Reviews for A Phoenix's Rise |
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Fyraga chapter 10 . 12/25/2009 Awesomeness. Sorry I haven't reviewed but been kinda busy. ANyways, this story is getting good and im anxious to see what happens next! Please update soon! |
mccorza chapter 10 . 11/7/2009 I love your story Please keep writing :) |
Alexandrawrites chapter 9 . 10/3/2009 Wow! I reread this and it's AMAZING! Great job! |
Alexandrawrites chapter 1 . 10/3/2009 Very good writing. I really liked it and am excited to read more, keep writing. update soon |
Ersa Crayold chapter 8 . 9/27/2009 Review #6 "This world and the way I got were beyond the improbable." I think you meant: "This world and the way I [arrived] were beyond the improbable." "Then, she turned to be boy ferociously." to "Then, she turned to the boy ferociously." Plot - Eep, I want more! Now! XD Really though, I'm addicted. I love all the mystery surrounding the story. It really makes the reader wonder. I know we're not supposed to put this but please update soon! Characters - I love the dynamics of the characters. Before, you already kind of hinted at Leo's conflicting persona with Serenity but it's fun to read the actual thing. Ending - Simple and clean cut, like before. I'm almost angry (as an addicted reader) at how brief it was, lol, even though it's really a good thing. I hope you keep up your good writing for the rest of the story. _ |
Ersa Crayold chapter 7 . 9/27/2009 "had be close" to "had better be close" (or "to" depending on how you intended it to be) "though why" to "though, why" "I would’ve expect" to "I would’ve expected" "hot; but before" to "hot; before" (You don't need but if you have a semicolon.) You switch tenses in this sentence: "I lift my bruised body up and looked at the lump." "I [lift] {present} my bruised body up and [looked] {past} at the lump. "promptly crumbled holding" to "promptly crumbled, holding" Writing - I really liked this line: "Warm air outside in the winter was as illogical as a fire without a reason." There were more adverbs in this chapter than needed. Like: "With the bright sun of midday shining upon him, I could clearly see his grossly burnt arm." It would have been just fine as: "With the bright sun of midday shining upon him, I could see his grossly burnt arm." Ending - Okay, so fainting is kind of an easy ending for a chapter; I myself have trouble with it too. But, I think that if you only use it once or twice then it's fine. Characters - Once again, I love the character development. I love how you described her despair when the portal wouldn't open. |
Ersa Crayold chapter 6 . 9/27/2009 Review #4 "hinting the ground" to "hitting the ground" I didn't find any other grammatical errors. Plot - Whoo! The plot thickens. I'm completely hooked now. I almost forgot to press the review button because I wanted to read on. In any case, I love the suspense in the storyline right now. Writing - I couldn't find any adverbs or gerund phrases so I think your doing a good job. There were a couple of run on sentences though which I can't really tell you how to fix so just when you're proofreading look out for those. Ending - I like how the closer you got to the ending, the shorter the sentences got. It made the reader more anticipated for what will happen next. |
Ersa Crayold chapter 5 . 9/27/2009 Review #3 Awesome chapter, as before. "I was had hit the grass" to "I had hit the grass" "prime suspect in for the second fire" to "prime suspect for the second fire in two days" Writing - I like how you indent whenever you want to stress a point. Like: "And this boy would soon be dead." It makes the reader know that this point is important. Enjoyment - I like the excitement of the scene. I really was on the edge of my seat the entire time I was reading. I even breathed a sigh of relief when the two of them both made it out alive. Plot - So far I don't see any cliched concepts which is very good. It's kind of covered right now because of all the excitement but it seems to be all original. |
Ersa Crayold chapter 4 . 9/27/2009 Review #2 "Ihad" to "I had" "before rough hand" to "before a rough hand" OR "before rough hands" WOW. And let me just say again: WOW. Really, this third chapter drew me into the plot of your story. So she has the power to set things on fire? Damn, so much conflict and storyline. Very nice and original. I like how the characters are further developed. You had such a short chapter yet they were still very dynamic. The ending is also nicely written, again. I love how you put your characters in such a risky situation so early on in your story. |
Ersa Crayold chapter 3 . 9/27/2009 Multi Chap - Depth Review # 1 "was happen" to "was happening" "and worthless one" to "and [a] worthless one" "the fire aren’t?" to "the fire, aren’t you?” "fireman to house" to "fireman got to the house" "both died uncried." to "both died, uncried." "doctor exchange quick glances" to "doctor [exchanged] quick glances" (Since you used "protested" which is past tense in this sentence, you have to stay in the same tense throughout.) "opened again; They" to "opened again. They" (or uncapitalize the they and keep the semi-colon.) There was a few times in this chapter where you should have started a new paragraph because of a new dialogue but you didn't, just watch out for them. Opening - Because it's the second chapter I didn't expect any flowery opening scene. You did a good job in, I guess, not doing that. No, really and I'm not saying this just to take up room to meet the requirements. I don't know how many times I see a writer on FP try to decorate the opening of their chapters so much that it takes away from the writing overall. Ending - I like the abruptness and surprise, it made the reader want to read on. Though, I do find it kind of odd that an attacker would choose a hospital as a place to strike. Character - Your characters are really believable. Because you explain all of their feelings and thoughts the reader can better understand them. |
