Reviews for Pinholes
taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Greetings from Gossip Forum.

Opening paragraph is okay. Eccentric bat, long suffering grandchild. We have the characters and the conflict.

I like how she advances Grandma's story by prompting her to what is the inevitable next topic.

"Yes and No began to compete in a morally epic battle inside my head, hurling excuses at one another with deadly accuracy." This is too lyrical for the character so far. The voice so far has been one of an intelligent but practical woman, who has far too much to do and trying to do them all at once.

Powerful ending. It has an odd quality to it - as an author, it hits me once the 'wow' is done washing over that the original box's holes were about light. Yes, in re-reading it, it's originally for her/them to breathe, but the parting impression was that the holes were for light.

See, this is where having fellow authors read don't simulate having normal people read it.

Overall, it's incredible. Very powerful. The telling is very strong. The character's voice comes through quite clearly.
Eponine254 chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
This is beautiful. You've managed to pack a lot of emotion as well as some suspense into a very short piece. The contrast between the rambling old lady and the cynical narrator is brilliantly done, and I really felt Linda's guilt at the end. Very well done!
sophiesix chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
Having read too many fantasy fics, I was waiting for the twist where we find out they do live in a shoebox or something, so your final twist was that much more hard hitting for it actually being real. you nicely conveyed how hard it is to draw teh line between supporting someone's fantasy world and maintaining your own sense of self. How sad, and yet, how sort of fitting, that teh destruction of one brought about the destruction of her whole being. that said, i didn't get much of a sense of why it was so important to her that Granny Ofie (thought she) lived past the end of the world... a minor niggle, because i don't suppose we are meant to understand her position exactly. You used thoughts speech action, baration and description to build this piece really beautifully, with no excess language and a lovely tension. I really enjoyed teh little snippets of reality, like teh egg cooking, so i missed them when the dialogue ogt kinda heavy. obviously that was important because Linda forgot about them, but she could glare at teh wall or omething else that brought teh surroundings back to us and broke up the dialogue a little? i'd agree with E.s., Lundgrn about teh 'i killed...' line, it did seem a little awkward.

A wonderful real and sad flight of fancy! thanks!
Cassie1521 chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
Wow, your characterization was incredible. The characters felt real, and the way you described them and told their story was great. The twist at the end is good, and it is dark and thrilling. I liked it a lot :D The only thing I'd suggest is fixing the ending a bit, it's not very believable the way Linda narrates it. But great work!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
Wow, this was a very richly written story. I like it because it took a situation that I think a lot of people have to experience regarding both sides of the relationship between Linda and her Grandma-many have to experience losing their parents/grandparents at some point in their life and it really brings up the proximity of death and how it will eventually happen to everyone-yuck, a topic I hate to think about! But it must be discussed and it must be written, and I like the direction you took with it, especially concerning the imagery you employed with the idea of pinholes as stars and also the breathing holes in the casket, awesome way to finish the piece off at the end.

But the only thing I have to mention as far as constructive criticism is in fact, the ending. I felt the entire thing a little hokey when Linda narrated that she never talked to her Grandma again. I think it was the line "I killed Grandma Ofie"-I think that could be omitted maybe, and just leave the "Because of me" It felt very sudden and I'm not sure if I could take the line "I killed..." that seriously because it's such a ridiculous notion. Then again, it obviously did have a huge emotional toil on both of them so in that respect I still think it's believable that she did die later that night. The remorse Linda feels is a little rushed but I think by the last line you come out of it gracefully.

Really great one-shot, it read like a real short story and it was very polished. Well done!
Ms.Sweet Pea chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Wow this is a really good one shot. Its kind of depressing for me a lil but great! It didnt flow completly for me. Maybe a little proff read and add tiny extra details but overall: 8! :)
ephemeral dance chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Oh, wow... This was incredibly dark and moving, and I absolutely loved it. Grandma Ofie's descriptions of the "end of the world" were so lovely that I felt like I could see it right before my eyes- it actually reminded me very much of a dream that I had recently; a dream that scared and thrilled me at the same time.

But I digress. I enjoyed this very much. There were no technical errors that I could find, so this was pretty much perfect to me. Amazing job on this.

