Reviews for USA to Tokyo
jjjjjjj chapter 8 . 12/4/2009
umm i liked it but i think that iris is kind of a marysue also japan isnt actually like that
SnowyDew chapter 2 . 11/14/2009
I am highly disappointed, I am sorry to say. Since the premise of the story looked highly promising I expected something wonderful but not only is the Japanese mostly wrong but the story flow does not really have any character or "flow" to it. Good job thinking it up though. Wish it would have been done better.
n0irangelZ13 chapter 4 . 11/2/2009
umm... no corrections but there are still lessons k?

Lesson 1.4 is Story

In making stories. You should first pick a good summary. 2nd think of a title to accompany it.

now.. when making the body or chapters, you should put an introduction with a welcoming speech... this attracts the reader and pursues to read your story. in the middle, you should put a thrilling part to refresh your reader's mind.

I suggest that you must have some spaces so that the reader will not give efforts on going back to one word all over again...

n0irangelZ13 chapter 3 . 11/2/2009
AHH... Gomen

These are the corrections for chapter 3

Lesson 1.2 is order of adjectives

In order of Adjectives... You should have the proper words adding the suffix -ish to the word.. Example..

The wrong order in your story is

1. longish brown hair...

You should know that there are words to be considered... instead you should put "brownish long hair" you can also put more descriptive words such as elegant, gorgeous, Wonderful, mesmerizing not needing to put the suffix -ish

Lesson 1.3 is colors or differences between words.

Brown is different from amber.. you could also use chocolate for brown..

Anime is also different from manga... "Anime" is the short word for "Animated" now animated means in motion... "Manga" on the other hand is different. Manga concludes to an unAnimated cartooning or drawing... Each column only illustrates the main topic of what the artist concludes in her mind.. okay...



/end of the chapter/

Me: Did you enjoyed it..

You: Yeah..

Me: I hope we won't get angry for what she did coz she thinks she is a teacher who knows all...
n0irangelZ13 chapter 2 . 11/1/2009
ara... Gomen.. gomen desukara..


The wrong words in your story of chapter 2 are

Doko es basu? it should be "Doko ni Basu Desuka"

Doko es taku? should be "Doko ni anata no Taku desu?"

putting *desu on the end of a sentence shows respect to Japanese people...

ne! okay :D
Mrs. Hall chapter 1 . 9/2/2009
Clever and inviting opening to the story. I especially like the creative use of names that suggest the character; for example, Morin and Baga.

I suggest not using abbreviations like OMG. It takes away from the formal tone of your piece. The abbreviation hints this is an informal text message.

Keep going.
Imi chapter 6 . 8/21/2009
Hi! I think that you're trying really hard with this story, and that's great. There's just a few things... Your idea of Japan is kind of screwed up. It's not really like a magic amusement park where the trees are made of Pocky and chibis decorate every available surface. Also, it's kind of unrealistic that every single person she meets seems to speak English perfectly. The main idea of the story (being lost in a foreign country with no way to get home) is really good, however, it's not very likely that it would happen to a 14-year-old girl. A high school or college student would be more ,why would any family anywhere somewhat randomly accept the presence, in their home, of a young girl that their daughter found at a bus station? Why would Amaya's parents not immediately call Iris's parents and inform them of their daughter's whereabouts? Furthermore, what sane people would allow a foreign girl to stay in their house for several weeks while trying to earn her way home? Plane tickets are really expensive, Iris' American folks would either come pick her up or just wire her the money.

It's good that you tried to depict many different facets of daily life in Japan, but they're, again, not realistic. Even in fantasy stories, people don'thire 14 year old girls with no documentation, then pay them approximately 23 cents for four hours of work. Also, why would Amaya's school just take the sudden appearance of a random gaijin girl in stride and seamlessly integrate her into their environment.

Your idea for this story is good, but it really needs a lot of work. I noticed that it got better as it went on though,so yay! w
mei-yasasame chapter 5 . 7/30/2009
Another brilliant chapter! A little short but it will have to do for my story reading rabis! *foams at the mouth while reading the story* Anyways, please continue and best of luck!
18thcenturynerd chapter 5 . 7/29/2009
wow, this story is soo good. update soon!
Daniel Seifert chapter 2 . 6/18/2009
I'm sorry, but I'll be horribly blunt because I really think you need this to develop as a writer.

Firstly, the layout and grammar as a whole isn't great. The second chapter is randomly double-spaced and dialogue isn't separated, making the entire thing needlessly difficult to read. This part in particular took me four tries to understand:

"“So tell me. What do you mean your

supposed to be in New York?” she asked with a curious look on

her oval face.

“WOW!” she said with wide o shaped eyes. “Yah.” I mumbled."

I'm assuming you meant to include some sort of description of how Iris came to be in Tokyo, but you can't just assume the reader will know that. Using too many speech tags like "she said" can mislead and confuse the reader.

The third chapter has all these breaks half way through a sentences which really interrupts the flow, while the fourth chapter was nothing but walls of text. Consider using paragraphs to organize your thoughts.

As others have already said, get somebody to check your Japanese over first. I don't think any of it was correct.

The plot itself is all over the place. I understand that a reader has to suspend disbelief to a certain degree when reading something, but this is pushing it. Iris randomly ending up in Japan is ridiculous enough, but meeting some other girl at a bus stop who decides to take her in is mind-boggling. This would be weird in any circumstance, but given the reserved nature of Japanese people, it's even more bizarre.

What really did me in though is your fantastical interpretation/obsession with Japan. I get the feeling that you honestly imagine Japan to be this whimsical fairyland where everything is perfect and anime reigns supreme. Your description of Tokyo plays directly into this. The city doesn't revolve around neon chibi signs and girls in matching school-girl uniforms (despite what many may believe), it's a place where real people live with real lives, real problems, and real traditions.

Now, with all that said, I strongly suggest you do research before continuing this story. Interpret this review in any way you see fit. It wasn't meant to be insulting, but I feel like people are sugar coating what they say in nearly every review. I wish you all the best luck with future writing.
mei-yasasame chapter 4 . 6/18/2009
HEY! Loved it as usual. I am so into the whole love thing going on in their group. SO exciting. MWAHAHA! I hate the preps, though hypocritically, I am one so, well I'm not snobby at least!
n0irangelZ13 chapter 1 . 5/23/2009
Hi! My name is Jakeia Kho The Real One

I like the story and thank you also for letting me 'beta-read' your story... well I haven't even put a story here but i have lots of ideas to make a story. Anyway to the topic now.

My ancestors came from the clan of Kho family, and... The clan I came from has the bloodline of Fujiwara which means I am 1/4; Spanish, Japanese, Chinese and Filipino. Also our clan carries the bloodline of the great Misaki Fujiwara, she is good in Arts of drawing, music, plants, culinary, and she is good at writing stories.
mei-yasasame chapter 3 . 5/18/2009
Woot woot. The suspense is killing me. This chapter is so very great and well written. I can't wait to see how Junko's character develops! And it's all taking place in Japan! I LOVE YOU! Write more!

Mikayla chapter 2 . 4/23/2009
u told me to read this so i did. btw- it's mikayla: the girl at lunch who draws depressing pictures and always wears a green juicy jacket. I really like this story, very creative. Maybe i could draw Iris for you ;). anyway, point is, i liked it )
Tawny4eva chapter 1 . 4/23/2009
Hey Daphne. Finally mom said I could go on the computor! I really like the story so far- it has a good setting, and plot. Ill tell you some more constuctive critism at skool. Cya!- Luv Sofie
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