Reviews for Manhattan Masquerade
bookworm1100708 chapter 45 . 1/8/2011
what can i say? WOW! i just finished reading it and i was amazed. This is probably the best story i've read on fictionpress and i am really impressed. I couldn't stop reading and i stayed up late many night to finish the chapter, or read just one more. I can't wait for the next adventure
Alix Cohen chapter 45 . 1/2/2011
It's great to see you again. I've been on vacation without Internet...but I'm not /so/ glad to see you that I'll overlook the awkward moments in the dialogue ;)

"As witnessed by the fact that"

"Claiming as the wisest decision"-do you mean "claiming was..."?

"As soon as Remora's hired dupes would have shown their hand"-I'd say "showed their hand"

"Interpreter" is more "official" than "translator"

Does Perlman wonder aloud? That would be the most awkward moment so far.

"pre-Jessica era" is an odd phrase.

"new women...make Joe and I..." You did it AGAIN.

There are others, but I'm going to run out of characters. ;)

Interesting that Jessica still doubts Galen briefly...

California and Colorado. lol...and I love the Kandinsky accent.

...why does Jessica read the letter?


oh my G-d. That last section of the chapter-I think it belongs at the beginning of the next book. Who's the mother, and what happens when Jessica finds out?

wow. Have you started writing the next one yet?
Vanessa Ravencroft chapter 1 . 12/29/2010
Wow.. is all I can say. That's right up there with Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlowe and John Huston. It has grit and dirt and smell. In other words writing at its finest. When you can smell a story, not only see it, written words become a mind movie experience that takes us into another world.

Great writing!
noncynic chapter 45 . 12/28/2010
Nice wrap-up, and a heck of a finishing tease. And no, I am definitely NOT insulted, that's a compliment from my viewpoint. This was an outstanding story, even when I was frustrated with it. If I were to try something like this, I'd obsess over every historical detail to the point of madness(and probably beyond!) Good Read.
sophiesix chapter 45 . 12/27/2010
OH MY GOD that last line is an absolute killer.


I am So Glad they are off on another adventure, i was really dreading this finishing up... though their foe in the next one sounds suitably fraught and twisted :D E-e-e-excellent.

Excellent wind up here two. I feel very satisifed: threads i'd even forgotten about have been tied in a very easy to understand manner :D cheers! oh man though when perlman got that letter... but i'm getting ahead of myself.

“the rippling brown muscles beneath. Oh, yes!” lmfao

“But Mr. Astor actually does owns this building." Own?

“should be able to take on another criminal mastermind in a day or two."” heh heh heh

“"Your self-restraint is what we all love best about you, princess."” by god i love these two. Mr Unemployed Pilot is fun, what with his rippley browness and all, but these two are the goods. teh one good thing about Betty not being around is that Perlman isn't all doe eyed and can deliver lines like that!

“the detective stared at the front of the sealed envelope for several seconds” oh! Oh no! you bastard!

“"Keep reading already!" roared Perlman.” Frikkin aye! Tell her, Joe!

ah Betty. What can I say. Of course you're not going to roll over and settle into regular NY private detective work. you've got to go and save the world with your soon to be ex black sheep. Luv ya.

Of course, I can't see teh others just sitting around teh agency (or Maine for that matter) waiting for her call (or smoke signal... or whatever) speaking of which, Maine sounded great! I hope they still get that :)

THanks so much for an awesome read, its been a blast. These characters leapt off teh computer screen long ago and haunt my images of 1930's NY: i can't imagine it existed without them. Hope the break you're taking isn't too too long, and we get a taste of LOTFG soon!

oh, poor mountains ;) Cheers!
Laura Crossing chapter 44 . 12/16/2010
Amazing! Absolutely one of your very best chapters ever.
noncynic chapter 44 . 12/16/2010
And happy WND to you as well. What would a pulp-based story with a two-fisted, two-gunned detective be without an autogyro?:) Though in the great cliffhanger tradition, he took his sweet time finding it!

Nice exit from the cliffie, you probably wouldn't be at all surprised that I guessed who'd be Slaughter's savior(Who couldn't,lol)

As long as the boys and girls can prove Rancourt was the chief baddie to some official doubting Thomas', things should work out fine.

Great Read.
sophiesix chapter 44 . 12/14/2010
Go Jess! You show him :) Love that its her coming to teh rescue. Awesome chapter. But methinks best savoured as two for full savouring-ability? you seem to have two distinct story-waves here, and a natural cut off point half way?

"Dammit, why are the fellas always trying to get away from me?" heh heh heh go Jess.

"But I'm the only one who betrays people," Personally, i love that, nice counterpoint of levity andillustrates his character nicely.

So LT knew that was gonna happen? I get that he'd be angry at Jess and even angry enough to kill her, but didn't really get teh feel that he was upset enough by it all to do that?

“I'll take six, please." heh heh heh go Jess!

Aw, again, you had me scared for a goodly time there, but nice way to have them make there declarations ;) and I love that they found a way out :D AWEsomeness. So sad that there's only one more chapter to go! D:
Alix Cohen chapter 44 . 12/13/2010
Finally! My turn. :)

Hyphenate "three hundred pound", "one hundred foot", and "awe inspiring"; "bandsaw" is one word, and I have only ever seen "tarpaper" as one word, but that was in the Little House books, so I'm not certain it's right.

"making sounds of frustration"? I think that's extra.

["Uh uh, boyfriend," she was saying as Rancourt was dragged back to the two detectives by one ear. "I want you right here by my side."] What is with this? It doesn't sound like Jessica.

"Say us. He and I." I'd put 'us' in another layer of quotes, and AGAIN, it's "him and me." This is the third time you've done this, and it sounds no less awkward this time. And later, "for Galen and I." Jessica is more educated than this.

