Reviews for In A Perfect World
Sakiru Yume chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Flow: This story flowed well, because the way that you used transitions from one thought to another worked really well. It felt like it was just one train of thought that flows smoothly from one thought to another.

Imagery: There wasn't much imagery in this story, but it worked. The reader couldn't see exactly what was going on, but that allowed them to come up with whatever they thought it might be.

Enjoyment: I really enjoyed this poem. It had an interesting message, and it was well written, so it really made sense.

Tone: The way that there was no real tone, where it was just kind of blank and impassive, really worked. It made it seem very clinical, which was what it needed.
words are all I have chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
This seems really deep, which it is, but then you add the humor at the end and i thought that was brilliant. I think you should make the stanzas equal in length though.
skyward squidly squee chapter 1 . 4/4/2009
Hey, it's Euro from Break Writer's Block. I lost at TBT, so here's your prize review!

I don't like the flow/rhythm in this. This doesn't flow too well, it's awkward. Especially in the second, third, and sixthe stanzas, it's rough.

And the form/structure is a bit crazy. It's like you're throwing ideas out there as they come to you. But I don't dislike that; I think I've written the same way.

Anyway, this whole poem makes me want to argue with you. :P Lol.

- Pancakes (Euro)
Kirrithian chapter 1 . 3/31/2009
It doesn't feel like a poem, just musings, and that irks me. I know you could argue that it is a freestyle poem, but it lacks even a vague sense of being, well, poetic. Even if it comes down to re wording some bits to give it more structure...

Then again, what is a poem but a muse?

Apart from that, I generally liked it: The punctuation was good, there were no obvious spelling or grammatical errors and the ending was a nice twist, and lightened the overall tone of the piece. Also, I liked the us of itallics for emphasis.

Keep writing!

FuckMeAlice chapter 1 . 3/22/2009
Review Marathon!

That last line made me really wonder... do we want a perfect world? :)

I love how you took all these things we apparently desire, and then associated them with something that we tend to turn our noses up at or laugh at. It's really thought-provoking.

I'm not sure, however, how being Amish prevents this from happening:

'In a perfect world nobody would get sick,'

This line seems a little out of place with the rest of the poem, not the least because it's slightly illogical.

IceCream-Girl chapter 1 . 3/19/2009
Hey Zion!

I really like the conept behind this piece. You make some really good points and the content really makes you think.

With the line [But without comparison, how would we know we were happy?] doesn't feel like it fits in with the rest. I seems a bit too long so I would suggest cutting it in two and having something like:

"But with no comparison,

Who knows what happiness is?"

I am no literary expert so that is probably just a personal preference thing...

I liked the repetition of _ breeds _. I would have like d to see it continue throughout the poem.

I like the simple concepts used for the most part of the poem to convey a deep though such as this.

I was a little confused with the last two stanza's. The second last stanza feels slightly out of place with the rest because the lanuage changes to being more traditional rather than the colloquial tones of the rest. The final stanza I don't really like the final line. I feel it detracts from the poem in the sense without it we are left hanging trying to imagine this "perfect" world but instead the whole thing is jolted to a stop and you sort of do a double take and go "What?". So I would say cut it, but again this couls be my preference.

Just a formatting thing, in the first stanza you need a comma after "world" also one in the final stanza.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading and it certainly has given me something to think about next time I want to complain about how terrible the world is.

I hope I haven't been too nit picky,


PS: I'll do your other review tomorrow.
totallyred chapter 1 . 3/18/2009
It's really actually telling the truth. I've always hoped for world peace... and yet... *sigh*

Anyways... I like how you explain it in such a short way, yet, give an impact to those who are reading...
Sugarloafin chapter 1 . 3/7/2009
I like how you begin with the standard "In a perfect world..." tagline, but then throw it on it's head by saying what good things also wouldn't be. I've long though the same thing about the "perfect world." A lot of our best things come from our imperfections as a species.

I don't know about the last two verses. I think I get what you're saying, but not really. They just don't seem to fit with the rest and I find it a little confusing. Overall, a very nice piece.