Reviews for The Legendian Chronicles: The Island
Velvet chapter 9 . 5/7/2009
Whoa. Uhm... who is Nick and what pit of hell did he come from?

I felt really bad for Roger at first, reading his inner thoughts, how they were really childish and disconnected. I can't believe he killed the dog, so that made me think he was evil, but then his thoughts just started to deteriorate from there.

And he lives in the forest? The city must be really prejudiced or something, cause not doing anything for him and his mother, that's not cool.

Oh well, at least Nick gave him a dose of intelligence, or something like that. Maybe let a demon possess him. I don't know. It's creepy while at the same time cool.

Oh, and look over the spacing in this chapter. It was a little stitchy. Anyway, glad that you updated so soon, I enjoy reading this, it's so good. I can't wait to know what happens next.

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 8 . 5/6/2009
Wtf? Okay, I'm gonna be the optimist for once and conclude that Penny only has a concealed weapon cause she wants to protect Thomas and Vance. She doesn't want them to know too much in the event that they get caught up in this whole thing and suddenly die... yeah.

I'm totally not worried that she's going to kill Jackson, or that Zack and whoever his friends are will come to possess Vance and Thomas. Tch. No way. I'm totally confident... Waah! The suspense is killing me!

Wowie, Thomas sure can get mad, huh? He broke the phone! His mom is gonna be super mad when she gets back. :P Ah, and Vance should stay on his hunch of something going on (cause I just can't keep the pessimist in me down).

Hm, well, other than that, there were a few things I need to comment on:

Try not to use "the red eyed boy" or the "the boy" too much unless absolutely necessary. We all know Thomas has red by now, so mentioning it is rather unnecessary.

["What was that about, Thomas?"] I think it was supposed to be Vance that was in question.

[The boy nodded a few times and then retreated to the couch to take a seat.] And then I'm not quite sure of this sentence. Why did he nod?

Other than that, great update. Glad you finally did, I was wondering about this story. :D

Velvet.
Ukeire chapter 8 . 5/5/2009
OH, THE SUSPENSE. MORE PLEASE! XD Haha.
TurnLoose chapter 8 . 5/5/2009
Woohoo! Finally starting to get into the swing of things.

My first impression was that the chapter was great. I loved it. It kept my interest.

Reviewing it now, I'm thinking that the scene where Vance and Penny are sweeping up the phone bits could be shortened. Actually, on third thought, it's fine. Also, pretty obvious, but the indents aren't working or the paragraph breaks, or whatever. All the text is stuck together.

Just another thought, but maybe you're keeping the reader spinning in circles too much, too? I can't say for certain since I don't know exactly what will come next, but I think it's time to get a move on. So just a pacing issue, I think. It's all very interesting, sure, but I think maybe, once the whole book is done, you could reconsider cutting some of the unnecessary bits out.

As usual, excellent suspense, and I think the character development in each chapter is strong as well. I like how you dip into each character's thoughts and the details that you say for each character ("Vance looked up from the floor to Penny and rolled his eyes. She smirked. The boy discarded the broom and instead took to placing the smaller pieces twisted up in the rug onto the dust pan by hand. He realized that the pan was pretty useless too, but didn't want to make it look like he had grabbed both the broom and pan for nothing, even if he actually had") work well so that I can get a feel for each character. Very nice. Keep it up!
Ukeire chapter 7 . 4/15/2009
Greetings from fellow club member. The Asian freshie to be exact, haha.

The story is coming out quite well. Very suspenseful. I mostly like the police investigations, since I've always been fond of "the chase" in a book with demons and misc. killings, so keep that up. Your style of writing is almost perfect for this type of story; you put the sentences in the correct order, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Gets the reader wanting to read more (ahem, cough, cough). I also find the fact that the little things count good.

Other than that, I would have to say two things: 1) there are a few grammar errors -who doesn't make them?- scattered here and there, and 2) that I, as a reader, had to search for descriptive words in order to form a proper image in my mind. The words are there, but I have to keep reading in order to get it exactly how you wanted it, I suppose. Then again, it's also good to leave the setting to the imagination of the reader. Maybe it's just me, but I'm odd like that.

U
H.T. Rajan chapter 1 . 4/13/2009
Interesting story you have here. Here are some errors I found:

The sky had long sense been covered by dark clouds

-sense should be since

each was thrown around to the whims of the water beneath.

-should be whim of the water

Winds had recently picked up, and everything not anchored to the ground was being lifted up and taken away.

