|Reviews for Power|
| karma-dollie chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Congrats on winning WCC! A review for you, my dear. :)
Overall, I think this read pretty nicely. The short phrases are effective with the idea behind the poem. There were some moments where it felt too choppy. "Logic" in the second stanza seems out of place. Where the other lines seem to break at appropriate places in what would otherwise be a full sentence, in this instance, I feel like the word is placed on the wrong line.
You chose wonderful words for this. They're nothing special, just commonly used words all around, but they still create this powerful picture. I loved the second to last stanza. It's written as simply as the first and is probably the most striking image-wise.
I greatly enjoyed this. It was short and sweet and still got its message across. It made me sad to think about the truth behind the idea of it.
The subject became apparent from the very first stanza. It was helpful to me that you mentioned this came about after a bus ride. I think either way, it'd be pretty straightforward, which is good because you do it in a way that's not beating the reader over the head with the topic, but still laying it out in a completely clear way.
Nice job. This was really good. And congrats again!
| words are all I have chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
I like the way the lines are so short, it makes it more dramatic. The rhythm is a bit awkward though, you may have wanted to choose your words more carefully.
| Carus chapter 1 . 7/11/2009
Hey Zion, congrats for winning WCC June :D Sorry this has taken me so long to do.
First of all, I love the format of this poem. It looks like an arrow or knife, or threatening weapon - which is what you're trying to get across in the poem, partly. If it's an arrow, it's pointing down - perhaps showing the deterioration of society? I don't know if that's deliberate or not, and I'm probably (as usual) reading too much into things, but either way, the shape of the poem works well. :)
I think that the subject matter of this poem is very topical and accurate. Teenagers ARE viewed as threatening, and they are stigmatised in the press and in general. I'm guessing, from your summary, that this is an account of something you've experienced? (haha stupid question, everyone has who's our age). I find it interesting how, in the second half of the poem, you seem to have given in to the stereotype in a way, yet because of the first half ("It's not right...") there's a tinge of irony colouring it. And bitterness. :P I also like the way you've not directly stated to the reader what the poem is about, yet it is possible to work it out if you think about it. The amount of ambiguity works well in creating an immediate atmosphere, as if what's going on in the poem is happening right now.
I think a couple of things could have been improved with the flow - for instance,
"The glint of metal,
Makes them flinch" - there doesn't need to be a comma here. But overall, I felt that the flow was very good and that it fit in with the rest of the poem and its themes - the choppy enjambement creates tension, mimicking the situation that the narrator is in. The length of the poem added to this as well – by making it so short, you've succeeded in making a statement that will be remembered for its directness.
However, the poem isn't too blunt in its message. This is probably due to your word choice – words like “dictates” and “belies” add a sophistication to the poem which also has the effect of undermining the 'obvious' message of it – that teenagers are dangerous, unthinking idiots that will hurt you just for the sake of it. I think it's incredibly clever how you've managed to create two opposite messages of the poem; one on the surface, that of the dangerous teenager, and one underlying one, the 'deeper' meaning of the poem – that teenagers are stigmatised and illogically feared. The way you show the deeper meaning is much cleverer, and so even just by that, you're saying that the second meaning is more important. I hope that made sense. :P
I loved the key bit. Just so you know. :P
Grammar stuff (that may or may not be right...:D)
I could do anything.
Ready to strike,
To beat them down.”
I'm fairly sure that both commas in this bit should be semicolons.
“I’m leaving now,
They let out a sigh of relief.”
Same thing here. Or you could use a hyphen for variation. :D
““Till next time” I say,
With my eyes.”
““Till next time[,]” I say, [not sure about this comma]
With my eyes.”
Congrats and sorry again for this being so late D:
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 6/18/2009
congratulations on winning the WCC!
Interesting poem. I really liked the POV. It's unique and not something you see that often. I also liked the topic. It wasn't just a love story or anything. Like i said with the tone, unique.
I enjoyed how you ended it. You did a good job of writing about the "Metal". You fooled the reader into thinking that it was a knife. (At least you fooled me).
Also your last two lines were effective. I loved how he/she said it with their eyes. So much more menacing than actually saying it. And you can just picture that expression too. great visulation and word choice.
again, congrants on winning the Wcc. see you in later months,
| Aqua-eagle Sunshine chapter 1 . 5/22/2009
The opening is really good because it captures attention. The first three lines are really good, the way you've structured them is brill because of the order you put them in, like how you tell us that they're scared before you tell us that they don't know him/her.(It felt to me like it was a male?)
The way you put an action in there was really good, a normal everyday action, 'I pull out my keys' it adds a certain mysteriousness to it. The narrator seems to almost agree with their fear, like he knows he could destroy them if he wanted to. 'The glint of metal' this is a good description, it reminded me of how you would describe a sword.
The ending fits in really well with the rest of it because it just strengthens the idea of their fear, and how eager they are for him to leave. But in the end he wins because he leaves them with something on their mind, something to frighten them.
Overall I thought it was very unique and you have a real talent...which i'm sure you already know:)
| Danielle Gin chapter 1 . 4/28/2009
I liked this a lot! It was really in the mind frame of the character. Also, I liked that you were very descriptive of his actions (him pulling out his keys). It was really nice over all! Great job and happy writing!
| Duckies chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
I really liked this poem, it's short yet effective. There was a tense kind of feel to it, as if the narrator is dangerous and almost waiting for something. The language you used also added to the tone of the poem nicely, it emphasised the relationship between the characters well. Loved the last line. The poem reminds me of the tough guy in good movie :P
Great work :)
| skyward squidly squee chapter 1 . 4/4/2009
Hey, it's Euro from Break Writer's Block. I lost at TBT, so here's your prize review! (first of three)
I like the language you used in this poem, like "logic dictates," and "reputation belies." It makes the narrator seem intelligent, and makes the people the narrator tells about seem, by contrast, silly. It works well in this poem,especially after what you say in the first stanza, "They don't know me/But they fear."
I also like the tone of this. It's like you have some sort of power over them (And it's cool, because I thought the word 'power' before I remembered that was the title, then I did, and I like the title. :D). "I'm unpredictable," and especially, I think, "The glint of metal/Makes them flinch" express how afraid of you they are and how you could just freak them out if you wanted to. And with, "I'm leaving now,/The let out a sigh of relief." it's like only with you gone can the tension felt throughout the poem be relieved.
Also. :P :D. I thought the very last two lines were pretty cool. They really got me.
I really did like it. Nice job. :P
- Pancakes! (Euro)