Radiant Coffee Mug chapter 2 . 9/18/2009 As I had promised (or voluntarily), I am reading your story! :D Note first and foremost that I probably won't be able to give as good a review as you had given me, but I'll try lol. Same goes with all other chapters. ~~ The prologue portion was enticing. It drew us in with the details of the forest, the night, the darkness that tugged at the cloaked woman, and the woman. Clearly, the fantasy aspects were portrayed, as it'd be hard to make me doubt that she used some sort of chant or invocation to open the tree (or the scar, rather). As Chapter 1 opens up, it's also easier to redirect the two together, as something clearly happened that night fifteen years ago. In terms of plot, you opened us to the current setting with a parent and his teenage daughter. Main character, Serenity, puts off as a person that is somewhat straightforward (or blunt), thinking that she did nothing wrong while her foster parent has to mediate between dealing with her as a father, and as a headmaster of the school. I assumed that the posterchild business is more indirect, and an unofficial title given by the jeering kids. So far, the characters introduced and their relationships have been established somewhat clearly. The setting is a bit sketch since you also put in psychiatrist, so I am not sure anymore if it's completely fantasy (meaning another world) or a mixture of fantasy and modern. Actually, that's probably just a minor problem. The area between her swelling of rage and upon realizing that the headmaster disappeared was a bit convoluted. The transition was a bit confusing, and I felt it could have been done better just to make it clearer. "Against common sense, I stood and closed the distance between me and the old man. My vision swam. He was nothing but a red mass now. I pulled my hand back, ready to strike, reveling in the reckless power coursing through me." - "Against common sense, I left my seat and approached the old geezer (maybe lol). Colors drained from my eyes and all I could see was crimson and the hateful mass in front of me. Reeling my fist back, I was ready to strike him down with the reckless power that coursed through me." (maybe?) "And then there was a roar like the release of a taut string. A scream of terror pierced my hazy mind, seeming to go on forever in that darkness. My vision sharpened and blurred again. The chair was before me, overturned. The Headmaster was not." - "Like the release of a taut string, something snapped in the back of my hazy mind. An inhuman shriek pierced the dark recess and disappeared into the abysmal void. My vision sharpened, blurred, and returned to focus. The chair was before me, broken. The Headmaster was not." "I forced themselves open but could not penetrate the fog quickly smothering the room." What is 'themselves'? It's the door right? It feels weird to have you trying to force open the headmaster that was not present at the scene. Se could just be looking for the door, and trying to split apart the black smoke trying to search for it. "And then I realized the truth. He had already left, as the chair was overturned." This is a bit odd. How did Serenity know that? An overturned chair is not enough to show that. Did Serenity hit the chair after the Headmaster escaped using that small frame in time when she was trapped in flaming anger? Didn't she at least feel some sort of impact to know that the headmaster wasn't there? Perhaps an opened window, a locked door, something the Headmaster left behind? A bit more additional details would surely make it more evident and real. Otherwise, a great beginning so far :D ~Kagami |
Twyla Cole chapter 6 . 8/29/2009 Really nice concept. Firstly, nice opening. You started right off the bat bold and strong. You really grabbed the attention of the reader. I noticed that the way your character speaks is very realistic. very true and honest but then you get into the narration and it seems to get so formal as if the voice was a third party. THe urgency was in the voice, and Ill get to that in a the narration (which is supposed to be her right?) it wasnt the style of the character's. DO you know what i mean? But your urgency was good. Your sentences were short and brief and curt and that makes for and urgent and quick feeling and when your sentences are long they are long winded making us tired which is good in this sense. Your boy was very dramatic. and im trying to decide if i like it or not. i think i understand why, but why does he just blurt out some of the stuff he does? i would think he would just be more pushy rather than revealing? i dont know. there was something about him that seemed false and maybe you wanted that. but over all, really good. intense! haha really good. Truly, Twyla Cole |
