this was interesting:) im not usually into the blood sucking thing but ever since my cousin basically forced me to read Twilight (which i adore by the way) i have actually opened up to the blood sucking fantasy and supernatural stuff. A few mistakes, here and there. (dont worry i do .) keep updating!

babyk2278

Also, very good chapter, BUT:

LOTS OF RUN ON SENTENCES, GRAMMATICAL ISSUES AND WORDS.

Untighten can be changed to loosen...flows better

The dialouge is a little awkward but its ok

Its really short(dats ok too)

But i think this was overall a good chapter and looking forward to more

Ok good start but there are a few grammar issues

1. you may want to quote or italisize you thoughts to make it a bit easier for the reader

mas are your friend

Ex. Before, I could take action she stepped into the shower shutting the curtain blocking my view.

It flows easier as below:

Before I could take action, she stepped into the shower, shutting the curtain, blocking my view.

The last comma is optional

is not a word.

It is oblivious.

Oblivious is the opposite of obvious.

Now that the negative are done i just want to say great start and great details.