|Reviews for The Pirate's Legacy: New Identities|
| Mak chapter 22 . 2/20
I'm sad Michael won't be with them, but I understand why he can't be.
And he wants to be there to protect her... but I bet he'll never admit that right now.
"The Cola trees were unique than those of other forests..." - more unique or just different... saying unique sounds strange in that sentence
Ha! Roger had to "save" Em... though really catching her to keep her from falling is not exactly what I had in mind.
"As the posion from its claws seeped into the body through the bloodstream, the victim's body violently..." - body violently shook and salivary froth excreted from the mouth - change in tense sounds strange here. Or probably better would be - the victim's body would violently shake and salivary froth excrete from the mouth.
"The hairs on the back of Em's neck rose in sheer terror by the loud bull cry..." - I'd say from the loud bull cry or because of but that's just me... what you've got is fine
"After hours of hiking up bumpy hills and going down rocky cliffs... " - may want to look into making this sentence two or work on the wording. It's a lot of words in a single sentence. I'd almost stop after large river and then put the rest in another sentence so it's not so bulky.
"Neither of them knew how much longer they had to travel..." - not really true, he told them they were a third of the way there. So they at least have an idea if nothing else.
So Roger was right and Hox is up to no good.
Well at least they tried to win.
They did find the rebels, too bad everyone thinks they're the bad guys. :)
I imagine punching Hox would really hurt.
Yay! It's Leo!
| Mak chapter 21 . 2/7
I figure Roger would be the one to shut Diamante up if anytone.
Roger's being a butt. :)
Interesting postal system.
Well I can see why a man who hangs out with birds all day would like birds more than people.
"The keeper turned around closed the door behind him." - and closed the door...
Ew I wouldn't want to get a tattoo just to prove my loyalty... I bet it'd hurt. But I guess if that's what it took to not have someone kill me or distrust me, I'd do it.
Well this was a fun setup chapter.
| Mak chapter 20 . 1/12
I'm glad Michael's smart enough to realize any sort of relationship must be hidden from the delegate.
A jealous twin is never good.
I'm not so sure if Diamante knows what he's getting himself in for if he thinks cracking the puzzle of Dread Robin is a good idea.
I wish she had better control too. I was hoping she could be a cold bitch to him really, but I guess we can't always get what we want. :)
He should just straight forwardly tell her now what he did. Since she didn't seem to want to put it all together.
I think Em knows that Diamante can't know, but then, she may also not care since she is still pretending that she thinks she's going to be with him in the end and not the queen.
Well at least she's telling him now that she loves him, even if he doesn't want to hear it.
I understand that feeling (the pain in her chest). It's finally come once this whole hot and cold thing has started with Roger.
I think he'd deny it for her benefit more than because he regrets it... but I guess he'd never let her know that.
| Mak chapter 19 . 1/12
Poor Diamante. He's got a rough time ahead of him.
Michael and all his scheming to keep making Em and Roger interact. :)
I really enjoyed Em and Michael's conversation and their ignoring the delegate. :) That was fun dialogue.
Mmm... rotting flesh
I enjoy having Diamante there to educate us on the blindness of the monster.
Well I guess if Em were paying close attention, she'd now know that Roger and Calypso got it on... now she might not realize that also means that Roger and Malva got it on but still...
Okay so she clearly does know that it was from Portunus to kill Roger, but does she really realize what that means? I mean, I'd be FURIOUS even if we were "broken up" at the time. Unless, of course, he really is over her and there's nothing more there.
I find it interesting that Diamante knows how to sword fight. I'd think he'd only have theoretical experience if even that on the subject.
Wow. He let her have his gun. That's gotta mean something, right? :P
Ah well that explains his sword skills.
I love that Diamante is so stupidly proper and yet here he is on a pirate ship... hehe
Silly Roger still holding himself back.
I still think Em should be mad... but that's about things that I'm not really sure if she's even realized.
| Mak chapter 18 . 1/12
Ah Diamante, I'd forgotten about him. I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the person that they would send with her.
I think Roger deserves the cold shoulder from Em. Or at least cold words and tone whenever she has to talk to him.
How fun to become a magistrate. I guess...
Good she does have a cold tone. :)
I love that Roger's upset with the idea of her sleeping in the same area as the men... I mean, obviously it's a bad idea, but still.
