|Reviews for properly committing suicide, the surreal way|
| effervescent-sentiments chapter 1 . 4/27/2009
It's interesting how much stronger the beginning of this poem is than the end - I might suggest going through and cutting out anywhere that might've rambled? Any unneeded adjectives?
The line "all those freudian/things to wear under dresses" struck me as so clever, mostly because of Freud's sex obsession in his findings.
There were also so beautiful words in here. "Mermaid jeans" "Seeping out of organs into/flaccid bags of tissue"
The last line feels like relief, like a breath of air - which is, I think, what you meant. But instead of letting our eyes skip from the beginning to the end and hopscotch over the middle, I'd work to make the middle just as attention grabbing and holding. Work to keep us. :)
| Isca chapter 1 . 4/27/2009
"Like she cannot believe it is not butter." OH MY GOD! THIS LINE IS UNBELIEVABLE! :D
| Louis Denair chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
My, the vivid descriptions don't just tickle your emotions, they drive a lorry over your heart, they explore every area of your mind, disgust to pity, amusement to depression. Good work.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
I'm anamored with Dali, so often I've longed to be able to write about his work, but it feels like I would never do it justice.
The plethra of information that you give the reader is striking. Like sitting down with a total stranger for five minutes and having them spill everything inside of them out before you.
| Lux d'Marcs chapter 1 . 4/24/2009
Powerful, through and through. "she can't believe it's not butter"- three points for cynicism ;) And the use of birds in lines 9-16 is perturbing...
the time-travel backwards was an interesting twist. In some ways, it distracts from the first part of the poem; but then again, it still seems unavoidable and essential. I cannot decide how I feel about it :)
(insert pat on the back here)
| servatis-a-pereculum chapter 1 . 4/24/2009
Holy shit, this is some fantastic writing! I love it so much! I have nothing constructive to say, unfortunately, because I am in awe at how great and creative this is! I'd really like to know your cure for writer's block, because it's probably a good one!
| SEMMU chapter 1 . 4/22/2009
Wow! Awesome work. I was looking for a quick relief from writing quanitative foreign policy research papers. And I found it! That was truly poetic and amazingly original. Too bad these poly sci stiffs would $&! themselves if I added a little originality of color to this stuff. Anyways, gotta go. Great job. I'll critique if you like, if not, know I like your stuff. Write on!
| all you need is oxygen chapter 1 . 4/22/2009
"she cannot/believe it is not butter" - is it weird that i found that funny? i think maybe, a little.
i don't usually like long poetry - i lose focus and interest.
but this had an interesting theme, different from what i usually like, and i read it more like prose (though it works as poetry). i like it.
| Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 4/21/2009
and she can't _believe_ it's not butter!