|Reviews for Once Upon A Time|
| Double Plus Special chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
I liked it. Overall it evokes emotion very well. And it's nice to see another femmeslash author on here. )
I particularly liked the ending. It feels very final and sad, and had me wondering what is it about the narrator that made her unable to communicate with her ex? The reversal works well. That she hated all these things about her girlfriend yet feels compelled to buy the 'blackberry jam' because she still loves her is so bitter and relationship realistic.
Although, at times I wanted to slap the narrator for being so horrible, and she seems kind of confused with what she wants. Like, hating sleeping close but incapable of sleeping apart, but that's probably the effect you were going for. I just don't think it made the narrator very likable.
Some of the lines feel a little clumsy. They could be re-worked for flow. Like this one "And there was absolutely none of me pushing you away when you tried to sit by me and apologize." I could be wrong, but it seems as if you wrote this all at once and it could do with a bit of editing.
The spelling here was jarring, "like how you ordered a different favor every time we went to the ice cream stand with 126 flavors." Favor instead of flavor probably passed word check, but it stood out to me because ordering favors is a possibility too.
But yeah, I liked it. )
| somniorum chapter 1 . 9/7/2009
A few things:
~ "favor every time": Typo in there.
~"I told you I hated how you were always sorry
and a hundred other things about you, like how you ordered a different favor every time we went to the
ice cream stand with 126 flavors, and how half the time you didn't even like the
flavor you got anyway, and the way you wrote songs for me but never actually
wrote them down so you forgot them within a week and had to write me a new one." ; This sentence is too long. You might want to break it down starting with "the way you wrote songs.."
~ "I'll never tell you that I miss everything you are,"; The end of the sentence sounds somehow broken. Or at least, to me it feels that way. /
On other matters, I loved how this was so beautifully heartfelt. Every sentence tied around the other, forming a paragraph and letting you see the emotion in it as clearly as if it was right in front of you.
It was a great job how you managed to tie it all together in the end; you gave the reader a sense of expectancy- even though the first few paragraphs were written in despise, you just know there's going to be a contrary towards it. Simply amazing. :)
| so i sing to the stars chapter 1 . 5/3/2009
I was about to call this sweet but then I realized it wasn't exactly sweet so much as it was... m. It was very real and very raw and I want to say regretful but it's much more than that. Even a little bitter, perhaps? I dunno.
But I do know it was very good. :)
I apologize for not reviewing in months- literally. I kept on forgetting and forgetting and I feel bad. :P
| Xonelel chapter 1 . 5/2/2009
this was really heartfelt.
I loved how you kept a few small themes and writing styles and centered the piece around them. It made everything click together, and I don't know if this is a true story or not but it was really touching. very poetic.