Reviews for perseverance
diffident chapter 1 . 4/14/2009
Brilliant poem. I love the subtle rhetorical turn in the lines "must be in the coffee / must become that coffee." One thing I would suggest is to be more consistent in your punctuation-periods in particular. I'd put one at the end of the ninth line and at last line. But I love your use of dashes, like a modern Emily Dickinson. Maybe put another one at the end of the fifth line.

I have to favorite this because I'm going away to a university in Chicago in August and I've been anticipating this sort of feeling. I love love love "there is no such thing as the real world"-I lost those delusions long ago and it's such a truism. Again, I love this.

marie
simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 3/21/2009
"there is no such as the real world"... that line felt like it was missing a word. Maybe "no such thing"?

"it’s a myth that grown-ups make up"... I don't think you need the word that. It seems a tad wordy. Also, maybe create would be a better choice than made up? Just less slangy.

There's only one tooth fairy that I know of, so I would just say tooth fairy, not tooth fairies.

I really like the piece. Your descriptions in the first two stanzas are really great and make a great point. I also think you used punctuation well in those parts. That last stanza was good as well, it made a great point.

PS If you're bored this weekend, check out the Review Game and/or its Review Marathon (links in my profile)
Manuel Fajar chapter 1 . 3/15/2009
O,—they drink black coffee down in Cuba,

Though there's no lack of socialism,

It's more a gay conversational spark,

Lubricating words to flow wittily.

But once they had carnival before Lent.

A sure knowledge that repentance & ash

Must come, made everyone put on false masks,—

Some with gaiety,—others piety.

There's virgins and whores ; angels and demons ;

There's monsters, and even long-drawn dragons ;

There's revelry, there's love and there's murder,—

There's everything condensed in a few days.

So Thespians let's be, and pick our true rôles,

For acting's the way to make destiny,—

Our plot and our life in our little time :

What other choice but carnival full live ?