|Reviews for Transformation|
| Duckies chapter 1 . 8/21/2009
Ooh, so creepy! o.O
I liked most of the descriptions - they gave the coolest, freakiest tone to the story (doesn't help that I'm reading this alone in a dark room at 1am in the morning either xD) However, I felt some lines, like "rattled and rolled" or "begged and pleaded." felt a bit overdone, posiibly because the words that came before were sufficient to convey the message. I'm also not very fond of using the word 'and' - so it might just be one of my pet peeves :D
"trying to keep the quaver out of his voice." - should 'quaver' be 'quiver'? It seems to be okay, but it just doesn't feel right to me, because to quaver is to quiver in the past (verb) but you use it here as a noun...idk - might just be me.
I'm super curious as to what happened, but I think the fact that you never revealed what became of the woman made the story all the more compelling. This would work fantastically if you ever chose to expand on it, imho.
Loved the last line, the description painted the most vivid imige in my mind, and it ended perfectly - simple, but oh-so-effective. Loved it.
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/26/2009
[“Julia, Jules, July, baby doll, please don’t do this... please...” he begged and pleaded.]
Typically, when there are only two characters, you don't really need speech tags. And, "he begged and pleaded" is just hammering it in; the dialogue is showing that well enough.
Lots of dark ambiguity. I liked the steady transformation and the descriptions; eerie.
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| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 4/4/2009
On a side note: You guessed my eldest daughter's name...and put my youngest son's name in this story-how funny. :-)
Okay, on to the review.
I liked the imagery of this piece. "Raking her nails into his skin.", "The noise was fingers on chalkboard, screeching cars, worse.", "blood pumping sluggishly"-drew vivid mental pictures involving most of the senses, bringing a sense of reality to the piece.
Although it added a sense of mystery, I can't say that I liked the questions that were left unanswered. If this evolves to more of a story later on (i.e. this being a prologue), then it would be an exciting opening. However, as a one-shot, it requires more information. I hope that you do decide to develop this further, because I hate leaving a good puzzle unsolved!
| improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 3/4/2009
That was freakish to the nines!
Great imagery in describing the pain of the transformation in Julia, especially when her eyes turn "a dense black, from lid to lid, and an inky shadow was infiltrating the surrounding skin like a giant bruise"
What's there is good/promising. Just needs more... It's a little too wtf? to stand on it's own at the moment - and I only say that cause with a bit more substance, I think it really could be a truly chillifying oneshot.
On a personal note - the same person using both 'darling' and 'baby doll' as affectionate terms seems slightly odd - they just sort of clash. This could just be me being anti-sentamentalist as always, of course...:p
| Galadriel1010 chapter 1 . 1/31/2009
Wow, that's (slightyl surreal) but brilliant. So dark, made darker by the fact that we don't really know what's going on. Brilliant!