Reviews for Not Another Cinderella Story
Lily Llynn chapter 1 . 5/8/2009
This is kinda like a fairytale, though. I like the creative fairy plot, but the sentences were really short and I wish there was more sentence variety and more substance. Still, I'm glad xoxluurve added this to our c2. (:
MaeMaes chapter 1 . 5/7/2009
Don't be discouraged by what I have to say. I am just pointing out to you things I think will make your writing better. You can take what I say and dump it, or look more into it.

To get to the point, I thought your idea was very original, but it could have been much more moving than I found it to be.

While I read it, I found Cassie's character very flat. The only emotions we saw were: indecision, her libido wanting to jump Prince Charlie's bones, and her insecurity (crying scene). Everything else was pretty monotone.

Perspective: first person, present? Most stories aren't in that format (which is fine on your part; you have all the right in the world to use it), but it ended up reading a lot like a diary, instead of something that was happening in-real-time. It could work, but you'd have to give some more thought to the way you describe things.

I found more issues with grammar than with spelling. You have a love for comma splices that needs to go, lol. A comma splice is when you join two independent clauses (or sentences), and instead of joining them with something stronger than a comma, you just leave the comma. This creates a comma splice and weakens the sentence.

"Once I’m twenty-one I can just stay in New Port for long periods of time, I won’t have to hurry back to Fairyland before six every day."

Either side of the comma is a complete sentence. If you want to leave the comma, you're gonna have to add a 'so' or something.

Okay, next: change up your sentence structure! It gets repetitive and tedious: I-, I-, I-. Everything starts with a subject, followed by verb, then completion of the action.

"I sometimes think of Prince Charlie and me, lying peacefully by the beach in our swimsuits. We look lustfully at each other before we realize there was nothing stopping us now and we devour each other and…"

See? "I..." "We..."

Most of your sentences have that format. When I say change it up, I mean you could fix it up something like:

"I sometimes think of Prince Charlie and me, lying peacefully by the beach in our swimsuits. Looking lustfully at one another, we'd realize there was nothing stopping us and begin to devour one another. Then, he'd..."

You don't have to change what you're saying. Just give its structure more variety, which keeps things from becoming always: I did, he did, we did, over and over.

The telling was very 2D. I want to see depth, but I didn't get it. And I feel you could have done much more with it by embellishing just a bit with some description. It's kind of awkward when you write in first person, and you only tell instead of show. I know that things need to be explained, but think of it like this:

First person POV means we're seeing out of her eyes, right? Okay, so when you start a regular day in the life of Aarushi, do you think in this fashion?

"I woke up. I heard my mother tinkering in the kitchen. Every morning this past week she's up before everyone else because my father had broken leg. My father had fallen down the stairs."

etc.

You wouldn't. You would already know all this information, so you'd probably think something more along the lines of:

"I woke up to the sounds of my mother tinkering in the kitchen. Again. I winced as I heard a pot bang against a counter. She really ought to stay out of the kitchen so early in the morning. Just 'cos Dad broke his leg didn't mean she had to cook breakfast for everyone else. I glanced at the clock and moaned before slumping under the sheets. Especially at seven in the morning."

You can give the same info, granted it's a bit wordier with the description. But it still conveys the information you wanted to tell, AND it also begins to add depth to your character. You can -hear- the tones of how she says things.

Most of your writing is just a telling of what's going on. We barely see any mention of setting, descriptions of what's around her, etc. That's not a bad thing, it just means that we as an audience are farther from the main character.

Okay, following that, you explained things in bulk in the beginning when you should ease it through with some description (in my opinion). So you could maybe follow Cassie through her day and explain it as it came up (much in the same was as the "woke up in the morn" example. It could drag, but that's where you - as the authoress - would employ your creativity and figure out a way to do all that is short and charming. :D

The change from lusting after PC to her "Wait, attention on History project" was jarring. Too sudden of a drastic subject change. My initial thought was: HOLY CRAP. She has enough time to explain all that in her head while she's supposed to be working on a history project? lol (wish I had time like that in class. D:)

PLEASE don't use parentheses in fiction. It's typically geared more towards formal writing. That isn't to say that you can't use 'em. With first person POV, you can definitely use them. But use them sparingly, and they will have more effect.

For example, "I quickly revert my attention to my History project, which my partner Steve (who I think is kind of cute with his dark hair and eyes.)"

Okay. Hyphens/dashes/etc. would work better here, in my opinion. You could say: "...my partner Steve - whom I think is kind of cute with his dark hair and eyes - has been doing alone ignoring... etc."

