|Reviews for A Slip In Time|
| jquackers chapter 7 . 6/30/2010
The period should be in the parentheses. "shower."
Hmm, so both Ben and Cole know her name.. or maybe someone else mentioned it and I forgot. o_O
AHH, you kept me on the edge of my seat as Ben was going to break open the window. But they both still died in the end. T_T
I'm wondering.. If she doesn't answer the phone, what'll happen? Like, if she dies before she gets to the phone.
| jquackers chapter 6 . 5/21/2010
"...but it felt nothing but empty space." "Hands" is plural, so "it" should be plural, too: "they."
"I ended up rolling down a small mound of dead flesh; falling to a painful stop on the ground." You can only use a semicolon when you're connecting two INDEPENDENT clauses. In this case, the second part (starting with "falling") is, obviously, not an independent clause. I forgot the name of this type of sentence structure, but you use a comma instead.
Damn, she's one lucky girl. -_- Ben did that on purpose, right?
"Ben's eyes flashed with a brief response and then dulled." It seems like he does at least sort of remember her. Why else would he save her, anyway? And he just ignored the question, telling her to shut up. Hmm, you're plotting something, huh?
"Rita cried gently as she wiped her nose, trying to feign brave." First, it should be "...trying to feign bravery." Second, I think it would make more sense to say, "Rita cried gently, but wiped her nose, trying to be brave (I would use "strong," though)."
"Everything was rushed, they shoved us into the shower..." Run-on sentence. This is an example where you should use a semicolon, since the two clauses are independent clauses, and therefore can't be combined using a comma, unless you add a conjunction in.
Another run-on sentence: "I felt strangely out of place, before this I had nothing, so I couldn't relate to other victims." I have enough faith in you to know you can correct that on your own (if you even choose to go back and make the changes)..
"'Everybody gather!' A soldier ordered to us." First, the "A" should be lowercased, because there would technically be a comma after "gathered" so "a soldier..." would still be a part of the sentence. Second, the "to" shouldn't be there. It's just "ordered us."
"We turned hesitantly and stared frightened at the monsters." It should be, "...and stared, frightened by the monsters." This is like one of the other mistakes I pointed out.
"If you want to live, you will obey, if you don't, simply object." Use a semicolon instead of a comma to separate the two choices.
"...and bury their own people that have been..." It should be "who," not "that." Think of it like this: when you talk about people, you normally think, (example) "Who was slaughtered?" but NOT "What was slaughtered?"
"I marched forward, towards the gigantic pillar of smoke. My hands trembling at my side." Yeah, second part isn't a sentence. Just combine the two with a comma.
"He had deranged hair and his eyes were dull; lifeless." Use a comma instead.
Oh, I like that tie between different time periods, Emily in both the Titanic segment, and this Holocaust segment. It really makes the deaths more dramatic and emotional.
I find it sort of amusing that she wondered what type of gun that guard was holding. To think she would even be ABLE to wonder that sort of thing in such a grave situation.
LKSDfjaldfjlak. Kindchia, Kindchia. I gave up with typing out all these mistakes at that page break. I'm sure over half of them would vanish if you just reread your stories. I mean, how can you not, you know? Come on. You want to be a better writer; all you have to do is start working toward it.
And I know you despise it when I point out your mistakes, but if I don't, who will, and when will you ever learn and correct them? When will you ever develop your skills as a writer? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I know you want to become better, and goddamn it, I want you to work harder.
But onto the happier notes.. LKAJSDF. There's so much suspense. I mean, every moment, I'm wonder when Ben will die, or something along those lines.
| Val Koenen chapter 2 . 5/19/2010
Hi there. It is your friend Night Falcon here again. I forgot that I didn't write a review for this chapter yet, so here I go.
Well, the reactions and emotions that you display from all of the characters in the opening scene is used very effectively. I feel like you introduce the new setting and characters very well. I also am very amused that you took the time to think about how people back in the early 1900's actually speak compared to now. It shows your creation of good voice acting and dialogue script.
I wonder why Ben was found in this time period though. Is it really just his great grandfather or someone related to him? Well, I look forward to the struggles that you are going to lead Grace though, and look forward to reading more. Take care.
| Val Koenen chapter 1 . 5/15/2010
Well, well. For a girl who says that she writes crappy stories, I beg to differ. I actually find this plot to be one of the most interesting concepts that I have come across on this site. It makes me envious of you. Seriously, I which I thought up a storyline this good first. Anyway, I am just going to give you a lengthy review (if you don't mind) on this first chapter alone, but hopefully I will have reviews done for all of your chapters as the week continues on.
First off, I absolutely love how you make out the personality of the characters. You are able to execute this well through the dialogue that you present with each and every character. For instance, you make out Grace to be very emotional to Ben and truly do express her feelings when Cole and his buddies supposely kill off Ben. Another example is Cole himself. The way you make him yell and express the anger in his voice is truly comparable to that of a juvenile delinquent. In other words, you make out their personalities very well to the point where I can easily put an "image" on every single one of these characters. Do you understand where I am coming from?
As for as certain "flaws" that I might have in the story, I can't say that I truly do have any yet. They are more like questions in my head that I hope you can answer appropriately. I don't really understand how Grace supposely went back in time, but if I had to guess, it has to do something with the cell phone. I would also love to know exactly why Ben was angry at Cole in the first place and I am hoping to getting an answer about that as the story progresses on.
Well, be thankful that you have a reviewer like myself that is willing to not only read, but "analyze" your story as well. That is what I do with my reviews, I break down the strong and weaker points of every chapter. I will hopeful have more reviews coming your way as the week passes on. In the meantime, if you have the chance to do so, then check out my story that I am currently updating on this site entitled "No Escape Till San Jose". I don't plan on putting that story on hiatus anytime soon, so you are going to see that story update frequently in the Thriller Section. Thanks and have a good weekend.
| Zoyzoybaloy chapter 5 . 5/15/2010
I love this, especially since its so different. :)
| jquackers chapter 5 . 5/15/2010
I HATE YOU. You better write faster. T_T Stupid.
| Sophia chapter 4 . 10/24/2009
I love ur story i cant wait to see where she goes next:)
| Daphne Sixpence chapter 3 . 5/26/2009
this is awesome! I am sad that this is all you have written! I really want to find out what happens next!
| Daphne Sixpence chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
oh very intriguing and an original plot is SO refreshing! hope to read what happens next!
| jquackers chapter 3 . 5/16/2009
'brother really loved you' o_O Rita remembers her, as in from her ACTUAL life? O_O.
Eh.. It's.. spooky how Rita is all yeah. o_o. Is she going to be that messenger each time? THe one who KNOWS this is all happening?
That was a nice jump and catch though. LOL.
Thanks for the update. :D
| PinkPunches chapter 3 . 5/13/2009
Fabulous! Keep it up! I love it!
| Spunkalovely chapter 2 . 4/9/2009
Ahh! I love it! Poor Grace, I feel bad for her. But awesome story! I can't wait for the next update!
| jquackers chapter 2 . 4/4/2009
Interesting chapter. I like this Emily person. xP
Wondering what the call was about. O.o
Minor problems with commas (same thing as before).
| Iamsosorrytojquackers chapter 1 . 3/24/2009
This was really unique, and I loved how you tied the "Titanic" to the plot and you left a great cliffhanger!
| pyamauchi chapter 1 . 3/23/2009
What a unique plot! I'm loving it so far, and I love how your writing is so easy to read! No rush or anything but MORE PLEASE! ;)