|Reviews for The World in Play: Chapter 1: Ann in San Francisco|
| Arethusa Cyberia chapter 1 . 1/23
I must say, I am intrigued AND enchanted. :) I love both Martin and Ann. This is the type of storytelling that I do, only my fantasy is not completely urban. And I love that you are not discouraged by the dwindling actual readers out there in the world that I have sadly noticed and has depressed me on more than one occasion as a writer who wishes to publish something literary rather than cheap and popular. I constantly dread thinking that I must "dumb down" my storytelling to satisfy those who cannot differentiate between "quit, quite, and quiet" and ask me what "substitute" means. :(
The quality of your research is evident, and adds much depth. Excellent. I also like your use of the word "ported." Currently, my characters transport rather than teleport (can you tell I'm a Trekkie?), but shortening either to "port" is delightfully interesting.
Please check this sentence: Friday, 26 April had beenthe feast day of Saint Cletus, pope and martyr, and Saturday, today, was the feast day of Saint Anastasius, pope and martyr, but neither day called for elaborate celebrations. (I've included the reason why. You'll see it.)
Also, some of Martin's interior thoughts have quotation marks.
And is this the correct spelling? "Jan vanderWitt."
| LKH Author chapter 1 . 7/17/2012
"I had to scroll around all over the place." Yes, the new system is not as convenient as the former separate review window, where you could click one or the other to read or review. I tend to open an new file in my writing program while keeping the current story on the web -not perfect, but workable.
Thank you for catching the 'live or death' bit.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 7/17/2012
I really like this. You have a descriptive, well-balanced writing style which makes it easy and enjoyable to read.
I have a few suggestions :)
Firstly, this is very long. It makes reviewing it quite difficult because I had to scroll around all over the place. And I lost my place when the computer crashed. Splitting it up might be useful.
A few specific issues in the text:
Loft conversions and new, semi-shoddy buildings tucked in anywhere there was room, along with rows of BMWs and Mercedes cluttering the alleys, were changing the face of SOMA. [Bit confusing. Perhaps cut down on the length of this sentence?]
He passed an alleyway and automatically checked it out: ... [This event begins very abruptly. Some extra description here might be helpful.]
matter of live or death [life?]
"Ah," Ann said. "I see. Well, some water, not elemental water necessarily, doesn't mind being contained."
A girl, screaming.
"Oh. Why?" [This is a bit confusing- at first I didn't realize what was the elemental's speech.]
She managed a very small magic — one involving only minor treasure and a very limited area — as she started walking east towards Gilroy. She hadn't bothered taking mundane supplies when she left her home... [This description of her journey home seems a bit disjointed and not really necessary]
"So what's up?" Martin curbed his first impulse to complain: ... [This section of dialogue is confusing- who is talking?]
All in all, I really enjoyed reading this. You've constructed an interesting world that I want to read more about.
| LynnAuthor chapter 1 . 4/28/2012
Peter S. Beagle wrote 'Magicians' Wives'.
All the dialogue from 'Martin could hear the murmurs from the crowd' to '"How do we get people out of here?" Jan asked' is from spearholders in the crowd. There are three or four of them. Since we never see them again, I didn't bother naming them.
| Tanis Phillipus chapter 1 . 4/27/2012
In general, don't use a space before an em dash. Don't overuse commas. Avoid constructing overly complex sentences. Be consistent in your punctuation-get rid of the semicolons- Make more use of conjunctions. There are places in the text where 'but' would have made things much easier.
The plot itself is good, and the story well written. There are a few sentences here and there which don't seem to gel with the rest, but that shouldn't really matter. It was a little hard getting into it at the beginning. You need to make it easier to relate to Martin. You built up Ann well.
A little more exposition wouldn't go amiss.
Some notes I made during the read:
semi-shoddy sounds odd.