Poor Diamante. Roger sure can be scary.
I think it's nice that Daryl and Craig are different. It makes them more interesting.
Michael is a very interesting person. very intelligent.
| Mak chapter 17 . 1/12
Well good thing Roger has proof... kind of...
Funny that Cecil trusts Roger... if anything I'd think he'd hate him and trust him less than anyone else does.
Ah but it'd be so nice to be able to come back later and tell them all I told you so. That is, once the Draconians have taken over their city-states.
Haha. I like how Roger was like, wait a minute, how'd I get dragged into this crazy person mission?
"You will be in Tarym, ruled by your half-Draconians sister..." - half-Draconian
So all Em needs to do is throw other men's names out and that'll make Roger come with her? haha
Good thing Michael was the lookout and not some one else or she'd have had a hard time getting on the ship.
I like that she realizes it's a disaster in the making on the parts of the gods.
It's interesting to me that she still feels compassion for Annalyn who is out to kill her.
Well at least Roger is practical and logical, though I really am ready for them to get over their stupidity... but really I'm not because if it was enough for them to break up then they'd better not get back together super fast.
I'm glad to see that Roger's lying to her still.
So he's swearing to himself and his goddess that he isn't going to get emotionally attached to Em again... good luck with that, Roger.
Well at least Michael isn't lying to anyone anymore...
| Mak chapter 16 . 1/12
I don't really think Roger would ever leave Michael behind. Unless it was part of some plan.
Haha. Em's a known theif. Forgot about that...
I find it interesting the only bounty hunters and pirates know about the poster. I guess it's possible though that the more upstanding citizens just don't look at those sorts of things.
I hope the court scribe isn't having to write those accounts by hand... that would be nearly impossible and definitely a miserable task.
I'd like to hear more about this Great Revolution. From what did they revolt? The Gods?
"Em bit her bottom lip as she walking aimlessly in search of the pirates..." - walked aimlessly
Glad to see her backbone. I quite enjoy it.
And apparently so does Roger...
she needs to tell Roger to stop sending her mixed messages. He's either back or he's not...
| Mak chapter 15 . 1/12
Boys are dumb... Michael not telling anyone he's hurt is silly.
I love how stingy Roger is with his money. :)
I find it interesting that the Twins brought the bounty poster to Roger. But I guess he now knows that they know... though I wonder that he doesn't get annoyed with Michael for not telling him that they knew sooner.
Ironic that Roger would hear that verse when he's coming back to her...
Poor befuddled Roger. I'm glad his only instinct isn't to just strangle her.
Well at least they're not just happy with one another without any conflict... that'd just make me madder at the two of them.
Michael is the only one of them with any sense so I'm glad Roger knows that. P
Well at least Michael and Roger are friends again. :)
| Mak chapter 14 . 1/11
Meh. I don't blame Michael all that much. I mostly blame Em for hiding the truth. Sure he went with it, but really he was only going along with it because of Em. I mean, he loved her or at least thought he did at first.
Interesting to "see" the changes Annalyn's made.
Love that he's not going to give them time to pray... true Roger behavior.
And now the name of the ship makes sense.
Oh just losing a mast... nothing important. :)
Well at least the Draconians are the ones who had to retreat.
| Mak chapter 13 . 1/11
I can't blame the crew for not wanting to come back.
I imagine if the captain were there... we'd have a few dead people on board. Probably for the best that he's not around.
I love that Craig already knows that Michael knew but just wants confirmation.
Pft. Roger can do whatever he wants, he's a pirate. :) And if Em's the queen... she can also do whatever she wants, though it might piss a few people off along the way.
I also feel like he's betrayed her. The ass. :)
Not sure why selling is italicized... when talking about what the prostitutes are selling.
Ironic that the name of the inn is the Wicked Wench when that's an apt description for Malva in my mind...
Well at least Calypso knows what is going on with Portunus.
Funny that she sends him right back to Em really after getting what she wanted from him...
There... she told him to do his damn job and stop having a fit. :) But it is still funny that she's sending him right back to Em.
Glad that Roger's done with his pouting fit. P
| Mak chapter 12 . 1/10
Ah Roger again.
glad the crew has something to blame Em for.
Well now Roger thinks about all the drinking he's been doing.
I do agree with Roger... why couldn't she tell him. The little idiot. I mean, how can you love someone without feeling comfortable enough to tell them everything about yourself?
