|Reviews for Everything That They Said|
| Charlee Rayne chapter 12 . 12/28/2010
for a moment i thought you were going to make her and diego hook up!
but i honestly don't like her with drake. thats too easy, you know? i think she should maybe meet someone new. A new plot line in the story opening, you know?
but you are the author,and i'm the reader. Love it so far!
| Michael's Divinity chapter 12 . 6/7/2010
I need that, for it has been so long. I hope the next update does not take as long.
Anyway! To the chapter. This was awesome! I do have to agree with Fang, regardless if Diego knows what Rufus is like, taking the slow path is preposterous. I am torn at who should become the receptionist: Amber would be harlious due to the fact that she has an attitude, while Violet would be polite. Overall, very, very well done. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Until my next review, I bid you adieu.
| Kassandra Duric chapter 12 . 6/1/2010
I don't thinks he really cares as much for Drake as she seems to. lol
And Fang is being a little rediculous but hilarious at the same time. lol
Wonder what Diago is going to do. Really I think he should ditch this Amber chick. lol Any way can't wait till the next chapter.
| Michael's Divinity chapter 11 . 2/4/2010
Hello, once again, I read your disclaimer and I must say I am sad to hear you almost deleted your story. Do not send it into the obivion. As one of your biggest fans, keep writing, please! This is a wonderful story.
About the story, Amber is an interesting character, so far... and she... is pleasant. Not. She's horrible. But she does add some intriguing personality to the hut of peoples.
Until my next review, I bid you adieu.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/31/2010
The narrator of this story will be me.
-Huh, this is kind of a stunning first line, I can't decide if I like it or don't like it, mostly because I feel although it immediately captured my interest and was kind of "Huck Finn" unique, it didn't explain who "me" was directly, and I think if you're going to have a narrator say "this is me" you need to at least give a name right away within that sentence and no later.
...know was a name that I rarely used.
-would edit: take out "that"
I suppose I would know, seeing as I am one, but I'll describe myself later.
-Again, I'm liking the unique narration but I can't put my finger on what's rubbing my reading the wrong way. It's probably just because I've never encountered a narrator so direct. I do enjoy that the narrator speaks directly to the reader though, and I like how you assume we know things too, it gives the reader the exact mind set that we need to get into the story.
-edit: need space between "esque" and "beauty"
...'sex god'to me
-edit: need space between "god" and "to"
...friendshipjust like thatby
-edit: need space between "friendship" and "just" and "that" and "by"
I of course di dbelieve
-format edit: I of course did believe.
"...beautiful girls competing for your affection,"
-because you start a new paragraph after that dialogue, you should either end it with a period or keep the "He grinned" in the same paragraph.
"...them sees me,"
-same above grammar mistake.
There was an ongoing war between the Vampires and the Werewolves.
-because you're using a plot device that's been used a million times before, I look forward to how you'll spice things up! I mean that in a positive way, because when you're writing vampire fiction (as I also do) it's hard to find a plot device that hasn't been over-used. I just hope that you don't stick too much to the cliche.
The third person who I cared...
-edit: would take out "who"
-edit: space between "nice" and "at"
I was fourteen and a half and confused that how was it, that if I was going out with the Vampire Prince...
I was trying not to give anything away-dammit!
-edit: use one exclamation point to keep a more professional look. We know there's shouting if there's only "!", no need to overdo it or it can look like a comic-book.
"I'm gay, Vi,"
The words hit...
-edit: same paragraph grammar mistake as mentioned above.
-and that sucks! Ugh, I hate it when that happens! Unique character development, I like it because it's a very out-of-the-ordinary problem!
"...hot piece of ass,"
-edit: same paragraph grammar mistake as mentioned above
-edit: needs to end in a period, not comma.
