|Reviews for My Lady|
| Frosthold chapter 1 . 6/5/2009
This was quite interesting! Its been a while since i've read anything on fp, so congrats on being my first read since my mini hiatus is up. lol. Anywho, down to business:
You seem to use a good amount of poetic devices in here. Allow me to pick some out for you, not like you don't already know ) So nice alliteration with "sordid squalor" and "wistful wishes." There is some interesting contrast in the line "Tatters, no, Tassels" since tassels usually are found in rich abodes, vice versa for tatters. Also I am wondering why these are both capitalized. Something important? There's internal rhyme in the phrase "Your bane; so often my gain" as bane and gain rhyme. Then there is the parasite motif, which I like quite a lot actually, especially the use of the word saccharine, which (after I looked it up XD ) made me think that doubt was going to eat this person alive. But the narrator also talks about what will happen when/if the person overcomes doubt, how that will make them powerful enough to conquer the world. I am also wondering who this narrator is, the creator of the lady doubt. All in all, it is quite intriguing.
Please let me know how that competition went! I hope this won because I definitely enjoyed it, though I'm not sure how much I was able to interpret. I really want to know how you came up with this too.
| Fleur-de-lis Evans chapter 1 . 5/20/2009
What is good: The word choice is impecable. Not a word is out of place or seems to need revising.
I like the line "I smile, though my heart is clutched by fear."
- It's a strong line and the emotions can truly be felt.
Also the "Abides in sordid squalor.." nice alliteration. It's quite an image.
Be careful with punctuation and capitalization. It means something different in poetry. (For example Emily Dickinson uses captialization, look at some of her stuff to see how she uses it).
Also, are you personifying doubt? If so make her more vivid, maybe an out-of-place eye color or something.
Also pick a sentence length and only vary it when you absolutely have to.