Reviews for Embrace
Ioga chapter 10 . 1/6/2011
Hmm, looks like I read this and then forgot to review it because I thought I wasn't done with it - but it turned out that the story was incomplete, not my reading of it. Do you suppose this story will be finished at some point, or have you given up on it?

The interactions between different species of bloodsuckers and shapeshifters are always interesting. I liked the mild gypsy feel to the wolves, and the "holes in the fabric of space" effect creating further mysteries to the world of the story.

The first chapter was a bit like wandering in a house without a map or knowing where you're headed; it set in all kinds of factoids that were never to be used again, like Melani's family setting and living arrangements.

The flow got better as the story progressed, although keeping track of all the different characters and their interrelationships was somewhat difficult at times.

Minor nitpicks: Having the entire story in bold was a bit painful to the eyes. I cutpasted the text elsewhere to be able to read it. At the first sentences of the first chapter, "Shw" - She. "And why won't Tanya allow it." should probably end in a question mark. There were some extra spaces in places: " Nathan..." and "o f him" towards the end of chapter 1.

All in all, it was a pleasant read (once I killed the boldface font anyway ;)). Thanks for this!
Mo- The Reviewer chapter 10 . 10/13/2009
Oh no!

Tristen you stupid idiot! :(

And that was totally gross how she had Arcielli's eye. What a FREAK!

PLEASE UPDATE SOON!

~Mo~
Mo- The Reviewer chapter 9 . 10/3/2009
OH NO!

Not Dahlia!

That little back-stabbing, disgusting bastard!

Gr... :(

Wait. So both Aiden and Nathaniel like Melani.

So why did she run to Aiden instead of Nathaniel when Tristan left? Does she like him more?

Well, they were destined to be together in the first place. but then Nathaniel changed her... Hm. I know she can't have both... But i think there is going to be some way Melani is going to change back to a human and go with Aiden. She is a special girl (in many ways, I am starting to think) and there has to be SOMETHING that can change her back!

Plus, I like Aiden so much better. He is so much nicer to Mel than Nathaniel is. I think the fact that Nathenial turned her without her permission is also a reason I just don't like him :/

Anywhoo... PLEASE UPDATE SOON!

~Mo~
Mo- The Reviewer chapter 8 . 10/2/2009
Woah. So... this was a confusing chapter.

Both Nathan and Aiden like Melani, right?

And then something (i have a feeling it has to do with the gate) is 'consuming' Arcielli...

Which is-?

And then their is something going on with Dahlia. She said something about rumors and morality... Which I am guessing has to do with Arcielli's vision.

But I thought Nathan can't die, being a vampire and all?

I know Belladonna couldn't.

UPDATE SOON!

~Mo~
Mo- The Reviewer chapter 1 . 10/2/2009
OMG! That is so scary!

But exciting to read :) Great chapter!

I just think Melani acts a little young for her age

~Mo~
Kalaina D. A. Lynn chapter 8 . 9/16/2009
YAY! an update cant wait for more. oh please dont kill Nathan i'll cry.
Kalaina D. A. Lynn chapter 6 . 7/29/2009
thanks for the update yay.
Kalaina D. A. Lynn chapter 5 . 6/23/2009
i love this update soon please.
Faithless Juliet chapter 5 . 6/1/2009
Great job with this, you're narration keeps getting better and better with each new chapter.

The only draw back was that it was a little confusing when discribing the backgrounds of all the characters. I got a little lost toward the center of the chapter. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
Faithless Juliet chapter 4 . 4/22/2009
WOW! What a chapter. It's not as busy as the previous one, and the detail, especially at the end of the chapter was superb.

There were a few typo's and grammatical errors, but nothing too bad.

The sex scene, I have to say, was a bit shocking. I'm not a fan of cencorship - if you want your 12 year old character loosing her vampire virginity then all the power to you. It just seemed out of charactor for the child-like Melani that you present in the first chapter, and I still don't feel like I really know Nathan, or what his intentions, be them good or bad, are toward her.

I'm entranced by this story, keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
Faithless Juliet chapter 3 . 4/19/2009
Wait, is Nathan a good guy or a bad guy? I'm honestly not really sure. The conversation that went on between Aiden, Ezekiel and Nathan was somewhat confusing. I'm not really sure what just went down, except that Melani has died, yet she lives...

Lots of dialgue in this chapter, which was great. The digression seems natural for your charactors, and that can be a hard thing for a writer to do, nice work.

You gave away a lot of backstory as well, and a lot of details that I'm sure will come into play later on in the story. Keep up the good work, and post more soon.

Much love,

Juliet.
Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 4/19/2009
Truely and intense chapter. I like where you're going with this story.

Melani (there's a typo on the second to last paragraphy "It'll all be over soon MelanIE")has been kidnapped by the reclusivly sexy neighbor boy Nathan, who in his own dangeriousness have a strange assisiation with a wild pack of wolves.

You start this chaper off with Melani's point of view, and the first paragraph or so are from her perspective, but then you switch focus and Nathan becomes the protaganist. It felt a little disjointed to suddenly see the scene through his head, rather then her's.

Two things that got kind of lost in translation: 1.) Why is Melani so drawn to this boy? She met him once, a year ago, at a party, and now his hand is covering her mouth upon sneaking into her bedchamber. What are their motivations? Maybe if you added a flashback scene about their previous encounter, or something like that, just to cement to the reader that it's natural for her to go with him of her own free will.

Also, Melani is twelve, it seems a bit awkward that Nathan is lusting after her? You mention it briefly, yet I'm kind of on the fence about it. It could work out, I suppose, I'll just have to read the story further to find out.

Please don't think that I'm trying to rewrite your story or anything, just some constructive observations. Feel free to ignore me if need be.

Can't wait for the next chapter.

Much love,

Juliet.
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 4/19/2009
So, after that last peice I had to come and check your profile out, to see if maybe I was missing something in regards to your last update.

I stumbled on this piece. It has a completely different voice to it then the last one, very childlike, and whimsical.

A young girl named Melani (with an i, not a y) lives in utter isolation with her slightly scary maid Tanya. Tanya seemed Scandinavian to me, or maybe Russian, like all good strict maids she should have an accent and wear furry hats - this is just me rambling is all.

Melani is precousious and incisive, as all protanists should be, and you create a lot of mystery about her life and the boy next door. A budding crush perhaps? We'll have to see.

Structurally you handled this well, it's not too long (which is good for fictionpress, reading endlessly long posts can be deadly sometimes) but maybe, work on the sentence layout. You begin many of them with Melani this... or Melani that... It's best to not use the same word as sentence starts too much. And, I hate to say it but there were a few typo's and grammer mistakes.

You ended with a clever little cliffhanger, I can't wait to see what happens.

Much love,

Juliet.
Coji chapter 2 . 2/26/2009
Extremely interesting. You have a very poetic way with words and I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing this.
ValerieYoung chapter 1 . 2/24/2009
1st 1 2 review hurray! anywho nice plot i like it soo far n a cliffy no! update soon or ill die of suspense! keep up da good work!

~Good luck writing!