I really love how you explain and word everything. I find your writing style beautiful and I look forward to your next update!

Character: I liked the character of Ash. It was nice to see how she reacted to the changes and I loved how her thoughts stayed constant through out the story. I didn't, however, like the prolonged griping, it was realistic to hear her be upset but as the chapter went on it became a little annoying. Not a big deal though, you could just cut a little of that.

Pace: The pace was constant and it flowed well. I loved how you didn't over emphasize your descriptions of the characters or the setting, it was a nice balance.

Writing: While the descriptions were amazing, the phrasing was a little bit chunky in some areas.

"The black circles under her soft, loving caramel eyes" The word "loving" seemed to throw the flow off (for me at least). There were some other descriptions in the story that could have used a little tweaking to make them zing a little bit more. I did like the phrasing you used for the "ghost".

"His dark-wash boot cut jeans hugged his legs, revealing well-sculpted muscles. His shirt was a dark red color, which accented his chocolate brown eyes"

That was wonderful and it managed to get the point across in an active and dynamic way.

Ending: Normally I wouldn't suggest ending the chapter with a character going to sleep but you managed to pull it off well enough. I liked how you included "sleepless dreams" at the end, it ended the chapter with a slight air of mystery.

Opening: The opening was nice as well. It was a great hook to start off with dialog and I liked how you jumped right into her story problem (moving away).

awesome! cnt wait till the next chap.

hey, its me, maggie, from quizilla (in case u havent already figured that out). so anyway. on 2 the review:

awesome, as always. 1 of my very favorite stories in the whole world. definitely in my top 5.

-maggie

She isn't very obedient, is she? If he doesn't want her to talk, there's surely a reason...Also, CREEPER ALERT! She wakes up with a mysterious guy in her room, shouldn't she be freaking out? Yes, chopping him to pieces would be entirely appropriate, if random and rather out of character as seen so far, especially if he's gonna be such a jerk. Interesting development how he knows who Curious George is and thinks that he's relevant- I wasn't aware that he was a *talking* monkey?

Note to Ashlynn- never say anything you don't want people to hear. It's dumb.

He actually answers to Houdini? Flexible, for a blockhead.

Allusions are all well and good, but they seem rather forced. Intersperse different topics, or just bypass the awkwardness by only using them when truly relevant.

This waiting contest is a bit of a waste of time. I like how she spends it, but it doesn't seem in character for either, from what we've seen so far.

RANDOM rant...is this a cameo? DON'T DO THAT! I get that you want to give your loyal reviewers something, but when you include them you compromise the interest of your other readers. If you absolutely have to, work them in over time, in ways that actually make sense.

He gives up? A GHOST gives up? (assuming that he is, indeed, a ghost) Curiouser and curiouser.

The laugh description is a really amusing little interjection, but you seem to be using a lot of those. I guess the Vonnegut one made this one stand out more.

I like this ghost's sense of humor, but he currently seems to have very little purpose except to be sarcastic etc. If his visiting her is so dangerous that first she couldn't speak (though that didn't last long) and now he can't tell her anything at all, then why is he there? He definitely doesn't seem to be there because he likes her company!

What is a legitimate concern? I don't get how he has nothing better to do, or how he can be offended by that rather awesomely phrased thought.

Yeah, Houdini dude, many people can walk and thus walk into second story girls' rooms.

You're forgetting punctuation a bit again, and phrasing things rather awkwardly. I like the banter, but it's making you...well, frankly, it's reminding me of Dean Koontz's writing. If you've read his books, you surely know what I mean, and can decide for yourself, but if not, just remember that quick comebacks and funny comments may be fun to read, but don't help the story, well, at all, if you want to have legit characters and DON'T plan to be writing humor.

This guy is WAY unique- have I mentioned I love that? He can only read minds AT TIMES, and yet he can tell her exactly what meaningless crap she's thinking.

That riddle is both random and not entirely logical. Another dimension to our nameless hero.

Why would she be so happy, after such an infuriating experience? And wouldn't her odd attire be more relevant when the hot guy is in her room? Why would a t-shirt say "Genuine", anyway?

Cereal separation process? What on earth is that? Either way, only textbooks put abbreviations in parenthesis for later use- in general, YOU can just abbreviate it and assume we know what you're talking about, or else take the time to type it all out.

She's calling her mother immature? Odd.

Oh, so this whole thing is because she only likes the raisins from Raisin Bran? Quirky.

"Tiny" hands? This makes her sound out of proportion and really doesn't need to be mentioned at all.

The fact that the grass is living should be part of your interjection too, as in "the- surprisingly alive- grass."

Suddenly you're introducing a romantic element into their relationship, which kinda negates all the awkward conversation earlier. I am really confused as to what is going on between them now, and about what just happened. Thus, I shall keep reading- a much better cliffhanger than the last one.

Again, sorry about the lack of specificness, and sorry if this review doesn't help at all- this chapter is really good in terms of things I usually comment on, and thus I seem to have ended up just ranting with my thoughts. Forgive me?

You asked for it- I'm reviewing! In an effort to be as helpful as possible I'm just gonna write what I see when I see it, please don't think that that means I don't like it.