"She's a healer; some jargon is inevitable. How is it you handle becoming a 'curséd fiend' so well? - jargon is inevitable sounds wrong, even considering Ann's odd way of talking. I think it's a good idea to get rid of the accent mark on cursed too, or was it a typo? Kuh-sayd
and knew all there was to know about everything. - You might consider changing everything to anything - knew everything(all there was...) about anything - instead of everything about everything.
"Since I can't go out easily, pretty much," Martin said. - implies he has trouble getting through a door. I can't move around outside easily, maybe?
The boy was right, water, a lot of water, was flowing down the street. - This shouldn't be a compound sentence.
Edward Hopkins looked like an archetypal Irish-American politician, with thinning short sandy hair - archetypal sounds like something Ann would use. Typical would work better, in my opinion.
The word arcing shouldn't be used. It's used more in connection with electric arcs than with water flow.
Tonight she was wearing another pantsuit, this one in fine wool, black, over a green silk top with a deep V-neckline. - this one made of fine wool,...
Her gaze was intent on the fountain as she stepped up beside him. - She gazed intently at... sounds better.
"You three" — a quick emerald glance took in the two Folsom Street Irregulars and the vampire — "quiet the crowd and suggest that they leave before the poor thing panics." - The em dash here seems a little out place, and unnecessary.
"I've never seen water do that before."
"Just like The Abyss."
"Like Terminator II, you mean."
"No, I mean The Abyss! When the water's doing that mimic thing."
"He's right. It's in The Abyss, too." - Who's the speaker?
pulled up any-old-way on 13th Street - any old way's too vague
from expensive cross-trainers to salon haircut.- add possessives or articles.
"I said to call me Ann." - Doesn't sound very Annish- at least from what I've read so far. I asked you to call me Ann; or, I told you to call me Ann.
"One of his most felicitous phrases," Ann agreed. - would be nice if you used 'his' name instead.
saw the crowd; which is true. - Em dash instead of semicolon (For consistency).
Martin took a sip of coffee, then continued: - then continued is superfluous.
Martin and Edward glanced at each other. "Well,…" Martin began. Comma before the ellipsis looks odd.
"A fit of pique, I admit. He lied to me, which annoyed me. - he lied to me, which was annoying- sounds better.
who said he has never heard of him." - said he had never
| The Author again chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
I had to look this up, which took a while. I thought it might be _meiosis_ but apparently it's not:
"And despite J. K. Rowling, wands are neither appropriate nor necessary for every spell!" The wand turned to dust in her hand. **In this line, perhaps you could have clarified the target of the word "despite". Was it despite J.K. Rowling's existence or despite what she wrote in Harry Potter?** This is a colloquial usage of _metonymy_ where:
'a noun is substituted for a noun in such a way that we substitute the cause of the thing of which we are speaking for the thing itself; this might be done in several ways: substituting the inventor for his invention, the container for the thing contained or vice versa, an author for his work, the sign for the thing signified, the cause for the effect or vice versa'. (James Thurber, I believe it was, who discussed 'milk' and 'milk bottle' and what's meant when one writes: He hit her with the milk.)
And when you think about it, the only reason to mention J. K. Rowling at all here is because of her writing, but since she didn't write an nice quotable bit about wands (apt for this situation), I chose to reference her whole body of work by referring to her. Lynn.
(Read more: wikiDOTanswersDOTcom/Q/24_kinds_of_figure_of_speech#ixzz1mqhSwT86 )
| Reply chapter 1 . 2/18/2012
"You seem to have made what a friend of mine would call a healthy adjustment to vampirism," she said, as they waited." Before in the story, there is no mention as to Martin becoming a vampire, or at least any that I could find.
Well, there's Martin's excellent sight: 'There was no streetlight nearby but he could see it clearly' and this exchange:
"It seemed like an excellent opportunity to be bitten. I did warn them, biting me is dangerous. You should heed that, too."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I've been warned that my blood may be poison to vampires. Tonight was in the nature of an experiment."