-change winds to wind and make the sentence use active voice while avoiding the double be verbs (was being). e.g. "The wind had recently picked up, lifting and blowing away everything not anchored to the ground."

The entire area was now under the control of Mother Nature. The woman wasn’t in a good mood.

-I'd combine these and use active voice. e.g. "Mother Nature now controlled the entire area, and she wasn't in a good mood." You also avoid repitition of "was" (a weak be-verb) this way.

The two were staring off to the horizon, as if waiting for something.

-I'd change the first 4 words to "they stared" and the "to" after "off" to "into"

The boy on the right was tall, and built like a runner.

-don't need comma

Small bits of stubble peeked out from his face, as if he hadn’t shaved in a few days.

-Has he shaved in the past few days?

He, unlike his friend, didn’t have a single blemish on his face at all, (and) was clean-shaven.

The black-haired boy turned to his friend after a particular nasty wind pushed them both slightly off balance.

-particular should be an adv (particularly)

They aren’t going to be coming. It’s too late, as is, and this storm won’t be helping anything.

-change "be coming" to "come" and "be helping" to "help", that way you avoid be-verbs

The brown-haired boy, Thomas,

-I think it's already established that he's Thomas

You can head home Vance.

-comma before Vance

and so he used his left hand to hold it back.

-omit the "so" (not necessary)

all the children that had grown up on the island

-that should be who

One was hard pressed to find someone you didn’t know, especially considering the entire island only housed around five thousand or so people.

-you can't use "you" in that context. I'd change "someone you didn't know" to "an unknown person". also, 5k is a lot of people to be known by one person, id be pretty surprised if i knew that many o.o

A nearby car honked, and both noticed that it was being driven a familiar face.

-change "it was being driven a familiar face" to "a familiar face driving it" (eliminates passive voice and a be-verb)

Oh, I was just running an errand Daddy.

-for Daddy? unless Vance is her Daddy lmao

Allie hadn’t seemed to notice.

-had should be did

who took them and walked slipped out into the dining room.

-pick between walked and slipped out

It looks to me that your main problems are be-verb usage and passive voice. If you'd like, I'd be willing to be a beta reader to help you in those areas. I can probably manage 1 chapter/week. I think this story has great potential and could be made much better if your stylistic habits were fixed.
Velvet chapter 7 . 4/12/2009
Penny has shown herself! So that just leaves the mysterious Zack...

Aah, this chapter was very good, I felt seriously connected to the characters. Esp. when Jackson was freaking out about who to trust. It's just so much suspense!

Penny is pretty smart to know how to sew people up, huh? Maybe all her time away from the island gave her time to learn stuff like that? But the questions remain: What is she doing back? And can she be trusted?

Again, things are just getting so heated. Are there really demons roaming around, taking people over? And what about the other girl? Is she some agent of Lucifer or something? O_o Intrigue! Good work! :D
Philosopher Riven chapter 6 . 4/10/2009
I really like this story so far. It's awesome. you have your characters developing nicely and the plot so far has dragged me in. you know how and when to throw in the cliffhangers. Its just the right amount of suspense to make the story flow its really good. its also not the average fantasy story. Which is also interesting and very good. This story so far is really good. One thing i did notice is that Jackson being a criminal investigation genius came out of no where. it kinda makes thomas almost seem inferior. but that could be what you were going for and thomas might become stronger or something later down the line. Either way its definatly good and so far is befitting of your magnus opum goal. i cant wait for the next chapter.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 6 . 4/10/2009
Well, well, well, what's gonna happen when Thomas and Vance get back home? Squee! Excitement!

Aha! I knew it! One of them is going to get their eyes either stolen or used for something abruptly evil!

Aah, but my stomach gets all queasy when I think of them going home. I think, Jackson is playing them like a violin and that girl is in on it too! But I can't tell if Jackson is being sincere or if he's just tricking them. Aah!

Oh, and Flower Boy? XD That's so cute.

[I mean that in the most straight-manlike way as possible. Honest.] Mmhm. Sure, I believe you. XD jk *pats on the head* Thanks for updating another chapter so quick! :D

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 5 . 4/10/2009
O_O Why did you kill of Jackson? Not that the murder is bad, you know, it just makes things more interesting, but Jackson? Why? D:

I bet there is some sort of spirit going around, looking for eyes, but when it manifests into a human body, the body can't handle it for too long. That's my theory and I'm sticking with it. :D

But now it's got Jackson, so...hmm. Perhaps the spirit wants red eyes or something? I don't know. It's too much mystery for me! O:

["what was wrong with them for a good minute or two without caring what was wrong."] You already mentioned the latter part of this sentence. Look over it.