Also- welcome to the Roadhouse! We're a friendly bunch so I'm glad you decided to post! X3

- Sarah
bunnypopcorn chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Wow, that was so beautifully tragic. It sort of reminded me of the Spiderman movie (Sorry XP). I liked how it seemed like she regretted saying it during their silence when it wasn't even expressed. It's amazing :').

I can't find anything to criticize :).
HIRA TANVEER chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Oh wow! That is the best short story I've read yet! Both Linda and Grandma Ofie are wonderfully written though I liked Ofie more. Linda was really relatable, maybe because I know old ladies like Ofie (minus the hallucinations).

The descriptions were great. I loved the amount of detail in the hallucination. The Gretchen-Linda thing was good too. I also liked the ashtray memory, I wanted to smack Linda there.

The last line was absolutely great.
Inkspilled chapter 1 . 12/4/2009
Oh, that's so sad. Very well written, enough that I could really feel for the characters. It's very interesting, the fake memory. That was painted so clearly, though I could see it happening in my mind. It really made me think, I mean I've never heard of anyone saying that in that situation. I'd wonder what would happen. But, anyways, great story; just all in all.
Zak Crimsonleaf chapter 1 . 11/30/2009
Hm. A rather dark story indeed. And I think the best part about it was the realism of the situation. While obviously it may not be completely accurate with regards to real symptoms of dementia, which I have no idea about, it was still very effective at conveying the idea of a shattered mind as compared to a whole one. What I didn't like was the downer ending, but that's just me. I suppose if I had to go further, I'd say that the end seemed a little coincidental. While it's certainly possible, it isn't very probable. But the laws of narrative probability are a mess, so I don't have a huge issue with that.
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
That was incredibly powerful. I've got to say well done for writing something as brilliant as this. It actually made me cry, which isn't easy to do. All the while I was reading I was dreading what the ending would bring.

And when it arrived it was just the right length. And you used the right words, and everything.

Wow.
Farnblorp chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
That was a very sad story. I can relate to the grandmother in more ways than I'd like to (though my medicine seems to work much more effectively than hers). I really liked the detail you put into the Grandma Ofie's hallucination. Having experienced bizarre sensory mix-ups and false memories of my own (though nothing to that degree), I've got to say it was a very believable story. There were a few places where the words didn't seem to flow very well:

"I heard her sniff. Was she crying? Surely not." - Have you ever heard of an EM dash? It is used kind of like a semicolon and looks like a long hyphen (Maybe it's just FP, but all of your hyphens look long. Were you using EM dashes?) Using one between the first two sentences would make that flow better.

"I wanted to say something. But I didn’t trust myself" - Should that be a comma instead of a period?

There were a few others but I can't find them anymore. And anyway, I think I'm going a bit too in-depth for a 'quick fix'. Hope you don't mind - I really loved the story. Nice work :)
Adrenalin chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
This story is not bad, but I feel like it could use some further development. The end is particularly abrupt.

Two things that don't make sense to me: it's nine in the morning when the story starts, and you write that "Maybe you’re right, Linda. Thank you. The last thing Grandma Ofie ever said to me." Doesn't from nine to the night makes it a long time to stay without talking? Except if Linda and Grandma Ofie don't live together, but that point is rather unclear.

Also, Linda's the narrator: when she speaks, she calls her grandma 'Gramma' but in the rest of the story it's 'Grandma Ofie' and I don't understand why.

What I liked is the imagery: the description Grandma Ofie makes of the end of the world is rather poetic, and the parallel with the last sentence is well written. I also think you did well with describing Linda's frustration.

So, maybe working a little on the last three phrases. Not the last one. I maintain that the last line is great. You're forbidden from touching the last line.

You're also forbidden from touching the first line, actually. Your first line is magnific, because you reel the reader in right here, and once you've read that line, you can't help reading the rest of the story, I think.
Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 5/9/2009
I liked the beginning of this, although I did get to a point where I did wonder what exactly was going on. You kept the pace going though and everything became clear.

"I'm not Gretchen' was a nice twist, and Grandma's defeated, "May be you're right'. Was sad, but very real. In fact both characters and their reactions were really believeable.

Personally I would have liked a bit more description about things like smell and colours to make it more tactile. I did really enjoy this though, and the last line was fantastic.