Reviews for The Eternal Divinity Part 1: Eve of Destruction
Layla the fiend chapter 21 . 2/20/2010
I'm going to have violent sex with you now. You, as in the author. Hope you don't mind.
Layla the fiend chapter 20 . 2/20/2010
oh my God you suck so hard
Layla the fiend chapter 19 . 2/20/2010
Layla the fiend chapter 18 . 2/19/2010
Kaden REALLY needs to bang the hell out of Talia. Violently. M, BDSM...

I mean, whut?
Layla the fiend chapter 12 . 2/19/2010
WOO! Loved the end of this chapter, just loved it.

...He should screw her brains out.

I mean, whut?
Layla the fiend chapter 11 . 2/19/2010
I think Kade should sex Talia.

I mean, whut?
Plej chapter 1 . 2/6/2010
This is looking pretty good. :) I like your writing style and mood. It leaves a lasting impression of good characterization.
karma-dollie chapter 1 . 2/1/2010
I hope you don't mind reviews even when a story is complete. :P One of my favorite things about plots in the supernatural/fantasy/what-have-you category is that they're so full of potential because magic makes things awesome. Things exploding around this poor girl definitely piques interest.

You had a neat hook for the readers. I had to laugh at the whole beginning scene in bed. Immediately afterwards though, the writing felt a bit monotonous for a short while as you wrote about how "she did this and then she did that and then this and then that." Just be careful of making every aspect of Talia's life that's worth mentioning interesting to the reader. No one likes a list of boring activities.

Something else to watch out for is the use of adverbs. They can enhance a sentence, sure, but when overused, they just make writing sound lazy. You want to show your audience what's going on, not just tell them.

[The cupcakes exploded violently all over her shirt.] When something explodes, it's safe to assume the explosion was pretty violent, hence why you used the word "explode" rather than "pop" or something.

[“Hell no,” she said coldly.] Again, saying "Hell no" tends to make the reader assume she's angry and adding "coldly" doesn't do anything except make the writing sound redundant.

[“Not much,” he gestured at her panzarotti.] Careful with dialogue tags. Actions aren't dialogue tags so when you have the comma after dialogue like this, it's followed by "said" or some form of a said book-ism since it's something being spoken and not performed.

For narration, it seems a bit too casual at times. I understand the narrator is an eighteen year old girl, but some parts like when she's changing clothes after the muffin incident feel too informal for narration and pull the chapter down.

Overall, I think the story is nice. I hope there's more characterization for Alan and maybe even Diane since she seems important to his characterization. I like Talia as a character. It can be hard to make the orphan teen with magic(?) thing less cliche than it is, but so far, she doesn't seem to dwell on her life of misery and woe, which is good for keeping her from being whiny and a character we wouldn't want to read about it. No, she seems to have other things on the mind like Bennett. :)

Also, I'm curious why things explode around Talia and I sort of wish it wasn't stated bluntly and then forgotten for the rest of the chapter. It seems connected to her emotions so I'd think something might've gone kablooey during lunch and made that scene just a little more exciting.

The end was sweet. I was about to be quite upset with that boy, but his character has been redeemed. And left us with a bit of a cliffhanger. Always good for pulling readers back. I think he's connected to the blowing up of things. XD Good job.

If you ever care for more feedback on your stories, feel free to check out the Review Game forum for some excellent critique.

Blackers chapter 2 . 1/31/2010
hm.“you dont know me but i know all about you.” these people, whoever they might be are not comforting at all. they need to explain some thangs.
Blackers chapter 1 . 1/31/2010
i got a feelin that this guy is not what he seems like not what he seems like i got a feelin that a fateish things gonna take place and a prophocy is to be somhow filled i got a feelin that some of thoughs songs were downloaded iligalyeah thats the first time ive ever sung a reveiw. i like the story so far
Sarruby chapter 1 . 1/18/2010

I like how thing just "explode". Bennett seems nice.

The iPod is a creative gift, since it has all the songs.

Please keep writing!
nellco chapter 21 . 1/2/2010
I am curious for Part 2 :D

Good story. Interestings twists and nice images (e.g. Japan and the lake). I wish I had your fantasy and creativity... sigh ;-)
victoria chapter 21 . 1/1/2010
What the hell! Seriously Maya? You can't end a story like that! And now we have to wait an entire month for a PREVIEW of the next chapter, that is so not fair. I liked the plot twist there but there's so much more we all NEED to know, way to end a story in a complete cliff hanger. (But you know it's still awesome)
Tishy chapter 21 . 12/31/2009
SO Embarrassing and um I don't like bennett anymore! U can kill him off anytime noww k cause i'll be just fine and dandy... and I'm just gonna stop asking for plot details cause they never seem to be what I expect.. but i still can't get keep it coming! HAPPY NEW YEAR! in about 5 more hours!
CATM chapter 21 . 12/31/2009
Wow! I honestly didn't think there could be a bigger cliffy than the last chapter - but you've managed to do it! :P I can't wait for the rest of the story and I have no idea how I'm going to wait until the end of January to read more - I guess I'll just have to go back and re-read The Eternal Divinity so that I'm ready for the rest. So proud of you for finishing the entire story! Happy New Year and ttyl! C.
138 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 4 5 .. Last Next »