|Reviews for Room 1|
| elf-eyes chapter 10 . 10/16/2009
There truly are times when perpressure is a good thing. The story really does focus more on the better side of human nature. That and perserverence, willpower and comitment will reap rewards in the end. Good or bad.
| paperbullet chapter 10 . 10/15/2009
It's a lot like X-Men in that it focuses on the social issues that superheroes might bring up, but sparing us the villains. Although I suppose that villains would be a little harder to bring up. Keep writing, Sparkledot.
| CrazyFictionChallenges chapter 9 . 10/15/2009
Nice story you have got here.
If you want to express and try out writing challenges, join Crazy Fiction Challenges now. Winners will be pointed out all around fictionpress. and will be rewarded with reviews and such Have a go at this months theme is halloween for rules go to homepage.
Or our website.
| elf-eyes chapter 9 . 10/15/2009
Well, things are going well for her. People are listening, or reading blogs. The end bit is a fair argument for having a facebook account. Just saying.
| kangawu12 chapter 9 . 10/14/2009
hello i just started reading this today and may i say this is a great story
sad it has to end soon now that i just started
keep writin and knowin you have one more reviewer
| WeCanBeAnything chapter 9 . 8/23/2009
Hey! I love love love love love love this story. I really hope you wanna continue it, cause its so different than everything else I've read (im very into the whole growing up, drama, thing, not into superpowers). Did you move from North or south America to Europe or the other way around? omg, im sorry for writing so much, i just think you should continue this story because it's fun to read and it's defiantly better than anything I wrote! So, I hope you write back in your next chapter or respond or whatever you wanna do!
~live as if you'll die today (you cn call me mer)
| paperbullet chapter 8 . 8/1/2009
It's rather dull at this point. The presence of superpowers has had little effect on the story so far. You've introduced a change to the natural world (or at least introduced an allegory) and now you've got to use that to show something. In a nutshell, something's got to happen. Something that takes up more than one chapter. The events of a single day, perhaps, or maybe even an hour. If you know what you're doing and where you're going, go for it, but if you're fishing for ideas, try to develop an event. It will allow you to give greater detail and write more pages.
| elf-eyes chapter 8 . 8/1/2009
Not bad. Good choice in the variation of Bob's reaction from the rest of the other men. Also, good job on the way the main character is trying to help her friends. Perhaps not an easy road, but who ever said life was easy?
| paperbullet chapter 7 . 6/16/2009
I'm still here, Sparkledot. Despite my seemingly endless list of things to do, I always seem to have time enough to review whenever I open my e-mail and see that you've updated. It's like you're watching me or something (looks out window, hears a car peeling out, shivers).
One positive thing about not adding in forever is that now I have to go back and read the rest of the story to remember what it was about, so my reviewing gets better, incidentally.
Pros: Irene is becoming more complex, as she does every chapter. The concept of power-evolution (getting more powers as time goes on) has been introduced, and details on her family has been expanded on.
Cons: Dialogue needs work. Meaning that it occasionally doesn't come across as in-character for the characters speaking it. If you analyze the speech, you can probably find those instances yourself. Also, you're getting off-task. The superhero revolution from the end of Chapter 1 hasn't come into play at all. What has changed?
I gotta disagree with elf-eyes here, about the power scene. This is the meaty section of the story-sandwich. That may just be me. Somehow a superhero story with excessive use of superpowers is just a drama to me.
BWS? Bowling with Samurai? Baseball Win Super? Boys with Sandwiches?
| elf-eyes chapter 7 . 6/16/2009
Yeah, I kinda figured that part out, and you don't have to worry.
Anyhow, the story's doing well. Good descriptions too. Umm, anything I can type that won't sound trite? Why don't you skip the sceen where she shows off her power? Sometimes it's better to show the after affects than what happened.
| paperbullet chapter 6 . 4/10/2009
:) Thank you kindly. A reviewer likes to hear their work is appreciated almost (*almost*) as much as authors do.
Comments: Not much happened here in this newest bit. One relationship was developed on, but not much plotwise. So there isn't a lot to comment on.
Pros: There's been more power development for the other characters. (But be sure to not waste time on unimportant characters.) I'm also picking up on your ability to sense dramatic timing. There's not much to really show off yet, but, if polished, it could really help out the work.
Cons: Some dead dialogue (dialogue that is not interesting nor advances the plot) at the end. The conversation about how Irene is getting home is pretty long, and unless we're learning something about her character, it probably should've been cut.
Suggestions: You oughta sit down and write out a longer piece. If you do that, it won't seem to go as fast (which a lot of the other reviewers have been complaining about) and there'll be more to read. More setting description, less dialogue.
Questions: None for now, but I like to organize my reviewing :)
Like I said, not much here to comment on. More is more.
| elf-eyes chapter 6 . 4/9/2009
Zac is bipolar. If he was a freshman you could call him the B.F.K. It would work.
| elf-eyes chapter 5 . 3/26/2009
Not bad at all. What is Zac's problem? Doesn't he like people having their lives saved? Is he jellous? I'd say the second option. Who wouldn't be?
| paperbullet chapter 5 . 3/25/2009
Sorry for not reviewing, SparkleDot. I had a load of Spring Break schoolwork I needed to kill off. Back to the review.
Pros: I like how you're fleshing it out more. We're getting deeper into Irene's head, which, as I said before, makes her more human and a more endearing character. We're inspecting the others more, and moving along in the plotline. This is both good and necessary to the story's health.
Cons: Irene's pretty fragile emotionally, I think. Sticks and stones don't break her bones, but words can toss her into a frenzy. This can either be bad, or just be a part of her character. Additionally, there's an awful lot of good-and-evil discussion here, which may be relevant to later on, but typically weakens a work. Despite a lot of the works coming out these days, people do have firm beliefs in things that they no longer question.
Suggestions: Do you have a plotline already written out? I make notes on my story all the time (I have more notes than story), and they're really helpful to have, if you don't already have them.
Questions: Do you know where you're going with the story? Are you building up to something? Do you have a message to tell, a beauty to unfold, a statement to make? Please share.
| elf-eyes chapter 4 . 3/7/2009
IT's going to fast. The plot line and the way people act are moving too fast. The girl they saved was a little to accepting. To friendly. Unless your trying to make her suspisous to readers, her actions just aren't human. Too slow stories aren't good, but neither are too fast ones. Becareful it's a fine line to walk.