|Reviews for Losing Your Mind|
| Left FP chapter 1 . 3/3/2009
Oh great! Does this mean I am playing too?
Nice piece of work...just like you, Beatles!
And now...you lose as well!
| Lime-Cat chapter 1 . 2/27/2009
Review number 2 for TBT! ;)
This was a pretty sweet, short piece. Anyway, I have comments (read concrit/suggestions) about grammar! :D
"It happened again today, I couldn't believe it." - While this work, I would rearrange the wording a bit to make it flow better: "I couldn't believe it. Today, it happened again." or you could switch the two sentences, whatever suits your fancy.
"Somehow I knew... but it hurt all the same." - The use of ellipses in poetry and speech is fine, but it doesn't really work here. You don't need such a dramatic pause - a comma will suffice. Suggestion: "Somehow, I knew; but it hurt all the same." If you choose to keep the ellipses, ellipses are usually only 3 dots... like that. ;)
"It always hurts, it always stings." - I think that's improper comma use! D: Try: "It always hurts; it always stings."
"There's the moment of shock when it first hits you - when they open their mouth and the syllables slip out." - I changed the semi-colon to a dash because the dash indicates a continuation of thought, which I think it more appropriate for this context. Nice imagery with the "open their mouth and the syllables slip out." :D
"Your eyes go wide and your heartbeat increases in pace." - wow. that's a mouthful to describe widened eyes and faster heartbeat. haha. The eyes part sounds ok, but I have a beef with the heartbeat portion - too wordy. My suggestion would be to say 'and your heartbeat quickens' or 'and your heart races'...if you think those phrases are a bit cliche, perhaps incorporate adrenaline in there somewhere.
"And it hits bad." - ...like in an adverse way, bad? or it hits hard? Saying something hits bad in this context is more like slang, but if that's what you're going for, that's fine. An alternative would be to describe how hard 'realization' hits. Hmm...realisation vs realization. I'm sure the spelling is supposed to be the latter unless that's the British English way of spelling realization. XD
"You can't bring yourself to believe that they could to that to you." - I feel the 'that' is unnecessary, so you may want to consider taking it out. Also, there's a typo: 'they could do that to you.' ;)
"You feel betrayed, and all the while they smirk and laugh at your misery." - whoa, so much hate. D: Anyway, the comma is in the wrong place. 'You feel betrayed and all the while, they smirk and laugh at your misery.'
"You had tried so hard to keep it here, and they took it away heartlessly." - Again, incorrect comma placement and I believe the word 'had' is unnecessary. 'You tried so hard to keep it here and they took it away heartlessly.'
"You're so disappointed in them, they said they were your friends!" - :O comma splice! Use a semi-colon in place of the comma.
"Even though you are mostly disappointed with yourself, you want to lash out, you need to lash out." - Instead of using that last comma, I would suggest having that last bit in a sentence of its own not only to make that part stand out, but also to make it grammatically correct. ;) 'Even though you are mostly disappointed with yourself, you want to lash out. You need to lash out.'
"So you swear at them, you curse at them, you give them a vicious piece of your mind." - Alrighty. You're listing so I don't think you need to restate 'you' every time. Also, to swear and to curse (in this context) means the same thing. haha. Now, if you mean to say curse them, then that's different and it will work. Like this: 'So you swear at them, curse them and you give them a vicious piece of your mind.'
"They take it in their stride though." - I get what you're trying to say, but this wording is the correct way to say it. I know there's a proper way to say this, but I don't know what it is. T_T sorry. I can tell you 'stride' means "to stand astride, to move with or as if with long steps and/or to take a very long step". So 'stride' may not be the word you're looking for...perhaps you were looking for 'pride', as in "They take it with pride though." In my opinion, that would be a fitting sentence for this context; I mean, after all, these people do sound a bit snooty.
Despite all my ranting about grammar, I did find this piece a bit obscure and a bit filled with despise/hatred...but it was pretty good. I'm curious about what The Game is...ah, hidden meanings. I hate-love them. XD
| Dominik Kiss chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
But I don't want to play! D:
Ugh. Fine. I guess if I ABSOLUTELY have to, I will. -_-
| Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
You damn bitch... that was mean :(
My only consolation is that when you get this review you will lose too.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
XD Oh gawd, you people and your silly game.
Funny little drabble/vignette/(I dont know the proper word). I really wasn't expecting this outcome haha.
| Carus chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
Hate you Beatles!
Only joking... :D
| Galadriel1010 chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
I bloody love you woman *Rofls*
Ah dear lol