|Reviews for The Perfect Villian|
| MalSue chapter 1 . 3/2
*APPLAUSE* AWESOME! LOVE IT!
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 4/29/2009
This was wonderfully intriguing. I’m not sure I’ve completely got my head around it though. It does sound like the hero is the one behind the ‘evil genius’ and has been pulling his strings to make himself look good. Am I close? The narrator definitely didn’t sound like a hero.
And I loved some of the observations – like the bit about having to let one go free otherwise how do people know about you.
There were a couple of typos, but I really enjoyed the way you described the people in the jars. They seemed very real.
| Torra chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
This reminds me of the film Thirteen Ghosts mixed with the Seven People you meet in Heaven. Different aspects of the same eternal evil. I think your concept is great but painfully underdeveloped. I know the story isn't about the creatures in the tubes, but the person on the outside of the glass, but with a little more development to their stories and how they became tied to their "God" i think it would really stand out.
The gender of the protagonist is painfully vague, and I am not sure if that works or not. I think the complimentary version, with the characters chosen to represent the good in them, would be an interesting dynamic. But I guess not completely understanding the scenario isnt helpful.
But overall interesting Idea.
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
[They are the weeds of society and I have carefully plucked them for my special bouquet[,] though only one will be my shining glory]
[Those lips, red and bloody lips they are and I press a kiss to the glass]
That sentence is in disarray, like Frac said. "Those lips are red and bloody, and I press a kiss [...]" or "I press a kiss to the glass, in homage of the lips, red and bloody" or something else, there are multiple ways to rephrase.
Oh wow, that girl reminds me of one of my characters.
[the size of my head down across his chiselled chest to his feet]
That is a jumbly sentence, but unlike Frac said, chiselled is spelled correctly, or at least in its Brit form.
I think you have some comma splices.
[The third in the line is a goddess, all proud lines and narrow angles even her nose is pointed]
Either a comma before even, or better, end the sentence at angles, and even start the new sentence.
Typo, should be 'fourth.'
[more homicidal, on him]
On him should be inside the commas.
[Choosing him would be a gamble especially if he melted back into the shadows just to backstab me.]
Missing a comma before 'especially.'
Should be choose.
[watching as it catches fire burning the unconscious body]
Needs a comma after fire.
[for we have shared the same bed before twisted in silken sheets]
I think you need a comma after "before."
[each of the now four is being pumped ]
Subject-verb agreement error. Is should be are.
[that will inspire fear and respect.]
Odd. Don't they all inspire that already, I concluded from their histories. Maybe this is enforcing the narrator's evil or madness?
[Chosing him ]
Should be choosing.
[Chosing him now would show my true colours and that means, even with his dream so close all I can do it let him go free and hope he comes to me all of his own.]
Needs a comma after close, it should be is, is "go" necessary, of should be on, and this one I'm not particularly sure of, but there might need to be a comma after colours.
[where the switches the ‘evil genius’ had lined up for me – right before I slit his insane head from its less than sane shoulders.]
You're missing an 'are' after me.
[So many variations only two of which I can handle.]
Needs a comma after variations.
Her should be hear.
[Before me are not who I expected, I pick up my hammer]
Comma splice, should be a period.
A psychopathic, megalomaniac, hero who's actually a villain? Unique.
Good luck in WCC!
| Duckies chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
WOW! That is all I have to say. Absolutely loving the mannerisms, you portrayed the character's incredible ruthlessness so well. Really liked the way you explained each person, though the ending seemed a bit abrupt. This sounds like a really good beginning, are you going to expand on it? Putting it on alert just in case :P
Good luck for the WCC! :)
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 4/10/2009
Oh gosh, the narrator is a mad genius. I have mixed feelings regarding him, should I admire his brains, or hate his wickedness?
"I need that in them if I am to succeed in ruling the world through them."
I suppose that the narrator is some sort of Dark Lord, who manipulate others to achieve his aims. Great characterization.
| Dreamweaver38 chapter 1 . 4/9/2009
*gasp* *mouth drops open* *swallow*
this is freakin incredible! Sick, twisted and evil, but BRILLIANT!
I love this! OMG it's just...amazing! I dunno what to say!
Well, I guess, only critique, is read it over again, a couple things were spelt wrong and you needed a couple commas here and there, but still, incredible.
| Jasmine chapter 1 . 4/9/2009
Very dark! I loved it. I liked each "villan's" description and history. Your main character seems really twisted and this comes across in the ways he looks at and treats each person he holds captive.
It's very visceral and vivid. The protagonist seems like the perfect meglomaniac.
The only thing I would say is you could expand... make it a bit longer? I wanted more from the closing paragraph, it feels like the excitement really begins to hot up right there.
Can't wait to see what happens next! When will you write more?
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 4/9/2009
Ops...I hit the wrong button for leaving reviews!
Anyway, I really liked the concept of this, and the way you have elaborated on a tiny little bit of each person's history because it made them seem so much more personal.
What I disliked was how short this is! You should definitely expand it, and develop the main character's personality more. Like...why does he want to take over the world?
| effervescent-sentiments chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
Hmm. I'm not entirely sure what was happening there at the end. Very creepy language - you definitely pulled that off! I wasn't ever sure if the narrator was male or female, but maybe you wanted it that way. I liked the description of her old lover, but I couldn't tell if he'd hurt her or if he was just another one of her sick plans that she carried out despite loving him? Maybe you could develop that story a bit more.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
"They are the weeds of society"
Awesome connection with the prompt, there! Very imaginative.
"I grin, the corners of my mouth turning up "
Grinning turning up the corners of the mouth. They are synonymous. You don't need to say the same thing twice.
"Those lips, red and bloody lips they are and I press a kiss "
Nice, but it's a bit chaotic. How about:
"Those lips are red and bloody and I press a kiss" etc?
"He’s all muscle from his bicep, the size of my head down across his chiselled chest to his feet, and we all know what big feet mean. "
Another disorganized sentence. How about dividing it into two separate sentences? Might clarify.
Also, I think its chiseled.
General tip: Cut down on the ellipses. They become old real quick.
"his jaw looks tighter when he’s dressed in those stuffy assassin’s robes he comes to family dinners in. "
Freaking bada§§. Me likey.
"So many variations[either a comma or an and needs to be here] only two of which I can handle"
"I her the scream of a person "
And oh wow, there was teh ghey in it? XD Awesome.
Nice story. Didn't quite get the ending (he's a hero killing the villains?), but I liked it nevertheless.
Good luck in WCC!