"Yes." which was designed to inform the reader.
'Again, with Jan. I'm confused. Is the knowledge about vampires widespread, as a random person Martin is training seems to know all about Martin's being a vampire.' Jan is a trainee member of the Folsom Street Irregulars, an anti human-feeding/gay-bashing origination. Officially, it's a neighborhood watch group with members going out on rounds. However, all members are aware of vampires and carry stakes. Sub-cultures sometimes band together for safety, and Martin, who is a bar owner in addition to being a vampire, likes to keep his end of Folsom Street quiet.
| eaststar chapter 1 . 2/3/2012
I like it! You've provided an easy-to-picture story. Also, you have an amazing vocabulary. Are you an English teacher? Major? This story is way above high school level.
Here are the tiny little details I found something slightly wrong with:
"You seem to have made what a friend of mine would call a healthy adjustment to vampirism," she said, as they waited."
Before in the story, there is no mention as to Martin becoming a vampire, or at least any that I could find. I think that the way you introduced the fact is too sudden. Perhaps you could add in some context clues about the appearance of Martin beforehand? And if you have already done so, it would be nice if you made it more obvious for readers like me. Also, perhaps you should introduce the matter of vampires in general. I thought that you were describing a scene in actual real-life San Francisco until I caught the word vampire and I was like "Oh! So this is about vampires. Now I have to readjust my perceptions about the place described!" Though the way you wrote it makes sense, I feel as if you could make the establishment of facts a little less sudden.
Again, with Jan. I'm confused. Is the knowledge about vampires widespread, as a random person Martin is training seems to know all about Martin's being a vampire.
When it says "Hey! That's my elemental!," it would be nice if you could clarify that it wasn't Martin who said that, but an outside voice. Because in my mental picture, I had Martin say that line when I read it.
"And despite J. K. Rowling, wands are neither appropriate nor necessary for every spell!" The wand turned to dust in her hand.
In this line, perhaps you could have clarified the target of the word "despite". Was it despite J.K. Rowling's existence or despite what she wrote in Harry Potter?
BTW I operate on a Review for Review basis, as I honestly don't have time to read a lot of chapters at once so don't feel offended if I don't comment on your next chapter until I get a review on mine!
** I don't have much time to relook over this review so sorry for any lack of clarity! I have to leave somewhere now.
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 8/31/2010
Yes, I should have made it plain that while each title contains the word CHAPTER, and each story/chapter follows the previously numbered story/chapter **temporally** as far as the action of the MAIN STORY is concerned, some story/chapters deal primarily(but NOT exclusively)with side issues and are best considered stand-along-with stories. However, I didn't know how it would turn out when I began writing, so please bear with me while I refigure the basic organization. Individual story/chapters will still be lengthy, because that seems to be the way I write.
| marceline the vampire queen chapter 3 . 7/9/2010
Chapters are too long, but otherwise it's good.
| surrealphobia chapter 1 . 1/29/2010
I just finished the first chapter. I really love your character's. Ann Grove/Varvara makes me laugh. There's something about her no nonsense approach mixed with her way of speaking that makes me chuckle. She walks all over everyone and they are only trying to keep up. (At least, that's the way I see it.) You have a wonderful writing style and I doubt anyone could find a single flaw in your grammar. I can't wait to read the next chapters and see what happens!
| dreamwhenyoublink chapter 1 . 1/28/2010
I was impressed i have only had time to read chapther one but i enjoyed it. YOur writing is clear and consistent. The only thing i didn't like was the open ended converstation without an iditcation on whom was speaking. I admit i got lost a few times. Aside from that. It is an interesting tale and definility a grade above other vampire stories i have read.
| ershadtjy chapter 1 . 8/24/2009
just thought you might like to know that you can compile the chapters of one story together. i found it kinda weird that you had a story with 3 chapters, then chapter 4 and 5 in separate stories. you can also separate the chapters into shorter blocks, makes it easier to read.