|Reviews for Light Of The Earth|
| Imagination 5 chapter 1 . 3/10/2009
Nice story, Tori. Leaves a lot open and I like Mystic. Grammer not perfect, but good story.
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 3/6/2009
Typos in the summary might ward off readers.
[A anthro named Mystic has lost her memory and found herself in a field of dandelions. What is to become of her? Prolouge up!]
When the word following 'a' begins with a vowel, then 'a' should be 'an.' You have 'a' before something if it begins with a consonant, like "a snake." Prologue should be spelled like so, not 'prolouge.'
[A small fox anthro that was dark red with white hair, yellow eyes]
That is a sentence fragment. To reword what you meant:
"A small fox anthro that was dark red with white hair and yellow eyes [predicate]."
Even if it's grammatically correct, that sentence is 'telling' something. I'll show you an example of 'telling' from a website:
"I was so thrilled that I beat the football captain in a chess game that I made a fool of myself. I'll never live that down."
It's very bland and only 'tells' that he made himself look stupid.
This is showing:
""Your bulging muscles are useless against my superior intellect!" I laughed, as the vanquished football captain and the whole cafeteria stared. "I have captured your queen, and in three moves, I shall utterly destroy your king's little white plastic ass! Bwa ha ha hah!""
See, this both 'shows' the narrator's character and what happened that made him look like a fool. In short, showing is usually better than telling. I suggest Googling it for more examples and clarification to tighten your writing and make it stronger.
Also, isn't anthro an abbreviation? That's informal writing. It's better to write it out, or like I said before, show that the character is an anthro through backstory or character interaction. Also, 'small' is implied since it's a fox.
[white kimono and a strange light purple bauble on her neck with light purple fairy-like wings suddenly plummetted out of the sky into a sunny green field filled with dandelions.]
Why is 'white' not capitalized? It's a new sentence, after a period, so should the 'w' should be capitalized.
Strange is telling. By describing the purple bauble well enough, the reader should assume it is strange without you telling it so.
Also, you reused the adjective purple too soon. It might be better if, after your description of the bauble (and not using the word 'purple'), then use that word. Read it over again: 'light purple bauble on her neck with light purple fairy-like wings [...].' Doesn't the repetition of 'light purple' sound redundant to you?
Your descriptions aren't very fanciful or polished; it could narrow down to a cause of that being that you're showing. While telling can be useful, it's good to know when it's not.
'Suddenly' is an adverb. Adverbs modify verbs and other modifiers. I advise against adverbs. It's not against any rule of grammar or English, but does your prose (writing) no good. It's bad writing, despite its use by authors. Usually, they're not needed and clog a sentence. They're also telling. For example, "She hit him forcefully." That's both unspecific and insipid. Just by changing the verb adverb combo: "She struck his face." Struck suggests both 'hit' and 'forcefully.' Overall, try to limit or terminate adverb use, particularly 'suddenly'; most times, it's unneeded.
'Sunny green field', is, once again, telling. Also, you aren't spending much time for setting the background. That's the only description you've set down; a setting description can create a mood for the story early on. It's also a very unoriginal line. The reader isn't transported into your world.
That doesn't necessarily need to be in italics. I say this because many people don't like it when it's not necessary. I suggest only using three periods in a row to make ellipses. Also, 'urgh' should be capitalized 'u', and then comma after happened.
["Man...what happened?" she asked outloud to herself .]
Seeing as the speech is in double quotations, yes, she did say that out loud to herself. That is very redundant, the line would be better off without the last three words. Also, why is there a space between herself and the period? Period goes right after the last word of the sentence.
[Looking around she sighed and stood up.]
Comma after around, I think.
[She looked around]
Why did you repeat that fact again? I suggest that this can go.
["...It's pretty here...but...what am I doing here...?" ]
Don't use ellipses where they are not needed. Particularly there at the beginning and end.
That is an action after the dialogue, so 'she' should be capitalized.
[That WAS a good question.
Italics, not caps, is generally recommended in narration.
[Where ha she been going?]
Typo. It should be 'has.'
I'll cut short and say you should proofread it a bit more.
| FuckMeAlice chapter 1 . 3/6/2009
First of all, I don't like prologues. They're choppy and generall unneeded. If you feel hat there's necessary information in your prologue, then just go ahead and make it chapter one. That way it doesn't mess with the continuity as much.
Also, you should probably use spellcheck before you post. There were loads of typoes in this chapter, and it annoys people to no end.
I really liked your dialogue. I liked it because it's not fake. I can't stand fake dialogue. It just puts me off. Your dialogue was very natural and flowed well.