|Reviews for Spit In The Wind|
| Charactarantula chapter 1 . 8/6/2009
This review was for my end of our Black Market deal.
Amazing how something as simple as smoking a cigarette can spark a full analysis of a person's life. Almost immediately I felt the connection with the woman, her entire life meaningless without her lungs full of smoke. Of course, I don't smoke, but addiction's addiction, whatever it may be. Feeling alive only when doing that one thing. I understand and can empathize with that. You didn't need to put much detail into anything, because I put my own scenery in place, and, for some odd reason, I never saw the woman's face in my mind. Just the lips with the cigarette. I don't know whether or not that was intentional, but damn was it a powerful image in my mind. :P
I had to re-read a couple of lines, and I'm not sure if that's just because I hate paragraphs (hence why my writing is constantly being broken into individual lines) or if it's because it's late, but it's just something worth noting. I'm not used to getting such an in-depth look at a character without it being first person. Very entertaining.
Pretty depressing piece, I must say. The repetition of the first line to the last line was extremely powerful, and made the piece what it was for sure.
There wasn't really a part that I disliked. It was short and to the point. The message you were making was clear without being forceful, while still remaining powerful. You get my props for this.
Best line in the whole story- "But this was her constant. Her only anchor to control."
I don't know what else to say. I majorly enjoyed this. The piece speaks for itself. No spelling or grammar errors. Makes me want to read more of your work. I probably will. :D
| Danielle Gin chapter 1 . 7/23/2009
This was a really nice piece! You captured the addiction pretty well, showing that she wanted it and also others perceptions on it. I think that if it was longer, it could have been a really nice short story. Right now it's just that one single feeling with no plot. But as it is, it's still pretty nice. Good work!
| words are all I have chapter 1 . 7/21/2009
I like the way so much happens in such a short time, yet then it seems a longer time. It really keeps you wondering and reading.I love the way you made it all about the cigarette. It is really easy to relate even though i have nothing to relate to, as i never have and never will smoke. But it is so believable. It is a very well described scene. Well done.
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
That was a subtle but nice way to establish the setting (a store) with the word "counter." It hooks the reader and sets the conflict as well, "I'm gonna quit one day."
[“I’m gonna quit one day, you’ll see.” She tells the man at the counter.]
That is a dialogue tag. The period after "see" should be a comma, and then she wouldn't be capitalized.
[No one believed in her anymore.]
I'm not sure, but since this is in present tense, shouldn't that be "believes?"
[“As usual,” She thinks and laughs to herself. “Always sticking things into your mouth.”]
She shouldn't be capitalized, as thoughts are punctuated the same way as dialogue.
Apparently another reviewer has already pointed this out, too...
[“Pshh.” She murmurs]
Dialogue tag. Should be a comma after "pshh" and then she wouldn't be capitalized.
[suddenly noticing that she had walked]
Shouldn't that be "has" walked, since this is in present tense? It's not referencing the past in this case, either.
“I’m gonna quit one day, you’ll see...”]
Murmurs is still a tagline. The period after it should be a comma.
[She lifts the cigarette in the air, waving back, just as they disappear around the corner.]
I could picture that happening.
Throughout the piece, you seemed to have concentrated the bigger paragraph chunks on the parts of her smoking; emphasis, perhaps?
I thought the dialogue was realistic; for example: “You can’t go around dancing with the flames; it’ll roll you up and smoke you.” '“Come on, sweetie, let’s go now.”' After all, no one wants to be around a smoker.
I thought the characterization of the MC was well done. Very human. There was that paragraph, after she smoked, where she reflected on her rather miserable life, not knowing it was the effect of the cigarettes. "She smiles. Lung cancer, emphysema, heart attacks?" Her reaction to criticism of smoking is realistic as well; they never do listen. I liked her continuous resolve to quit smoking, though I think it won't happen, you can still root for her character.
I liked how it rounded back to the beginning.
| karma-dollie chapter 1 . 4/14/2009
Congrats on a good guess for April Fools! :)
Wow. I've never had so many thoughts going through my head while reading about someone smoking before. For such a simple (and disgusting) thing, you paint such a beautiful picture of it. I think it hits home even harder since I know people who actually feel this way and keep saying, "I'm gonna quit." The way you describe her enjoying the cigarette and ignoring those around her is lovely. I had to laugh a little at the imagery of smoke going down her spine to reach her lungs. Maybe not the best wording, but it was beautiful all the same.
Did she really go through an entire pack in one sitting? I'm not a smoker so I don't know how realistic that is. It seems a bit unbelievable to me. Also, the only typo that stood out was when you wrote "'As usual,' She thinks and laughs to herself." "She" should have a lowercase "s," I think.
I loved the part with the little boy. It was subtle, but touching. His simple life to her estranged life. (Yeah, I can see poetic ideas too. :P) But I like how the mother was pulling him away and no one else passed her by. Because who wants to walk near a smoker? I avoid it as much as I can, but it just makes her look even more estranged in her crazy life.
This was beautifully written! Well done!
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 3/19/2009
i thought that this was a very interesting and well written story. it had a great message without throwing it into the reader's face. i really liked the repetition of "i'm gonna quit"
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 3/10/2009
That was oddly haunting. The woman and the way the cigarette makes her feel seem real-I like your description, it's detailed and interesting, but I'd break up some of the thicker paragraphs to make them easier on the eyes. I skimmed a bit on the second and fifth paragraphs, and the one directly under the line break at the end.
I liked the end, with the little boy, and the woman's "resolve" to quit. I'm even rooting for her, that she does quit. She has me liking her as a character and I don't even know why.
Overall, it was bueno. The story made a nice little loop around at the end, and that was cool. :]
| Samuel Harrisson chapter 1 . 3/10/2009
I really liked the ending, the repeat of her promise was a great way to end it. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy this extremely, but then again, your style of writing is quite interesting. Only one mistake I saw: as he smiles and nods, a “yeah, right” in his eyes.' Now this is correct but it just doesn't flow well. A good option might be "He smiles and nods but a look spreads across his face, questioning her promise."
Have a great night!