Reviews for Breaking Solitary
YasuRan chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
Your summary drew me in. It had that enigmatic feel about it, stroking the reader's curiosity. The sound of snow falling sounds like a prediction of sorts to me. A chain of seemingly harmless things collecting to form something greater?

The stark contrast between the Cudjas and Upper-classman was striking in many respects. The Cudja at the beginning seems to cherish the comfort of his/her parents and beliefs, despite the surroundings while the Upper-classman is starved for company. Yet, the last line emphasizes the Cadjic's suffering, encapsulating their plight as a whole.

If anything on concrit, I suggest double-spacing between paragraphs so the story doesn't look as bunched together. Spacing would give it a cleaner look for presentation's sake.

But overall, an interesting story from what little I've read. It's got potential.
notveryalice chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
Language/Spelling/Grammar

I like the timbre and style of this piece; you choose words carefully and are concise without being sparing. I can envision everything you describe: from the softly piling snow to your male lead's flashing eyes. Your choice of local names evokes Eastern European languages, specifically Russian, which I find endearing on a personal level and appealing at a linguistic level. Too many authors ignore real language when constructing fictional languages, and more specifically names, I suppose because they think names aren't language (which they are). Your sentence structure is very aesthetic, which isn't something I see often on FP. Well done.

Scene

This isn't exactly a criticism, because you manage to cover a surprising amount of ground in very few words; however, I would very much like to see more of each main character before you move on. You've given me exactly the right amount of detail per sentence, but I would prefer that you spend more sentences on your opening scenes - which are at the moment only vignettes. Perhaps only a paragraph or two more would be enough in each case.

Character

Your nameless female(?) lead has a carefully and closely developed character; I already know who she is, or at least I have a good indication, after only a few hundred words. Pasha's character is still as yet somewhat unformed - you do tell us about him, that he supports a segmented society, for example, but there are places in which his 3rd person limited tone stretches the boundaries of what I think is his character. For example, the tone of the phrase "it beats being a Cudja" does not, for me, fit into his character as you've portrayed it in other sentences - it's too informal.

Plot/Enjoyment

Of course, this assumes that these two are destined to be lovers, but I am curious to see how you'll manage to get them together. How would Pasha ever cross her(?) path? I'm intrigued. I also want to know more physical details about the world you've created. I want to know more about the religious differences, more about the environment (Does it truly always snow?) about the city, about politics, etc. etc. So, I'm subscribing. Your style reminds me a little of Kafka and a little of Aldous Huxley (specifically, "Ape and Essence"). I have high expectations of you - keep it up!
Eva Rieycoit chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
I like how you talked about the backstory, but didn't reveal so much in the process. :) It's a nice start to the story!
kapowie chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
Oh, this is very interesting! I like it a lot! It's almost hard to describe; it's so unique! It's timeless, I think, too. All throughout the piece I couldn't tell if it was talking about something that happened in the past or something that is happening in the distant future.

And it was very well-written, too! I loved the descriptions and all the subtleties - you gave a great kind of overview of this society, whatever it is, without revealing too much, which really makes the reader want to know so much more. It was really, so interesting. A very great way to start this story, too. It's such a hook!

And I have to say, I loved the line "I'm glad Mr. Policeman knows his place." I don't know why, but I really liked that! Especially calling him Mr. Policeman. It gave great insight as to what this narrator is like and how he or she feels about this whole thing. All of the characters seem great!

Anyway, great job! I really, really liked this!
CHIIJOY chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
I love fantasy-type stories. Update soon.~~
Ray-Anne chapter 1 . 5/6/2009
Your first character, she seems strangely naive though insightful in that child like way. That aside, astounding creativity, very interesting idea you've got going, would love to see it as it advances
mikey magee chapter 1 . 4/24/2009
I loved the allusions to snow in the middle of the story. The "Some people say that you can’t hear snow, but I think I can. Maybe because I’ve listened to it my whole life," showed me a lot about the character and his or her situation.

Also, "Pasha Vinka has nothing to wish for." I think you meant to write "have" instead of "has". Just a typo, I make a lot more than you do, trust me! :)

This line: "Upon opening the door, the policeman gives a start." Didn't make sense to me. How exactly do you "give a start"?

The opening line was a nice touch. I liked the way you wrote it, though I think it could have more power if you separated the "Cold-" from the rest of the opening. Maybe have "cold-" start on the first line rather than be with the rest. Or, if you just want to stay with the pause after "cold" I suggest you end it with a period instead of a dash.

Wonderful story opening. I liked the back story you gave. It made the world come alive.
Royal Bliss chapter 1 . 4/23/2009
Huh turns out I've actually read this before but didn't review.

Anyway I like the setting this is in. It's very "dark" yet interesting/intriguing. The way this starts out in the Cudja point of view was a good way to introduce the setting. I think if you started it with Pasha's POV it would have kind of been a turn off, very arrogant character-wise.

I especially like the way the character in the first half describes hearing snow. It's very good description I can't really word what I'm trying to say here without sounding cheesy...

"It’s the sound of millions of tiny pieces of barely anything stacking up to slowly become something. The sound of nothing at all."

Those two sentences really make the paragraph. I like your style. It's obvious that this is planned out, you seem to have everything together in this little world you created. It all fits nicely together. I really hope you continue this like you say you will. This has a lot of potential. Except... from the tone you setup here I kind of hope it isn't "funny", the serious mood you have going on in this is pretty strong and really makes the piece.

Bah sorry that this was not a helpful review. But yeah, nice work & great use of imagery.
Tewr chapter 1 . 3/31/2009
I like this prologue and the story so far. The rivalry between the Cudja and the Tucskja is very interesting.

The first thing I noticed though, was that within the first three lines, you switched from past to present and vice versa. in the second line, I think "were" would make more sense as "are" because of the way you wrote the rest of the prologue for the person in cell 43.

There was another small error I saw in this portion of it. When you first describe the prisoner hearing the snow, you have "her" instead of "hear."

I like the two different perspectives you're writing from here. From a prisoner and a royal/well off person.

I noticed that in the second paragraph about Pasha, it seemed a bit awkward. It sounded like you, the writer were ordering or suggesting to the character, Pasha, to get some sleep. I think you could have worded that better.

I thoroughly enjoyed this prologue though, and I'm interested in reading more of this story. It's good, so I think you should change the summary around. It was a little confusing to me.

Overall though, great job. Keep it up. -

~ Tewr (- -)