Reviews for Modified Souls
spenny chapter 3 . 4/12/2010
I liked it. I didn't notice "clunky paragraphs" or too much talking. I liked it. If we had cut out his narration or thoughts, we'd have... what, 50 words? Hey kid. Run! Let's eat. Huh. Good luck. lol anything else?

It was terribly depressing at the end, but realistic that Jin/kid had to leave. I'd really have loved if it were longer and you'd fleshed out more of the backstory. There's a lot of good stuff going on here. I like that you didn't explain some of the tech or society, with it being futuristic, you left it for us to just accept it. That's okay. I probably would have overshared, and it would've been too much.

What's Anson's purpose now? Surely he doesn't grow old and die.. or become immortal. It's all kind of aimless, which contributed to the depressing ending - so cheer me up and write another installment/sequel? :P
KelaBelle chapter 3 . 9/26/2009
Nice story. I don't normally read sci- fi but I found this peice of work intresting.
TymCon chapter 1 . 6/26/2009
I kinda dont know whaty to make of this but anyway.

I did like the storyline so far, i liked it becuase it seems unique and thought out. I did not like the sentence structure, i didnt like it becuase it seemed convoulated and just kinda clunky. I like the charaters becuase they seem really interesting!

All in all cut down the word fillers in sentences and it would be brilliant! It is brilliant but it feels kinda clunky. Sorry
Elementer chapter 1 . 6/26/2009
You are a good writer, however the main probelm I had was length. When authors have blocks that I'm supossed to believe are paragraphs it makes me lose all intrest. You know no offense but the first thing I though of when I saw the chapter was "BORING!" And to be honest I'm right while you gave a great amount of detail and the narration was superb there was really no action, no conflict...just talking...lots and lots of talking. While you have dialouge and narration downpat you need to grab people's intrest, plot twists, new characters, even a snappy chapter title would help. You're on to a good thing, but really, try to reduce chapter length, that is a huge turnoff man. If you can't do that at least break up your paragraphs.

All in all 8.9 out of 10

P.S: Serious man, that chapter length, cut it in half.
Katie Runyon chapter 2 . 6/14/2009
Nice conclusion. I was wondering how things were going to end, since taking out all of the 4ths and being healed seemed a bit easy for them to just walk away, so yours was a good way to go. Would be interesting to see a second one of these, maybe the government continuing another experiment or something. A good read, so thanks!
Katie Runyon chapter 1 . 6/14/2009
This may sound odd, but reading this, it comes through in the voice of Vin Diesel. Sorta has a bit of that Pitch Black/The Chronicles of Riddick feel I guess, so I automatically thought of him. (I liked them, so I don't consider that a dis and I hope you don't either.) I found it to be a good read and it's a pretty interesting concept that I think would make a great movie. Interested to see how the other half fares.
deefective chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
Fight For The Freebie Prize!

Hm, well firstly it was kind of hard to read this because of the chunky paragraphs. It could just be due to the way stories are shown on FP but it made me want to skim over parts here and there. On the other than though, I like the writing style you chose for this piece. Gives it a more personal feel and the point of view of the narrator is clear. Sometimes you got a bit wordy here and there but overall, an interesting read. You might want to try and break this up into maybe two chapters because it seemed pretty long and there are parts where you can cut it. Other than that, nicely done.
Uncle-Al2 chapter 1 . 2/27/2009
Thanks for an awesome story. You expressed with skill, a lot of intense emotions. I especially liked the interactions between Jin and the hero. He may not ever be a 'real' biological father, but he sure was one. I expected the child to metamorphize but not leave. Thanks for a great read.
ByYourSide chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
To be honest, this was kind of long and my attention span is kind of short. Big long paragraphs look great in books but make me want to scroll when I see them on a computer screen. Breaking this one chapter into six or twevle or even three smaller chapters would make it easier to read. :] Just so you know.

I wish there were a bit more action. I see a lot of narration, which is fine, but not a lot of dialogue and action to move it along. The interactions between the narrator and the kid were a breath of fresh, fast-paced air. I wish there'd been more speedy pacing. I'm only telling you because lots of people have told this to me about my writing. I hated being critiqued, but it's useful, so I thought I'd put in my two cents.

It's hard to get at the story when the text is so daunting. That's just my opinion. I probably would have read it closer and enjoyed it so much more deeply with smaller paragraphs, shorter chapters, and more dialogue and action to move it along.

My favorite line:

He puts down his drawing and takes a deep breath like he's about to jump into cold water. "If those people catch us, will they keep us apart?"

Short, snappy, to the point, gives a good visual without drawing it out.

Cheers and God bless!

Subsequent
Sark chapter 1 . 2/19/2009
Great work.

I have to get behind how you've worked in the setting background without distorting the flow of the story. It's just dropped in piece by piece as it becomes relevant, not all infodumped right at the start or outright ignored until after it became important. I know I harp on about doing that right in nearly every review, but to me it's one of the most common screwups people make, right up there with inconsistent tense and uneven characterisation. Doing that right puts you head and shoulders over most scifi oneshots.

The one flaw I figure this has is that (at least here on fictionpress) it might benefit more from being split into two or three chapters rather than one big file. The net doesn't have pages to turn and that really exaggerates how much writing there is, which makes it seem harder to approach than it actually is.

Other than that, the ending cries out for this to be serialised. The background here could easily be reused in other stories even with a different POV character.
StaringATAwall chapter 1 . 2/19/2009
Nice, i really did like it, honestly.

What i liked most is that you added (within your story) a bit about yourself, well... a lot about yourself (atrology and rocks and such).

I also liked the ending as it was a good

"Write about what you know". I'm sure you took full advantage of that. Well done and nicely written.