loved this story, it was a nice re-telling of the original story

hi !

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Mazzie,

I really did like this chapter. It was a little too short for my liking but it did have questions and answers and angst and some development of the plot. I can't wait to find out what happens next!

i like this. i've read the original about a million times, and this is a great retelling.

Love the idea. It's a supercute story so far. Jorinda and Jorindel are adorable. Poor couple though. I feel sorry for Jorindel when his love gets turned into a bird. I like how he resolves to save her though. Brave man!

You write very well. I found no errors whatsoever. Awesome work.

Well, now I'm one hundred percent sure that the witch is not a fairy tale. :)

I like how you moved along the plot at a leisurely pace in this chapter. Often people try to get to the crisis too quickly (myself included), and everything gets a little rushed. Here you're keepng it at a nice pace, and making us wonder about that witch.

I'm a little disappointed at the lack of description here. The first chapte was almost bordering on opulent, and in this one, it's quite minimal.

-Stardust.

Well, I'm not very familiar with the fairy tale, but if it's Brothers Grimm, then it's probably really good! Also, your writing convinces me that it is.

I like how the story's written from Jorindel's point of view. It's not often that there's a good male perspective on this site, posibly because everyone on this site is in fact female, but your portrayal was very believable and not Gary-Stuish at all.

I also liked your description. It's very fairy-talish and fits the era in which the original tale would have been written by the Brothers Grimm. Too often with these modern-day depictions, something gets lost in the translation from old to new and the new doesn't hold the wonder of the old. Different here, obviously! Next chapter.

-Stardust.

Something tells me that this witch is real after all...can't wait to find out what happens next.

How do I get the feeling the witch is real? Lol.

I like the discription and effort you've put into this; it's much better than alot of the stuff I read nowdays. I think that with a better summary, there would be alot more people interested in this.

Lee

-Part of the review game-

Not something I would have picked up for the summary, as I normally don't read Het, but I'll play the game anyways.

I liked the intro to the story, how it was extremely discriptive about first the lady, and then proceeds onto the MC's thoughts about himself.

I love the character's have very little self-esteem, those are my favorite characters, and your MC appeals to me greatly because of this fact.

The setting of the story is very interesting, although I have never seen Grimms Brothers, so I was expecting to be surprised anyways.

[Jorinda madness.]

Should be Jorinda's madness.

[But to her surprise I never did, that irritated her.]

'and' that irritated her?

[she said cheerily.]

[I said truthfully.]

[she said suddenly]

[I said, unthinkingly,]

Adverbs are often used to modify said when the dialogue isn't adequate enough to imply the tone. Actions and expressions would also work to convey the tone. It relates to showing and not telling.

Your dialogue did a good enough job of implying the adverbs. The adverbs can be cut out.

Aw, sweet ending, I liked it. Nice job. I liked the characters and your writing style.

-Review Marathon, link in profile.

Good luck in WCC.

I liked this! I thought it was cute :)

But I do think that either the guy is pretty simple, or he hasn't been developed enough. Maybe that's just me, though :)

Also, at the beginning there was an oldy-worldy feel to the story, but the dialogue you've used doesn't reflect that. Either modernise (if that's a word, haha) the story completely, or keep it consistently historical.

I really did like this story. I think that your syntax, vocabulary (except the bits mentioned before) and use of dialogue all merged together well to make an interesting story.

And I've never heard of this story before yet I knew what was going on, so good job :)

Good luck in the WCC!

-Amy

Aw. That's...that's...aw. That's just so nice. You have made my morning.

I've never heard of this story either but it looks like an interesting beginning.

I like the tone and register you chose for this story: it's sweet and simple, like something a humble shepherd boy would narrate.

However, I think the dialogue's a little too modern to fit the historical context. Words like "hey" could be modified to something else to give it a more distinct, historical flavour.

The ending was sweet too but a little rushed. What did they do before they kissed? Maybe you could have a bit more dialogue and action to build up to it, to make it more sweet.

Overall, good work. Keep it up.

Nice retelling. I haven't heard of this story before but I like it and I can't wait to see what the full story of yours turns out to be.

(and since I'm the first reviewer *does first review dance*)

Update soon!