yay! I love how you used ral japanese incorporated in the story. It's very realistic. And just a bit of constructive critisism: don't jump around in the story, i was lost sometimes when she just boarded the plane and then she was outside? And then Amaya asked a question and suddenly the whole story was revealed, please say so. develop it a bit more. But it was really good and in no way am I trying to be a meaner. Anyway, it's great and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Your way of expressing thoughts is very good. Some of your grammar needs to be checked over. The creative side of what you wrote is outstanding. I look forward to reading the rest. Let me know when it is ready!

The story is great! I love your descriptions. You have very good details. Sentence structure is great and vocabulary(word choice)is wonderful. Just watch your spelling and word tense.

N.F (LA Teacher)

Heartless-love, your story is very good so far. Sounds like Iris is off to an interesting adventure. :)

N.F. (LA Teacher)

This review is not in any way an effort to discourage your writing. The story idea is a good one though the writing could use some cleaning up.

However, I DO have a problem with your Japanese. I currently live in Tokyo and am studying the language so I have some corrections.

"Where is the bus?" would be "basu wa doko desu ka". "Where is the house?" would follow the same format except one would probably use the word "ie" or "uchi" rather than "otaku" since otaku is the humble form for house which most students learning Japanese don't learn for a while.

Also, "San" is a very strange surname. Sounds more like Chinese or Korean really. In Japanese, -san is a suffix for names that is sometimes translated as Mrs./Ms. or Mr. For example, I am often called Mary-san so someone with the surname San would be San-san. Very odd.

My suggestion would be to not only have a beta-reader for grammar and stuff but also someone that has some knowledge of the language check over your story before posting.

Hey! I'm a fellow student of Japanese and I think it would be AWSOME if this happens to me. I give this story a thumbs up and hope that it continues. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Okay, there is way too much punctuation. Using the ... and ! is good for personal journaling but not stories. It just looks bad and is pointless. The unneeded capitalization makes it look rather messy. When dialog begins you should space so that it flows and is easy to tell who is speaking. ("Blah, blah, blah," he said turning to me. "Yes," I replied." Some people may not catch that the speech is trading off to another person and they may become confused as to who is speaking. And I just really hate it when people write "OMG" instead of "Oh my god or oh my goodness" in stories. I really do.

Please note, I am NOT saying these things to flame. I am saying these things to help you improve.