Oh, no! I want Chris and Dawn to be together, please make it so.

Hey!

I liked the fact that we finally get to see things from Dawn's perspective ~ she seems to be just as docile in her thoughts as could be gleaned from her description, kinda like the damsel in the tower type character. Also, you managed to weave in a bit of her relevant history too, rather than telling us everything about her life up to now.

Just a few typos:

On a few occasions you spell Christable instead of Christabel

The day’s dying embers slid slowly behind his two story [storey] house

Update soon!

~ Sakina x

Interesting...at this stage, I'm not quite sure just how big a role Dawn will have to play, and I also found it interesting how you hadn't included any of her speech...*strokes chin thoughtfully* his girl reminds me of a roe deer, hehe. And Chris seems to be something of a major perfectionist!

Just a few minor things:

She’d shopped for exotic cheeses at her local wine spirits cigar and deli warehouse, and had also been coaxed in to [into] bringing home

Contented, she moved on to [onto] the girl’s attire.

Her graceful glide in to [into] the passenger seat suggestive of nobility. Chris ventured to wondered [wonder] how a girl of her age and circumstance might have acquired such skills.

~ Sakina x

Ah, so you switch POV. I don't really know what to make of Alice's personality, as you haven't really given her many defining/memorable assets, other than truth-listening. Maybe incorporate some colloqualisms or set phrases into her dialogue?

Other than that, this flowed pretty well, and your characterisation of the husband was pretty funny... :P

Just watch out for your "into"s:

taking care all the while not to dip the ample sleeves of her silky multi-colored robe in to [into] them

Alice picked up both mugs and made her way past Stephanie who followed her in to [into] the living room

~ Sakina x

Yo,

This chappy seems pretty much the same to what I recall, so don't mind me if I say the same things ~ nice touches of humour here and there kept the mood light enough despite the brooding thoughts, and your dialogue is more than believable. Good balance of humour versus emo wallowing... :P

OK, just some tiny nit picky things I caught, here and there:

asked the robust New-Yorker in that little Italy [Italian] accent

Chris, overtaken by a flood of recollection, stepped in to [into] her office

only worn her down, like the tread of a tire [tyre]

“Nothing bad is going to happen, everything will be fine[,]”

~ Sakina x

Hey there!

OK, this is much better than version 1. Why? Description ~ you managed to convey your main character's POV via description of the setting and of what she expected the pimp to be wearing. In addition, you've made things less confusing by being more explicit, which was lacking before, but now, not only have you set the scene, but you've also revealed so much information about your characters.

Love that line: "or rather, what Al had been wasting his money on when he wanted female company."

Haha, that's great ~ "Mr 2.3 minutes"!

Just saw two little errors easily corrected:

Chris stepped in to [into]

Pretty girl, if you’re in to [into] vampires

~ Sakina x

Wow, I commend you on your really unique idea for a story, I liked it because it was unconventional, a boyfriend/girlfriend rental agency who supplies vampires? awe-some! One thing that was a little shaky for me was the way you just jumped right into the story because you didn't seem to take a ton of time to explain things, but I think you all in all did a good job on pulling it together towards the end, I figured out what was going on eventually, with enough hints to help. Your grammar and spelling seems to be fine, I didn't catch anything, though it isn't really my strength. This was a solid beginning with a good idea, and your character seems decent enough to expand on!

This chapter was actually quite funny! I enjoyed reading it immensely. I could actually picture the look on Chris' face when she saw Dawn.

Looking forward to the revenge part, which hopefully, must be in the next chapter. If not I have the rest of the fiction to look forward to.

BSP X