I imagine he knows why she's to blame for Em.
Ugh. And now I hate Roger again. Going to Malva is the worst thing he could do. And then never mentioning that to Em is even more annoying to me.
Bah... at least you follow that up with Cicero... and I hate Cicero a lot more so that was good planning on your part. I've now transferred my attention to him.
Poor Selene. I imagine it really sucks to wake up one day and find out that you raised a crappy kid. But there's only so much you can do.
I imagine her justice wouldn't be very fun or fair for Selene.
PS. I hate all the males in this chapter just so you know...
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 3 . 1/8
[...that Roger wouldn't be so welcoming to having her finding him while in this vulnerable...] I would revise this. Lots of "ing" going on in this sentence, and it can be more concise.
The first half of this chapter feels choppy. The sentences are very short and there isn't much variety in the sentence structure (a problem I often face myself). Once Em discovers Malva, the pace and flow return.
[...the he cared for Michael were brotherly...] "was" for "were"
It's nice to see a younger Roger who loves Em without the distance her position creates. Obviously that will be interrupted sooner rather than later...
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 2 . 1/6
[...or hid from view from the Pirate King...] I think this could be more concise. Maybe "hid from the view of the Pirate King" or "hid from the Pirate King".
[All of this went unnoticed on Roger...] Went unnoticed "by" Roger.
[...that he unwilling had felt when her screams...] Replace "unwilling" with "unwillingly".
[...that unless Em confessed to him herself about the visions...] The second half of this sentence is a bit cumbersome. I would consider rewording it.
[Don't be too harsh on Jonathan.] Consider using "hard" instead of "harsh".
[...over the rim of his cup with slightly narrow eyes...] "narrowed" instead of "narrow"
[...his feeling for you to you...] The consecutive phrases are awkward. You could cut the "to you".
[seeing the prostitute to close in proximity to Em.] Possibly a missing "o" in "too". May just need revision.
And in the next sentence, make sure that your tense is consistent throughout the sentence. I think "glaring" should be "glared" to match the verbs earlier.
This chapter is much funnier when you know who Malva truly is. Your writing improves here-you seem more comfortable in this chapter than the last. Most of my suggestions are general phrasing, preposition choice, and things I'm sure you would notice with your own editing. I hope it is helpful!
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 1 . 1/6
It seems that FictionPress has a new feature to prevent people from copying text from a story. I'll have to make do without it.
It's interesting to come back to an early story. Your writing has improved, and I'm accustomed to the almost-flawless flow of your later chapters. Here, it's a bit stiff. Particularly, ["The tension in the chamber was to the point of being unbearable."] seems a little awkward.
[...and then to their last surviving son, before...] Omit the comma before "before".
[...groveling pardon for that vile who...] I would revise this phrase and replace "for" with "from".
[...none of her words had registered on him...] Perhaps change "on" for "to". In my head, it still doesn't sound correct, so I would confirm that is the correct preposition.
[...It was a year ago since you found her...] Awkward phrasing. Omit either "ago" or "since".
[...I should have drowned you as a babe had I known...] Replace "should" with "would".
[...his last words to her, before he left.] Remove the comma.
This chapter seems a little theatrical. I wish I understood better why Cicero and Cecil are so angry and why certain statements cause certain reactions. Otherwise, their explosions of emotion seem a little over the top. Something to consider as you revise.
| Mak chapter 11 . 12/16/2013
"Now was the time to find her backbone if she was going to take the help and sail through the next chapter in her turbulent life." - Strong Em. This is the Em I like. :)
It's funny that Em made digs about Cecil's weight. No respect for her elders... but then, I guess she'd get more respect than him anyway.
Well I'm glad to see Em is recovered too.
I bet Roger could still sneak past his guards somehow.
I do think Annalyn can be smart with her plans to get rid of her opposition.
Well Annalyn wants to marry someone like herself... kind of...
And likely because of her wardrobe... the treasury is now empty. :)
Good timing on Em's part since the third session is just about to start.
I'm also proud of Em for putting her womanly theatrics to the side and stepping up her game. (I imagine Roger might refer to them as such).
I'm sure Calypso will keep an eye on Roger...no need to worry about that. Unless she's still upset with him for choosing Em I guess... but then, he's given her up for now.