"my father's father"-Jessica would say "grandfather." Right?

"...Slaughter was told." Who told him? This is why grammar sticklers don't like passive voice. This time, I agree with them.

"But I'm the only one who betrays people..." Funny...but is this the place for it? I'll let you defend this one :)

"Unclean" is ambiguous.

I am enjoying the love-amid-disaster moment. Nothing to say about that. Altho I have to ask whether she is in fact wearing anything under that shirt.

THEY'RE ALIVE! Thank you! Thank you! I eagerly await the close of your most excellent epic. (Which, I feel the need to remind you, I wouldn't tear apart like this if I didn't think it was worth it.)
sophiesix chapter 43 . 12/12/2010
Ooh, part 1! Yay! I was afraid this might be the end… actually at several places throughout I had the same fear, for Galen! Love the intricacies of the slaughterhouse with the bone room and the smoke room and so on. They would be lovely settings to linger in, say, whilst chasing down lin tyler or fericul II. teh snowy roogtop with teh fires of hell beneath is awesome too ;). The other rooms are also nice places to wind up the tension, just feels a shame to be able to linger there longer and admire them :) Speaking of which there’s a couple of places where the wording could be altered to flow a bit more smoothly. Exhibit A:

“Galen Slaughter had to quickly move beyond the opening because there were smoldering chunks of wood scattered across the floor and he was barefoot.” The because feels like a bit of a tell. Consider letting the story do the telling for you, ie something like:

‘Smoldering chunks of wood scattered across the floor. Barefoot, Galen Slaughter quickly moved beyond the opening.’ Or “Barefoot, Galen Slaughter slipped beyond the smoldering chunks of wood scattered across the floor.” Or something?

“makeshift scarf over his nose and mouth.” Makeshift mask?

Watch out for run on sentences, e.g. “By now a sheen of perspiration had replaced the milk splashed over him in the escape from the guns of the Combination and the detective had to twice wipe moist palms on his trousers before starting to clamber up the warm metal links.”

“there came a series of sounds like a cannon ball careening down a cobblestone well.” Important moment that sort of got lost a bit in the narrative: it should stand out more. Consider described slaughter listening the booming as it goes through the floors below or something?

“Tyler's speed seemed to accelerate rapidly however and it took three attempts to successfully grab hold of the man's wrist.” This is my favourite one :) It’s one awesome moment, but it reads like someone is recounting it from twenty years in the future from the comfort of an armchair. Shove the reader on that roof, into that cable hold. For e.g. try to rewrite this without passive voice or any words of three syllables or over, like if one of the crims was sayin’ it. It needs to read fast, because it’s a fast, tense moment, yeah?

The cable yanked. Tyler hit the shingles and skidded towards the breach. Slaughter bolted forward. The cable whipped Tyler along faster and faster; three tries, and then Slaughter’s fingers locked around his wrist. At once, Slaughter jerked forward, his bare heels slithering along the surface of the rain-soaked roof almost as fast… well, you get the idea :) the slower pace is fine for when he’s stalking through the building, but for the climax, I just think it needs to pick up in the narrative voice as well as in the actions?

“Now you realize how little time we have here” heh heh I adore the little asides, perfect counterpoint.” Or we could just flag down a passing dirigible.” Heh heh heh…

Uh oh, he’s after Jessie. That ain’t gonna fly. Bastard! You gotta kill him now, Slaughter! Part two please!
Laura Crossing chapter 43 . 12/2/2010
Exciting! But how are you going to get Galen out of this one?
noncynic chapter 43 . 11/30/2010
Nice cliffie, there. I have to admit I suspected Rancourt, but had no reason to do so that I can reason out. Tyler had me confused, though, I thought maybe he was a patsy. And in a way, he was. Good Read, can't wait to see who gets Slaughter out of this mess.(Yes, I said who, I'm making a commitment there.)
Alix Cohen chapter 43 . 11/29/2010
Is it a platform or a walkway?

"But conversely"..."Conversely" is unnecessary here.

Six metal boxes COMMA each about ten feet square.

When you add a parenthetical, be careful what's around it. "he'd...would" is awkward. "Immediate vicinity" is also awkward, but less jarring.

When has Galen ever shot a cannonball down a cobblestone well? At an angle at which it would careen, no less.

TYLER? No way. He was just an old guy with a grudge! The corrupt cop surprises me less, given the context. But why did he make himself the devil?

blood COMMA not melted snow COMMA that caused the gleam.

"the old the divide and conquer game" has an extra word in it.

I think it's "bold-faced" liar, but I could be wrong.

"deadweight" or "dead-weight" not "dead weight".

"sell his soul"...I'd call that graveyard humor.

Endurance medal? I'm flattered...see you sometime next month, then? (and PLEASE don't kill Galen. It would ruin Jessica as a character.)
Alix Cohen chapter 42 . 11/29/2010
The boss's niece. Not the bosses'. Trans-Global has only one boss, am I right?

I'd hyphenate good-sized.

Corrupt officers or corrupted?

Is Dosvidanya two words? I've only ever seen it as one before...

"deliberation, hesitation" Redundant. "Deliberation" by itself does the job.

"in a raised voice" aloud. Again, just me, but it's less purple. Also, "high state of confusion."

"Perlman dived [dove?] into the melee as well, although his preferred tactic..." Is "although" what you mean to say?

"by the metal flail, fell back in panic" has an extraneous comma. Yes, it feels breathless, but there's no place for a breath.

" a mantra" Redundant again.

"More like the start of a second World War..." You have no idea, Galen.

Hyphenate "chain link"
Alix Cohen chapter 41 . 11/29/2010
Remora affected surprise, he didn't effect it.

I like what you did with Sophia's accent in this chapter.
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