Reviews for Room 1
EccentrikPirate chapter 1 . 3/5/2009
Read the first chapter, and you mentioned wanting some constructive criticism on the Roadhouse forum, so here's some:

One, you're opening paragraph contradicts itself "They were not trembling out of anger or Parkinson’s disease. No, they were shaking out of anger."

Two: This is very straight forward. Too straight forward. In my personal opinion you include more exposition than necessary for your opening. You don't have to explain everything this girl is capable of in the first few paragraphs. Keep some of it a secret, build the mystery, it hooks the reader in.

That's all for now.
elf-eyes chapter 3 . 3/3/2009
Not bad at all. The girl with the fire powers sounds the most interesting. Oh, that power would be so col. *chanting* Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, water, water... *cough* sorry about that. Just a little carried away, and badger song.
paperbullet chapter 3 . 2/17/2009
Glad to see feedback. Too many writers don't provide feedback, and that discourages us editors.

I'm working on my own superhero story (it's not posted yet), so I've given this particular genre a lot of thought.

You need to think of what the hero/heroine thinks of his/her powers. If s/he was born with them, they'll think of them differently than if s/he received them in an event. How do they think of their "differentness"? Does it irritate them, anger them, make them think they're better than common people? How does it affect their outlook on the world around them?

The first chapter was the most developed. Since then, there hasn't been a lot of payoff from the buildup in the chapter. The "social revolution" has yet to add any steps to it.

Stretch it out! Too much is happening in too short a time. You need to develop the characters and the situation. The reader will grow attached to them that way, and care about how they feel and what happens to them.

Divorce is tough, and, unfortunately for our world, too many people know it personally. If you're going to write about it a lot, be prepared to deal with those readers' feelings. It isn't just a story for them.

I'd like to hear more about Christy, actually. Her abilities would work the best in tandem together, I think. Of the boys, I'd like to hear about "the shorter one" from Chapter 1.

Keep it up!
JimmyGray101 chapter 3 . 2/17/2009
i really liked it :) your a good writer, it's the kind of story i'd read too. i think you should tell us more about the superhero kids' backgrounds a little maybe how they realised they got there powers
paperbullet chapter 2 . 2/4/2009
Pros: Connections between superpowers and the personalities of their users. This helps with remembering who has what powers.

Cons: The speech doesn't sound natural, and it's a bit too fast. Readers will need a little processing time for all the new information you're giving them.

Questions: What is the purpose of the story? To teach, to entertain... ?
paperbullet chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
Superpowers are always a good concept. Try to expand it a little. Show-not-tell, ya know? :D
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