice cream," she said. "My favorite is chocolate."
"She felt slapped upon his words," This is awkward to read. How about changing it to: "His words stung." and it would be a period afterward because it doesn't preamble the dialogue with "She said." Action stands apart.
"untrammeled" I had to look this word up - thanks for helping me increase my vocabulary.
"unto" while used correctly, is a rather stuffy word. I think "into" would work just fine.
Watch your tenses in this passage, there are several points (mostly in the beginning) where you slip between first and third person.
This is actually a pretty interesting piece. I wonder if he was truly another lost soul or her personally guardian sent to show her the way.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 11/24/2009
Why do I think that there's some kind of Roman Catholic influence here? Must be the purgatory reference. Anyway, interesting one shot here. All in all, interesting concept in this story. If there's anything I can suggest here, it will be the fact that you can actually play up the emotional factor in this work. From what I've seen here, my guess will be that the emotions factor figure about thirty to forty percent where in fact, my estimation for the improved percentage could be around seventy percent or so. Seems pretty reasonable to me since this is a work based on humane emotions. Eh yeah, I admit I'm speaking too much Maths stuff out of nowhere. :S Also, you can actually do more focus on the exchange between Nadine and Raymond in such a way that their own thoughts could be exposed in a more in depth way. Anyway, good job here. I will try to see if I can pay back the remaining quota you've sent for The Eternal Grail. :)
| aquizzle chapter 1 . 11/6/2009
I really like this story. The mixture between Nadine's sadness, then the humour that Raymond adds balances the dark and light perfectly.
Just one thing though, I was a little confused by the change in tense in the first and last paragraphs, eg:
'Nadine pondered on all the people and things she'll miss...'
Other than that, a short and sweet story, as the previous reviewer mentioned.
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 8/7/2009
Aww, this was short and sweet. So Raymond was killed recently too, or did he stick around until he found Nadine? Maybe you could've expanded a bit more on the past interactions between Nadine and her brother.
This sentence didn't make sense to me:
As an uninvited presence, she witnessed her funeral and seen family and friends wept over her unexpected final exit.
~ Sakina x