Reviews for Innocent
Chiomi chapter 1 . 2/17/2009
I liked the story - nice plot, good pacing overall.

The first paragraph has too many adjectives. It's like you're trying to cram several paragraphs of gradual scene-making into a few sentences.

Some other extraneous adjective use - like when Charles rips off Joanna's chemise. Do we need to know it's cotton, or just that it's abruptly being torn from her?

Also, 'Bakery Man' would be more concise as 'Baker.'

Joanna's murder was a little abrupt - maybe more description of her death?

Their blood mingling and soaking the ground was nice, vivid imagery.

Some passive language on Joanna's part; not sure if that was deliberate. Like when she's writing the letter.

Also, when she's running from her encounter with Gideon, 'home' could be replaced with 'her husband's house' or 'her house,' as 'home' implies emotional attachment, which is obviously fully invested in Gideon.

The characters were nicely fleshed out, considering the length of the piece. Hope this was helpful - you did ask for criticism.
Job Cyclops chapter 1 . 2/17/2009
This was very, very intense. You built the drama well - edging up to the climax, which was carried out perfectly. Very raw and emotional, bravo.

One suggestion; imagery (especially metaphors) would work well in this kind of story too. There are vivid, beautiful descriptions - but not enough contrast.

Overall, I loved it! With a few rewrites, this could be published.