Good work otherwise. The plot is looking dark and twisty and I don't know what's going to happen next, it irks me. :P Aah, well, I'll wait. Hopefully without asploding. XD

Velvet.
bookleaf chapter 5 . 4/9/2009
Here is your honey, eat up.

Its great how your practicly updating every day! Good job!

On to the story, everyone is dieing... its both making me want to know more and more, with each passing minute, what on earth is happening, and very sad since I kinda grown attached to the victims in the one chapter before they die... Will there soon be someone who will live a little longer?

Man, I feel so bad for the Dectective/Mom, imagine that after working on a grusome crime scean, made more so since she knew them, and then losing both her colleage and son... and dosen't even know about it yet. The family (including Vance) is going to have a breakdown... ;.;

But well writen! Even though its sad, its a really great story so far. Keep writing!
TurnLoose chapter 4 . 4/8/2009
I really like the way you've built this story-the mystery draws the reader in and keeps them there. You obviously have some clue about what you're talking about in terms of official police business, so that suggests you really did some reading and creative thinking to piece together a realistic scene. Very cool.

As far as the writing style goes, I can't really see anything wrong with it. My one comment would be to work on word choice. I think if you used words with better connotations, your writing can take on a new layer of meaning, and in general make reading smooth. But these are really small bumps in the road. For example, "The woman laid down the water in front of him," could instead be, "The woman put down the cup in front of him."

I know. Minor stuff. But it's stuff that readers will notice, and I think anything that takes the reader's mind off the story and onto the writing itself generally isn't what any writer wants.

Also, "Looking at the photos brought back the nauseous feeling." Lots of writers make the mistake of using "nauseous" instead of "nauseated." The former word means that the man himself would make others queasy. The latter word is what you're looking for, I think.

Man, you've improved so much! Good job! The stuff I found was mostly nitpicky things that would get polished out in later drafts anyway. Even if these chapters weren't just banged out, they would be good.

Very interesting story, very good characterization, and I love how you're leading us into the meat of the story, especially since I have a pretty shrewd idea of what's coming :D Keep it up.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 4 . 4/7/2009
Uhm, intrigue much. Like for seriousness. Update. Please. What the crud is going on? Why is everyone killing each other? This is insanity!

Aah, this chapter was definitely a step up from the last chapter. OMG! And what was with Robert's torso/stomach being exploded from the inside out? I need to know. This is creepy. I can't even begin to know what's going to happen next...

Jeez, this was a good chapter. I wonder if Laura is right in her assupmtions cause I don't have a clue. Seriously stumped and I await the next chapter with baited breath. XD Excellent work.

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 3 . 4/7/2009
Hey! Huzzah, spring break...I feel envious cause mine was like, two weeks ago. :P

Anyway, nice chapter. I like how you started it off, with the description and setting the scene up to be dreary and such. Though I think you could do better on the emotion between Thomas and Vance. The action between them also seemed a bit subdued, it lacked the franticness and despair it deserved.

Although, I did like how Vance tried to keep from accepting Allie's death, how he thought it was his fault and then just saw the truth of the matter. I love revalations. :D

["but was very obviously surprised by the sudden action"] This would make more sense if you revised it to:

["but was obviously very surprised..."] You could even take out the "very" as it is unneccessary.

["Don't you dare allow yourself find yourself in the wrong"] Huh?

Otherwise, good chapter. It could do with a bit of revision, but it was nice.

Velvet.
Mar Valen chapter 2 . 4/3/2009
I really enjoyed this chapter. It feels like you managed to capture the emotions that Thomas was going through. I feel like this chapter was missing a bit of your usual imagery pizazz. Then again, maybe in this case it was a good thing to focus less of the environment and more on the situation. still, I feel that this moment is missing a symbolic cracked mug or something like that. I expect great things from you.

One thing I have issue with. You wrote that Thomas's breakdown in the kitchen only took one minute. It seemed to me that it would have taken longer than that. Not huge, and more just my opinion.

I also enjoyed the "la di freakin da" part, it kept a critical moment relatively light through humor without breaking tempo or mood. This sort of gibberish is entertaining and can be made to fit many situations. I like it.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I enjoy the way that Thomas and Vance interact with each other. Don't you dare flash forward over Vance's breakdown, or lack thereof. I want to see how they are when they are in mourning together.
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