The Lucy Program chapter 3 . 8/16/2009 Haha first I'd like to state that for my prologue review, I really did like it, and I'm liking this story. I would call it a "good" review. XD. Anyway, onto the review. Grammar! Paragraph two: "I looked around for a minute, trying to figure out what was happen." Did you mean 'trying to figure out what happened', or 'trying to figure out what was happening'? I'm leaning more towards the first one, because if she's in the hospital, then clearly not a lot is currently happening. Also, 'all right' is two words, not one. :] Big pet peeve of mine. LOL. Also, you're forgetting words again. "You're here to question me about the fire aren't?" You're missing "you". And "The doctor assured of my privacy and this room’s relative obscurity." You're missing "me" in between 'assured' and 'of'. The scene where the doctor/officer/lawyer people come into the room was kind of strange. In hospitals, doctors would not knock before coming into a patient's room. And, if they did, and they heard her say "come in", they would not say "oh look, you're awake." Clearly, she's awake; she said "come in". It would be more realistic if Serenity heard the door opening and put herself into a sitting position as the people came in, and then the doctor said, "Ah, Ms. Hallinor, you're awake." I suppose it's minor, but it struck me as really unrealistic for a doctor to knock. Your descriptions were a bit lacking in this chapter. I had no real visual given to me of the surroundings or what anyone looked like. It was a bit disappointing because I was pleased with the way you painted the previous chapter's settings and characters for me, but failed to do the same in this one. You did a pretty nice job with the characters of the lawyer and cop. The lawyer was so annoying, but sadly, there are annoying people in this world. I liked the cop. Both were relateable, easily the kinds of people everyone has met at some point. Again, nice job with the cliffhanger. :] You leave the reader plenty of questions. Is she dreaming? Where'd she go? What's going on? I want to keep reading and figure out what happens next. Nicely done. Blessed Be, TLP. |
The Lucy Program chapter 2 . 8/16/2009 The dialogue between the Headmaster and Serenity flowed nicely. It really sounded like a conversation between an angry teen and a concerned parental figure. I could believe the conversation was happening. The relationship between them was also fairly believable. Angsty teen with a guardian who didn't usually show her affection and love, but really did care deep down, and the teen does not give a sh*t. That's, sadly, a not unusual scenario among teens. Good job for being realistic. Your opening was a bit confusing; what's this about being a poster child if she sees a therapist? And why would the Headmaster be in the therapy room with them? Your opening did catch my attention for a moment; I was like, oh, wow, she's not pulling this into modern day, she's still going medieval like. But even when you slipped into modern day, I wasn't put off. It was nicely done. Your descriptions were nice and vivid. I really got an idea of what was going on, like I could get a picture in my head of the settings. The closing was good too. There's nothing quite like having the chapter end with the MC blacking out or falling asleep (I believe I've done that thrice already with my story Mal'ethil XD Whoops LOL). It's an easy way to slip into a cliffhanger that wants me reading more (what happened to her? Where will she be when she wakes up?) and, obviously, you want readers to want to read on. Blessed Be, TLP. |
The Lucy Program chapter 1 . 8/14/2009 Your opening paragraph, though reeking of cliche, was still good and got me interested. Though repetition in the beginning paragraph or prologue can make it sound poetic and somewhat debonair, the repetition in your opening was almost confusing. "The threat of shadows… the threat of them swooping in and prying off her resisting hands always, always, in her head." I had to run over that a few times. I would make a suggestion as to how you could better word that, but honestly, I don't know if you were talking about the shadows escaping her "resisting hands" or if they were trying to pull her hands off the bundle; it feels like you're missing words, most prominently between "prying off her resisting hands" and "always, always, in her head". Confusion for the reader is okay this early in the game, if it's presented plotwise, but simply sentence-wise, no, it's not a good idea. Clearly, there is little known thus far about the plot, but as the story begins with a cliche, it is natural to assume the rest of the story is predictable. As soon as you told us the bundle contained a baby, you furthered along the sweet cliche. This is nice for a short prologue, because I feel as though I could predict what might happen next, like I can get a bit of insight into the plot. What's also good about flowing along on a cliche like this is, I almost want to play a game with myself, read the next chapter or two just for the sake of seeing if my prediction is right. (I predict the baby is someone special, and you'll jump right into the baby's adolescence or adulthood in the next chapter.) Your punctuation could use a bit of work; you seemed to be missing commas in some areas. "These not human not beast creatures joined hands." If you wish to not add commas, and make it "These not human, not beast, creatures joined hands" or even "These creatures, neither human nor beast, joined hands" (I prefer the latter; it flows more smoothly), you could probably get away with "These not-human-not-beast creatures joined hands." Also, "She blocked her ears, closed her frantic eyes. but she could get not" needs to have a comma where that period is. The closing was good. You left a hint of a cliffhanger, which is always fun, and makes me want to read on. I enjoyed this prologue. No, I wasn't on the edge of my seat with my nose an inch away from my monitor, but I wasn't bored either. The prologue is supposed to be relatively simple and short, and you did a nice job with the small amount of word you worked with. I liked your use of cliche and mystery. Blessed Be, TLP. |