Also, if you're using parentheses, periods go on the outside (assuming your sentence ended with the end of the parentences - like this one ;D). In your parentheses in that example, you have a period. No need for it. :) (Unless it's like this. Outside the sentence.)

I just want to insert that I don't think your fic is bad. I just wanted to give you some thoughts and criticisms that I think will benefit you. And I apologize in advance if at any point I am harsher than I should be. I don't intend to be. :)

"I have been waiting for ten minutes at the Café next to Wisborne High and Steve is still not here."

Okay, so at this point, I basically have 0 emotional connection with her still. BUT! Good news. You can fix that. When you straight out tell a story, it loses depth. When you add just enough description, it can do wonders. It can round out the writing and give your characters more emotion and personality.

Straight out telling: I saw him walk by. He has a nice butt.

versus description: He walked by. Meeow. His perky butt was just asking for a groping, and my hand itched to be the volunteer.

The latter gives more to think about, gives the same information, but also shows a pervy/funny side of the person.

XDD Okay, I totally giggled over her best friend's name. Finzella.

Just 'cos you're writing in first person, doesn't mean you can get out of detail! I thought it was kind of ironic as I read. Usually first person makes the audience feel closer to the narrator, but I think it could have been executed better. Meaning, I know you can do better than this.

Give us a setting! Describe some surroundings. I don't need pages of description as to where she is. But I don't want just names of buildings. Proper setting illustration can totally add or detract from the tone of whatever else is going on.

"Our lips meet and I can feel it all the way down to my toes. He parts my lips with his tongue and without thinking, I just let him, mesmerized. The sensation I feel when his tongue explores my mouth is more wonderful than anything I’ve ever experienced. Every nerve in my body is aware, awake, feeling this. I hold on to him as hard as possible as his hand goes up and down my back. This was so blissful so…"

I found the first kiss kind of not naive. Gimme description! Explain what she's thinking as this is happening. If she isn't 'cos he fried her neurons, then okay. Fine. XD But, it's her FIRST KISS. That's HUGE for girls. Usually.

"“I’m sorry” I say. And these are the first and only words I’ve spoken to him.

He shrugs."

Description! I know that I tend to get too wordy with description in my own fics, but there is something about just the right amount that really adds more breadth to a fic. Really. I know you said you rushed through this, but don't lose the magic by omitting the very thing that ties us to the characters.

Okay, to sum up: I thought your story could have had your audience wringing their hands and going: AGH if you played more with the emotions. And I don't mean just whining and crying to her BFF about what to do. I mean, really. Explain the emotions. Also, when you include the scene where she's crying because she has no idea what's going on and is lost that her friend, Steve, is leaving - I felt you could have explained more. (Wanted to point out specific points in the story that ought to be fleshed out.)

It felt really sudden. Like, it's what is expected of Cassie. Boy is basically on the verge of ditching her. So, yes, she cries because she can't handle it.

I want to feel her emotions! So, show me. Don't just tell me.

"I pin him down to his wall and cut him off with a kiss."

That's not bad. Good use of verbs. Show her aggression. This is telling. Show!

"His back hit the wall followed by the fwosh of breath. Then all was silent except for the beating of my heart as I cut him off with a kiss."

Etc.

Okay, I'll leave it at that.

I do like the ending, although it's predictable. I like her parting line, and actually think it would be a stronger ending if it ended at, "No, Steve, this is like reality."

And, I know I reiterate some things (like the description, showing not telling, etc.), but that's just me trying to explain to you how important all that is - to me, anyway.

I think if you could incorporate any of the things I've told you, if you agree with any of it at all, that your stories could get much better. They would be tighter and draw in the readers much more. :) But, again, as I said, this is my opinion, a
Vena Cava chapter 1 . 5/7/2009
As promised. :)

Please feel free to disregard anything I say. Lol. It is all, after all, just my opinion, and most of the advice is for if you plan on editing this in the future. So I encourage you to say "Pah! Screw her, what does she know?" if you don't agree with me. :)

I've always been a big fan of "Once upon a time..."-esque stories. And it's not often that a story is written in the present tense, so props for trying to tackle it.

At the same time, pay close attention to how the story is being told, the voice of the story. Many people underestimate the use of narration, and instead, focus on description, dialogue, plot twists, and so on. But one of the great things about narration is that it's a very subtle and very effective way to develop the character, to make the character come alive, as opposed to just being a voice on the page. Something that distinguishes the way she speaks from someone else.

For example, if you were to hear two different friends of yours tell a story, the sound of their voices aside, you could probably distinguish them right away. Narration is like snowflakes, no two people will be the same.