It's starting out a bit familiar- Ashlynn is up there with Raven in terms of Supernatural names, and moving reluctance is how about a million FP stories start out. Thus, try to use the thought to get our attention- people don't think like that, so it needs rephrasing, and you can use that change to give her more character. Show, don't tell- mayhaps you can have her think something quirky to reduce what you have to say? I love the list of friends- make the rest of the paragraph equally awesome.

NEWfound anger? Sounds pretty pent up to me. I want those cars! And the HOUSE...*jealousies*

The dead vegetation comment doesn't quite make sense- why does she love it and why does it make her pessimistic? I get where you're going, but it doesn't QUITE make sense.

Ah, these thoughts are far more realistic. Strange thing to wonder, but great stream of consciousness.

I love your description of her mother, but you're getting kinda description heavy. You don't need to tell us what her hands look like, and we actually don't care what color everyone's hair and eyes are. You're doing great with giving unique descriptions- just go lighter on the cliches. You can give us the colors later. And she's EXASPERATEDLY sighing DESPERATELY, which makes her sound rather insane. Possible tense issues with "pretends"- it's debatably supposed to be past tense.

I like that you tell us it's her instinct to help people, without going up and saying something corny.

Silly comment, but from what I've heard, carpet, especially white, isn't very popular in Louisiana. Perhaps that hasn't always been true, but this house would be so much creepier without it :)

The "my trail of thoughts..." paragraph has a couple typos, nothing big. Her reaction, however, is kinda awkward, as is your later comment that he looks "hot, but not gay." I mean, it's good to establish the sexual orientation of possible love interests, but wow, that's a strange way to do it. The colors, though, are amazing!

I love the idea of saying that he's too gorgeous to be human, but I'm getting the idea that he ISN'T human, which kinda wastes that amazing device. Use it on an actual human, please!

Wow, interesting language. I must remember to call the next hot guy I see a fool! :) I love that she does it, but it sounds more like something HE would say.

People do not often shrug their shoulders for reasons besides confusion, but it does generally make it seem as if she's giving up on what she just saw. Maybe she's shaking off the strange occurrence, or stretching to wake up?

She is kinda Disney crazy, isn't she? That works, but maybe you should establish her love for classic movies in things besides allusions. Something so simple as a Little Mermaid T-shirt would work wonderfully. Who is Figment, btw?

SHE TALKS LIKE ME! And she calls the cracked mirror cliche. I'm really liking these two paragraphs.

I'm not completely understanding the house- it sounds super cool, but isn't the bathroom also a kitchen, living room, etc? Sounds like her floor has a lot of extra space, unless this is a really oddly shaped house.

I love the idea of her looking at herself calculatingly before she goes to sleep, but we need a reason why, or else it's a really anticlimactic end to the chapter. Does it perhaps have to do with the handsome stranger? o.O

Overall: the description of Mr. Supernatural Being of Gorgeousness has made me want to keep reading, since he's clearly no normal human/ghost/vampire. You write well and REVISED, too, which makes me really glad that I'm reading your story instead of someone else's. You kinda tend to wham us with many, descriptive, repetitive adjectives, but that's the only consistent problem you might want to address. That's easy, though- just flip through the thesaurus to condense them into one whammer.

Reading over my own review, I seem to have a problem with telling you what I'm referring to. If I make no sense, feel free to message me.

Thanks so much for letting me R&R!

I really like this story so far i love how you wrote it it seems so real and it seems to be a pretty interesting plot line so far. i really like how you use a lot of detail too.

Hey there. I got your message earlier and I thought I would check out what you've written. :)

I have to admit that I'm new to the whole "ghost" fiction type stuff, but you really seem to know what you're doing. You details are nice, especially when you started to describe the decrepit house. Even though I've never been in the Haunted House ride at Disney (or seen the movie) I still am able to see everything in my mind's eye. Good job!

I personally thought that the ghost was introduced a little too quickly, but that's just me - I'm one to drag out the exposition. XP I do understand that when you have people reading over the internet, they can get a little impatient, so I guess I can understand the reasoning. I just figured I would add my two cents.

Pretty good so far and I'll get to the second chapter when school isn't killing me. LOL.

Funny,funny! How did you find my page? I havn't posted a single story yet!

This story definitely has potential. If you provide some background on Ash at the beginning it could turn out better. From my own perspective, I'd like to think that this story would turn out well.

Good luck and be careful of plot bunnies. They may pop up at any time.

It is well written, but it does need some critquing. If I were you I would start looking for a BETA reader, because they are always amazing. I have my own BETA reader, although she is not part of this site, sadly, or else I would recommend you to her because she is amazing. But other than that I think it is good, but try to be a little more detailed about this mysterious guy. :)

Cheers

Chem6A

Okay, well you have a very nice style, but one thing you need to do is explain more of the situation. Where did this mysterious"hot but not gay guy" disappear to? It was very good, I personally would leave the last paragraph with the pimples out, but that's your choice.

Yay! 2nd 2woo comment! Anyway... I love it already ] I can't wait to read the next chapter. Btw: what is your username in Quizilla? I have an account there too.

Well done. Very well written. I enjoyed it very much. I think you have very interesting story line going, and would you to continue.I like what I read, and expect luck, nice to have a good Author aboard. WeLlcome!