|Reviews for Elements of Life|
| Duckies chapter 1 . 5/19/2009
Hi! FftF review here - sorry it's so late, my internet died o.O
I liked the beginning, it drew me in right away and made me really curious as to what had happened. I liked that instead of jumping straight into the action, you gave us some background information first, leaving those first few sentences for the reader to mull over, then conluding by coming back to the present tense.
I thought the beginning was a little too slow moving and a tiny bit info-dumpish, especially compared to the rest of the story. I really liked it towards the end, the pace picked up to match the tone of the story and you captured that panicked feeling perfectly.
I liked the way you portrayed the characters, they seemed very realistic and the dialogue was so believeable - I really liked the naming process for Polyman too, it reminded me of RG :D
Below are some suggestions that I made or slight grammatical errors that I picked up on (For sentences where I only changed one or two words, the alterations are inside ~~ symbols):
"my friends and I..." (I wasn't sure if this was a genuine mistake or if you were trying to make the character seem more teenager-esque, so decided to put it down anyway)
"I'd just had double chemistry; my friend Leo and I - blue-eyed...handsome Leo -"
"~Suddenly~ everything became just a bit too quiet."
"confronted ~either~ of us..."
"He kept his eye on Poly..."
"glassware, various tables..."
"Leo looked at me, ~then enveloped~ me in a comforting..."
"“No…” I whispered." - Perhaps have her whisper Leo's name or something similar instead? It didn't really fit that she was nodding one minute and disagreeing the next.
And that's all! If you have any questions about my comments or suggestions, feel free to pm me :)
| DanceLikeNo-oneIsWatching chapter 1 . 5/10/2009
RG-Fight for the Freebie.
Sorry this is so late. for whatever reason I was forbidden to enter certain parts of the site,including your profile/works, for about two weeks. Anyway, here goes...
I really liked how surrealistic this piece is. It has a nightmarish quality that makes you keep thinking you're going to wake up but you never do. This really keeps the reader interested and reading every word. Having an almost but not quite human antagonist really adds to the "creep" factor. Also, all the descriptions really added to the drama.
The ending was really confusing, becaue I couldn't figure out what happened to her. Did she get possesed by polyman? Did she get killed? Did she become a polyman? It was just kind of vuage. At the begining, it seemed a little boring, and you were just waiting for a reallylong time for something to hapen.
You also might want to go over it looking for spelling/gramatical errors. There are quite a few that could be easily fixed.
Again, sorry this is so late.
| Greenery chapter 1 . 4/20/2009
Creepy. The ending was especially good. It was chilling and dramatic. It almost makes the whole story. I didn't see it coming. brilliant twist. I like how you first described the narrator's unease around Poly, that feeling of just being watched. Very well done.
"No mouth. Would’ve thought?" I think here you mean "Who'd have thought?" or "Who would've thought?" It doesn't really make sense how it is. I think another thing that helps would be a little more drawing out for Leo's death. It seems so abrupt.
Great read though!
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 4/19/2009
Oh god...Molymods...I miss the abundant supplies of magnesium from GCSE Chemistry...and ye gods again...you're doing Salters Chemistry aren't you? :P
OK, onto the story. Your beginning is very catchy, fast-paced and draws the reader completely in, despite the cliche structure of the opening. You know, the whole "Hi, I've ruined the world, and let me tell you how etc..."
I found your story extremely easy to read - it all just seemed to flow, and despite it being horror, the dialogue made it really funny too.
If you're setting this in a British school, then you might need to reword some of the dialogue, e.g. “HOLY CRAP!” is very Americanised and...from my experiences, I don't think I've met a single person during my school life who's said holy crap, although there may have been one... :/ Anyway, the point is, know where your story is set and try and keep to the mannerisms of the region.
OK, the ending is slightly confusing. What happens to the main character? You haven't explicitly said anything, but from what I inferred, she is trapped inside the plastic model? And so where is the mind of Poly? In her body? Perhaps you should make that clearer.
OK, here are a list of edits which you cold make to improve the grammar of your story:
You know the one’s (ONES) you’re always tempted...
get you (YOUR) money back if you don’t think ‘oh no, what’s she planning now?
All of the names e.g. Baldric, Stiggy etc. need to have punctuation after them.
"It’ll be okay, you hear me." Should be "It’ll be okay, you hear me?" I think...
Poly grabbed a pair of leads on the desk and thrust them into Leo (LEO'S) chest.
and Leos (LEO'S) scream cutting straight through me.
my arm waving franticly (FRANTICALLY)
Phew. I know that the Review Game thingy is for quick fix, one like, and one dislike, but hey, you don't really get detailed or enough feedback from that.
Hope this was helpful!
~ Sakina x
| J.Szewczuk chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
I really enjoyed this story. It was quite entertaining and funny. It even made me chuckle a few times. I absolutely loved the very last line.
The only complaint I have arises during the part where the narrator and Leo are trying to name Polyman. I realize they are going back and forth choosing names, but it becomes confusing trying to remember who is speaking. By the very end, I was unable to distinguish which one of the two came up with the name.
| spacebound chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
That's creepy. I like how freaky it was, it's interesting, and pretty intense. I hadn't expected her to die, that was a nice twist. I just wonder if you needed a bit more explaination? I'm just wondering how she was possessed, and how Poly came alive. Of course, it may just be me overthinking, because it does add a sort of mystery. ]
| RazorStar chapter 1 . 4/16/2009
This is quite the nightmare fuel story. You gave it such a wonderful close that I almost feel bad about pointing out some things you may need to work on. When you were having that dialogue train for what to name polyman, even if it wasn't every line, it'd still be nice to be reminded who's speaking as it's very easy to lose track. I love the concept though, and would like to see a continuation of this... if just to see more people brutally murdered by stickmen.
| improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
For the RG:
(first reaction): Hm...they should have called him polydude. Nothing can become evil when there's a 'dude' in it's name - nothing I tell you!
Ahem... and now to the proper review...
Eegads! That was creepy. On the whole, I really enjoyed this, but there are few little niggles I'd like to share:
The first problem I had was that I don't actually know what a polymod is (my problem - not yours really), so imaging this creepy, psychotic little construction was a bit of a shaky task for me. Is there anyway you could write in a descriptive clue/specification as to what polymods are?
The second was a tiny thing - towards the end, as the students prepare for their showdown with polyman:
"Everything was quiet, and still, and for some reason I noticed his shirt was tattered where the glass had cut it, revealing his toned body."
I don't know why, but that last bit was a real mood killer... it's one of those literary mysteries, but it just really didn't work. I get the point your trying to make, but I'd already established in my mind that Leo was meant to be quite yummy, so having it reinforced at a time that should have building dread and suspense caused a bit of a jolt. This is, of course, subjective - ten other readers may come along and claim that line is the creme of the story - it's just my opinion.
The characters are by far the highlight in this story - when the dialogue gets going between Leo and the girl (if she had a name, I accidentally skimmed it, sorry...), the story becomes completely devourable - you just want to know what happens next, whether their being fun and cute, or preparing to die. The silent evil of polyman is also, in a twisted way, quite humorous.
Considering I know you rattled this out today (I presume this is a first draft?) this is a good little oneshot. I always love the ones that are both creepy and funny.