So as you're writing, try to shape the character through the telling of the story. It will do wonders more than physical attributes, adjectives, and adverbs combined. :)

One of the things that I noticed was that, sometimes, Cassie sounds like a young child. Then in other parts, she'll be cursing her pretty little face off. It's important to craft a coherent sense of who your character is, or else these discrepancies will throw off not only the reader, but also the character him/herself.

On the technical side, there a few minor tense and grammatical issues. But we all tend to slip up here and there. Nothing a good beta can't fix. :) The important thing is that they don't detract from the story.

I'm enjoying the flow of your dialogue very much-something many authors struggle with. Cassie's conversations with Steve are smooth, and the transitions are not awkward at all.

Although, and this is just a personal pet peeve of mine, I think your story could be much more powerful without the use of internal dialogue. Especially in terms of developing Cassie as your main female protagonist. I think that's one of the elements that take away from the believability of her age.

One thing I would suggest is to slow down the writing a little bit. In the end, you want the readers to believe it, to feel it, and to wrap themselves up in your story. So don't ever feel the need to rush scenes. Especially when you're writing about emotion. (The latter scenes with Steve.) Because if the readers aren't convinced, then the passage loses its magic.

Take the time to add more detail, and not just descriptions either, because God knows I hate writing descriptions myself. ;D I'd be such a hypocrite if I told you to fill your story with them. But details can be anything that plumps the story up, adding flesh and richness to the experience of reading it. They also make the story-telling smoother. Try and find a balance from Cassie's thoughts, to what is happening around her, to what she's feeling, etc. Even little details will give your story more life. :)

I am, of course, loving the magical elements. There's such freedom in being able to create anything you want, and you've utilized your imagination very well.

Just be careful that the story doesn't turn into a satire (unless that is the effect you were aiming for). With all the charm and enchantment of a magical world, and the parody to the original fairy tale, if the story mocks too much, then readers won't take the relationship between Cassie and Steve very seriously. This will undermine all the effort you put into creating the emotion between the two of them in their last scene. But I think this can easily be mediated through the Cassie's narration. :)

I think what I love most about this one-shot is that it touches on a theme that is beyond just Cassie's love story with Steve. It questions and makes the reader think about the underlying foundation of the so-called 'true love' that Disney has indoctrinated into us. The battle between choice and destiny/fate is a very old motif in literature, and you've embodied it superbly in your work. :)

And I do love the "this is like reality" line at the end. It was a very nice touch.

Overall, I had lots of fun reading this. We all need a little more cute lighthearted goodness these days. :)

Okay, it is now time for me to shut up. Don't hesitate to PM me if you ever want to chat about your writing. And best of luck with your stories!
The Perfect Verse chapter 1 . 5/7/2009
It was cute and unique. Loved it!
Alice Heist chapter 1 . 5/4/2009
"No, Stever, this is like reality."

I love that line. Hooray, silly fairytale romance!

Great story. There were some silly grammar and spelling errors, I think, but otherwise, very well put together.

Though, the name Finzella is questionable. But, the nickname pulls out okay.

Lovely story. Thank you for the good read.

Alice Heist.
SparklingStar25 chapter 1 . 5/2/2009
That was soo cute!

loved it!
Trench Coats Suck chapter 1 . 5/2/2009
Great Oneshot very sweet
toffeecakesxox chapter 1 . 5/1/2009
that was adorable; despite the lack of some punctuation marks, i loved it. :)

-toffeecakesxox.
x3life chapter 1 . 5/1/2009
aw how cute )
mandie chapter 1 . 5/1/2009
cute! i like it!
xxcanyouseemexx chapter 1 . 5/1/2009
WOW i loved it!

was amazing!

so well written

you should write more

loveyou

x
N.M.E chapter 1 . 4/30/2009
Now that was different! I liked it a lot! It was so cute. Not the usual clichéd "and-they-lived-happily-ever-after" ending. It was nice. I liked the plot a lot. Finally! Some girl who doesn't marry a prince and chooses a normal person instead! Loved it!
Faithfully Yours chapter 1 . 4/30/2009
I really enjoyed your story! The characters were all very interesting and the ending was just so cute! )
paperxdreams chapter 1 . 4/29/2009
CHERRY!

that was awesome,really I loved it. It was really interesting how you changed the usual fairytale stories made it so much only critique i can give is some of the events happened a little too fast but anyway it was so great. I can't wait for the sequel :D great job *hugs*

xoxoNatxoxo
spinelesslysweet chapter 1 . 4/28/2009
yo!

i love this! absolutely adore it! i love the setting (fairlyland, ha!), love steve (lad could give that prince a run for his money), love cassie(sucha cutie) and finny(so yay! for the spinoff.)! two words: EPIC WIN!

you go girl!
17 | Page 1 2 Next »