"...on your jacket,"
-edit: same paragraph grammar mistake
-edit: same paragraph grammar mistake
Overall, I think the strongest aspect of this opening chapter is the strong narrative voice, Vi has a great voice and tone and it's refreshingly headstrong. I think the biggest distraction were the obvious format mistakes. I would suggest taking the time to go back and double-check and read over again and again, to make sure that you don't miss any obvious mistakes, like forgetting to put a space between two words. These are easy things that can be fixed in less than ten minutes if given a good run through, and having not read the rest of the story yet I hope that it improves!
However, this is a strong start and your narrative voice brings something new to the tired plot of the Vampire vs. the Werewolf.
| Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 1/31/2010
It's hard to tell the plot from the first chap so I won't comment much on that. What I did notice though was that the narrative voice was very info-dumpy. Vi spent the whole time telling giving background information. Even when the narration is in first person it's sometimes useful to balance "telling" with "showing."
Another thing I saw was that little was done in the way of development in the first chap. The world building, and character development is very cursory and you seem to dive right into plot development. All I know aobut the world is that there are vampires and so far the characters all fit typical teen soap archetypes.
I found this sentence interesting: [Dracula can be put into a lot of stereotypes so I'll save you the problem of seeing him as a Transylvanian Bloodsucker each time I write his name, I'll call him The King, there, better?]
Why not dispelling all the stereotypes by explaining exactly what a vampire means in your story. If you don't create a new conception for the reader, the reader has no choice but to draw upon prior knowledge.
I wanted to thank you for the reviews so I hope this concrit is helpful. Keep writing!
| Teeko1234Greg chapter 11 . 1/30/2010
Characterization is going very well. Danny is very likable, if not a little weird.
Amber is a nice change, especially when concerned with Violet, I sense conflict there, am I correct?
| Teeko1234Greg chapter 10 . 1/30/2010
I didn't like how Violet just woke up in another place, but nevermind. Good chapter
| noname chapter 8 . 1/30/2010
WTF. That kinda needs to get sorted out. Unrealistic much?
| Noname chapter 1 . 1/30/2010
Good but confusing I mean I didn't know if you were going to carry on with the fire demon or the present, or whatever. Sort the timeline out
| JacobBlackFanGirl chapter 11 . 1/30/2010
Great chapter. Lol at Danny, Amber seems like a bitch, haha. Can't wait for the next :)
| Kassandra Duric chapter 11 . 1/28/2010
Danny seems like a weird guy. Though nothing seems to slip by in this story lol. Wander when or if Diago will ditch Amber.
| Michael's Divinity chapter 10 . 12/8/2009
I must apologize for my absence, but college can be very time consuming. This chapter was delightful, as uausal. I am, indeed, happy to see that Violet will be staying for the fight, and that Diego has come to help the West Side. I especially enjoyed Fang getting all pissy by the fact that Vi will be fighting. Keep up the extremely good work. Until my next review, I bid you adieu.
| Plej chapter 1 . 11/1/2009
Flow great. the voice of your character is strong and filled with personality.
Descriptions/Imagesawesome. I like how you describe people oh and the race thing, about friends being able to recognize friends who had on wings and contacts, weird but I totally got it.
Word Choicegood. there were a lot of imaginative events, I like when you had describes the smell of kraze on fangs jacket, along with the smoking bits.
Enjoymentenjoyed. I was not disappointed with this, glad I chose this story to review. (happy face). (hurt face) you never did reply back to me what you wanted reviewed. (cool face) but that's cool, some peeps be busy, it's all good.
SubjectVamps and Demons. WIN. It's a trendy subject now, but i have always adored vampires, well not always, just since buffy the vamp slayer has been out. so awhile now. I didn't run away, no worries.
Punctuation and GrammarGood! Yeah I only saw one mishap,
Check it "I of course di dbelieve him" [did believe]. and that's it.
Is it wierd i find this line extremely cool? "It was late October when the crispy leaves of autumn were threatening to shrivel up and die from the onset of winter." I dunno.
Reach for the stars, fighting.
| Kassandra Duric chapter 10 . 10/28/2009
Well, that was interesting. I wander when things will start moving forward with Violet and Diego. Or at least that's where it seems everything is going.