Reviews for Obsidian
AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 5/13/2010
Hello. :)

I really enjoyed this piece a bunch. I did not see the ending coming at all! :P

Anyways; getting on with the review...

I liked how descriptive you were in describing the prince, and the girl's longing for him. It was really great! I also think that you got the 'snobby' prince attitude down pretty well. I enjoyed the dialogue.

I felt bad for the poor weed personified as a girl... She only wanted to be noticed! And when she is, she gets thrown away, because she's deemed 'useless.'

Anyways, great take on the prompt. :)

I can't think of anything negative to say... except maybe that the title didn't really match the prompt, but I didn't know if it was supposed to? Lol.

Great job!

~AvidWriter-92

From "We Return Reviews" forum. :)
Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 12/23/2009
well-written, tightly controlled prose. i agree with the

reviewer who doubted the appropriateness of the title. i

must disagree with most of the reviewers who liked the

ending. i appreciate how you were constrained by the

prompt for the story, but in my opinion after your fine

build-up to discover that the narrator is a weed makes

the whole story faintly ridiculous in retrospect. but

looking forward to reading other works of yours.
Isca chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
First, I really like the title of this. "Obsidian" instantly made me want to read the story.

"He was darkly alluring." Excellent description.

"His hands were capable and skilled." Oh my. I absolutely adore this line-it's so sensual.

Holy cow! I definitely wasn't expecting the ending. I was prepared for the speaker to be 'the woman' that the prince was fawning over, but not, she's just 'the weed.' That's a pretty great ending. Good work. :)
Angel-Leigh Jones chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
hiya

wow, you did really well from a prompt. I've never tried writing from a prompt before, i'm just not sure where it would go lol.

I love the way she wanted his attention and when he finally gave it to her it was disgust at what he saw. What type of flower was she?

Very well written. Well done.

Angel
Narq chapter 1 . 8/4/2009
Beautiful and heart-wrenching. Great great short story.

Narq.

P.S. I'm not very good at short stories so I'm not quite sure what to say :P
Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
Wow! I have been searching for Fantasy stories that have surprising endings, and I am happy that yours is very interesting.
letyoursoultakeflight chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
I love this! So sad, poor little flower... It just made me go AW! So extatic at being noticed, and then she was not even wanted...
fatbird33 chapter 1 . 4/27/2009
hey! I voted for you in the WCC, so i'd thought that i'd give you the review:)

The first thing is, the title. I have to admit, i don't like it very much. It seems random to be, i don't see how it pretained to the story.

I really liked the description of him in the first paragraph. it was very well done. Is musculature a word? None-the-less, it's cool.

I love your point of view. It's very unique and it's an interesting take on the prompt.

I liked how in such a short time, you give the prince character such a potent personality, especially with his personality. well done.

I LOVED the ending. Seriously, it was amazing. I was sort of expecting it, but you just wrote it so well that it still stung, and i felt the weeds pain.

From what i saw your story was free of any mechical errors, which is perfect.

It was a good length too, not dragging on too long, but long enough to create strong characters.

overall, i loved it. Good luck next month in the WCC, if you do it, which you should. :)

~fatbird
andeleted chapter 1 . 4/23/2009
Ah, I love searching through this site! I never know what I'm going to find.

I loved this! Your use of description is just superb~

Sometimes I like to click on a random story with out reading the synopsis, just so I'll be surprised, and this is what I did here. I tell you I was surprised! A short way down I started thinking something wasn't quite right. Like how 'she' was stationed in the flower beds. I was like, "what kind of people lounge in flower beds all day that aren't royalty?".

It's a very wonderful tale. And it's full, you know? Like I'm not wanting anything else from it, I'm satisfied :)
Manifest-Destiny-x X chapter 1 . 4/18/2009
I loved the personification, as the whole thing was personification, but it was done especially well. The concept is interesting, and made me think. The use of the word 'strumpet' made me giggle.
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
hiya :)

I'm reviewing your story for the WCC since Caras wanted to give away all her reviews.

Opening:

I thought that the opening was good. I liked that you're writing in the first person. The opening sentence was a good hook too, it made me want to read on to see who she was looking at.

Writing

For me, I think you went a bit overboard with the descriptions. The first few paragraphs alone, the description of the prince was full of adjectives, all with similar flavour: onyx, marble, granite. It felt like you're repeating the same things. I picture him like a marble statute-cold and still.

I wonder too about the era or location this is set in. I don't really see clues in your story about that. The fact that he's a prince would suggest to me that this is set in the past, yet his language is quite modern. I find it interesting too that you say several times that he is a dark prince, that is, I guess the connection to the title...obsidium being a dark stone like onyx which you also referenced. Interesting...because I don't see that that darkness had any connection or bearing to the story.

Characterization

I did enjoy your characterization of the prince, though we'don't really know a lot about his personality. I can picture him.

The girl/weed though I think that you totally anthropormorphize her/it too much,so much indeed that now it makes no sense that she was a weed all along.

"but I could not stop myself from daydreaming about how my pale white skin"

"he would place his massive hands gently around my waist"

"Oh, how I longed to touch those full, luxurious lips"

All these and more make your MC feel human. It makes no sense that a weed would "think" that.

I like the idea of a weed in the garden "talking" and giving observations, but they should at least be "weedlike"! I was quite disapointed to see that you made it an actual weed after all that.

Plot

I would have so loved it if you had made the MC an actual girl, a weed in his eyes perhaps. That would have made more sense to me, that she would fall in love with him and he would totally not see her. Cliched perhaps but plausible.

The actual weed falling in love with the man is not believable at all.

I would even have enjoyed a story written from the weed's point of view, (like yours) but where the weed sounds like what it is. lol I don't know how...but that would be cool.

S
Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/13/2009
Interesting. From the fourth paragraph, apparently the narrator is a weed?

Good personification; "Everyday I grew bolder, edging a little closer to see his face." If I'm right and she is a weed, she's technically killing people, or well, plants, to get to him. You make her seem almost human, like with this line: "How he would place his massive hands gently around my waist. Slowly, carefully, he would bring his warm face down to mine, pausing a moment to inhale my scent before gently caressing my cheeks and…"

Ah, I knew it was coming, but it was a tragic ending.

Good luck in WCC!
Duckies chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
Wow! That was soo good! I didn't even realise the character was a flower until right at the end! Your writing style is fantasic, the use of words and personifictaion really well executed. A totally unexpected ending [which is a good thing] Loved it!
Kate Marshall chapter 1 . 4/11/2009
Woo, dear heavens, I love this! xD I thought the whole idea was executed perfectly and your word choice and tone complimented your character so well! And the ending! ;D I was prepared for a cheesy ending. I really was. And I probably would've taken that and been pretty happy with it, but I love your ending. Wonderful.

Great job and good luck in the WCC!
Dreamweaver38 chapter 1 . 4/9/2009
woah! I so didn't realize it was a flower till the end! That's amazing! Your personification was perfection! XD

Excellent, excellent job, I loved it.

Keep writing, and good luck in WCC!

River(s)
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