|Reviews for Paths|
| verily chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Congrats on winning the WCC! Sorry this is late, but better late than never, eh?
I love how you tell a story in just three short stanzas. It's a cute, simple story yet it has a lot of depth.
Your characterization is really good for such a short amount of time. I think it's adorable how he's a logical man and she's sort of a free spirit. I see her living on intuition and him living on intellect.
Your rhyme scheme is good for the most part, although I think the rhythm isn't very strong, especially with the last line of each. But I dunno, maybe that's what you were going for.
I really love the line "the scene a simple park" because it puts a nice little picture in my head of them meeting. Maybe he's reading a book and she starts talking to him. It's like one of those chick flick movies or something.
So anyway, this is an adorable, short little poem, but it tells a big story. Nice job!
| I be a poet lost in morbidity chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
This is really powerful, I love the rhyming scheme, It adds to the romance. I also like the way you made two people from such different worlds come together in this poem, it's really touching.
| Dramaqueen2061 chapter 1 . 6/28/2009
I really hope I'm not too late on my review, but you certianly deserve it anyway!
Word choice: Your word choice was really good! I liked the words Converge, and dictated, and nought. They really pulled the peice together.
Flow: Your flow went very well! they way you wrote it makes it seem very professional!
Subject: Love is always a great subject, and the way you panned it out into a poem is lovley. It was almost like hidden, like you didn't just write, "do people meet and fell in love." You made it really romantic, to me.
Enjoyment: I really loved this peice! Even thought It was short, I totally felt the hard work and passion you put in this peice!
once again, even If I didn't make the dedline, you deserved this review!
| karma-dollie chapter 1 . 6/28/2009
Congrats on winning WCC!
This is a great poem. I really enjoyed reading it. While reading, I imagined this dork on a bench, programming a computer or something and sitting next to a flapper who eventually started chatting him up. It was funny and beautiful.
I'm usually biased with ABAB rhyme schemes cos most poems I've read with them sound childish and the flow is broken by the rhymes. However, even with the ABAB rhyme scheme here, the poem didn't flow like a childish piece. It read like a story that just happened to rhyme nicely so it was easy to forget the bias.
The word choice was great. The rhyming words don't sound forced like you just needed a word to rhyme and didn't care about the context. And certain phrases caught my attention like "an intersection of lives." It's lovely and it's true because when you cross paths with someone, it's such a haphazard event that just takes a moment. Even when I read "nought," the first time it felt jarring since it seemed almost archaic compared to the rest of the poem, but on rereading, I noticed it doesn't really detract from the piece.
The mood felt hopeful and calm, which made it easy to read. I could imagine this being read like a lullaby. In such a common place, two people who are very different from one another can meet and fall in love. It actually felt almost like a documentary with Morgan Freeman narrating for these two intertwining souls. :P
You did a great job with this. Lovely poem. And congrats again!
| Ashelin chapter 1 . 6/23/2009
Interesting way of examining chance meetings. I'm not particular on rhyming pieces unless they are well done and original, but this one was alright. "Converge" and "emerge" were wonderful uses of rhyming. Usually I don't like the abad form, but you covered it well enough. I think that because it was so short, it kept the poem from becoming redundant or losing its flow.
Unfortunately, I think, the fact that it was such a short poem might have left it lacking for the reader on a very interesting story. Yes, it was cute and floaty, but I think it is a topic you could have possibly taken further. "He a man of science" leaves a lot for the reader to guess at. This is good if you want only to give a snapshot view, and I think you did well in capturing that.
Even though I am not huge on form (as you can probably tell I lack traditional poetry standards), I thought that the four lines in three stanzas looks quite beautiful, especially since the width of each line was balanced to fit inside a certain size. It helped to make your poem pleasing both initially and after reading it, so that instead of the poem feeling choppy, it gave off a very rounded feel.
Though this poem was so simple, you were able to fit a lot in. No, there weren't many images or scenes, scents, or philosophical ideas, but there was a lot for so few lines. You were able to reassert yourself from each personality from the first stanza and into the second, which helped to increase the flow. Though the last stanza could be startling since it changes directions, it was a wonderful conclusion.
Overall, well done. Congratulations on winning WCC for June.
| Kirrithian chapter 1 . 5/22/2009
I like how you used 'intersection' to describe how the two meet, as it emphasises the science of the guy.
'She who spoke without thinking,
Till there was nought left to say.'
I liked this line because it's so true for so many of us women out here.
A nice, simple poem- I really like it.
| Miss Bob chapter 1 . 4/20/2009
D'aw, tres cute...
I like the division between the two characters, science versus spontaneity... it isn't one I would have thought possible. Very nice.
However, I really really *really* love the last verse, the rhyming of converge and emerge is set perfectly :)
| october lies chapter 1 . 4/20/2009
I like the format and wording of this poem a lot. Though, i will say that in the first stanza, I misread "He a man of science" and "She where spontaneity thrives". Maybe it would be easier if the two sentences were joined, though not put on the same line. Maybe cut out that period, add "and" and a comma.
Your style of writing is so refined, it reminds me of the writing from dickensons and such. if you know what I mean. I love this a lot - a love story without all the smooches and corny phrases. It's simple and it strikes me as a poem about adult love rather than teenage love - which I must say is very refreshing. Good job.
| skyward squidly squee chapter 1 . 4/4/2009
Hey, it's Euro from Break Writer's Block. I lost at TBT, so here's your prize review!
I like the imagery a lot, and especially form the very first two lines and the very last two lines. What I see is two people walking alone on two different paths into a park and then walking out together on the same one. It's great, exactly what it's about; you described it well.
I like the form/structure. lol. Well, first you say they're going to intersect, then there's one line for each 'he' and 'she,' then two lines for each, then telling that they're together at the end and not even as separate as earlier in the poem.
Though they were simple, I also like the last two lines of the middle stanza. But I'm thinking what you spelled as 'nought' is 'naught.'
Nice job, again. :P I really like your two newest poems. Keep writing. :)
- Pancakes! (Euro)