|Reviews for Rebirth|
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 5/14/2009
I really liked the way you seem to drop us into the action, but keep us guessing about what has actually happened. It is a long sentence though and would benefit from being broken up a bit. I would also have liked to have more information about where they were.
I loved Dan though, it was a wonderful set up having him really not get what’s wrong and then having Annalise going nuts and thinking about the colour of handbags. Is the colour she mentions the colour of the blood or something else? I liked the way you started with it at the beginning and brought it up at the end as well. It added to the creepiness having something macabre for Annalise to focus on.
The end of the first part was really good as well.
“I’m up because you woke me up.” – Haha.
I’m enjoying the relationship between Dan and Annalise as well. It’s fascinating the way she’s disapproving and knows that he’s crazy, but follows him anyway and seems to have some deep rooted affection for him.
I like the way Dan talks about ‘fixing’ the rats as though being dead was merely an electrical problem. And the hint of them as zombie rats that aren’t quite right added to the creepiness.
what we are going to do with this man after he is revived. If he is revived. I don’t think he can be revived. – this was a wicked line too. Seeing everything through the eyes of someone not directly involved, and reacting much more normally to it, was a good way of showing what was going on.
| Freaky Fred chapter 1 . 5/12/2009
I have mixed feelings about the first sentence. Since it's done in present tense, I like how it's blabbering on, especially because it sounds like how a real person would talk in this situation. But I don't like how it's long and I had to read it twice to understand. Matter of taste, probably?
"...and maybe they should design handbags with it."
The first part really got my attention; I like how you started right in-or right /after/ the action.
I don't like the way you started the second part. (I'm going on the little dividers, in case I'm confusing you. Sorry.) I think that sentence was long without as much reason, and for some reason I just don't like the "how to describe to you" part.
"I knew it was Dan and it was two in the morning and the combination has never, ever, ended well..."
I like that line, too.
"I fell asleep on the drive. Daniel was blabbing about rebirth with the radio on..."
I think "and the radio was on" or something like it would make more sense.
MAYBE I'm overthinking it, but does she start calling him "Daniel" after he shoots the homeless guy because she's...scared of him or something?
You did a good job during the last part , making me want to keep reading. A lot.
And I like the very last sentence; leaves something to make me want to go and read the next chapter.
| Sugarloafin chapter 1 . 5/12/2009
Ok, had to get that out of my system. First I like how Annalise is horrified by the whole thing, yet can't say no to her best friend and his smiles. It seems very realistic to me that way.
Some of her internal thoughts and narration seemed a bit redundant or unneccesary to me. This line in particular:
-“It’s two in the morning, Dan.” I pointed out, because it was.-
Saying that she pointed it out, because it was 2am, is a little pointless since her diologue has already told us that. There are only two speakers so it isn't really needed to identify her as the giver of the line. It just adds extra clutter and gets in the way of the flow of the story.
All in all an entertaining read. It's always fun to read the thoughts of someone who is panicing and faced with zombies :)
| Sarahj259 chapter 1 . 5/12/2009
I LOVE ZOMBIES...
...sorry I'm a zombie fanatic...like as in I am prepared the eventual zombie apocaylpse (I also cannot spell)...this story makes me happy! YAY for writing a zombie story!
| MaeMaes chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
Wow. o.o Okay, so your fic is really really intense. I'm not sure I liked the way you set up the prose, what with the ever-trailing sentences that left my head spinning. At the same time, I feel like that's the exact reason why Annalise seemed to have a slipping grip on reality (not to mention her sanity, lol).
Anyway, although the writing could be confusing at times, the story itself was really gripping. I want to know what happens to Dan, if anything horrible happens. XD
Another thing, though. Watch out for the redundancy that comes up in your description sometimes. It's not a big deal, but it gets repetitive. ; You had like "reeling" quite a few times in the beginning.
Also, you mentioned Annalise edging away from the blood that was "seeping" towards her. Blood cannot seep towards her unless it's going through something (like clothing, per se). The verb was just an incorrect one and it threw me off for a bit. ; Anyway, happy writing!
| bringmayflowers chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
dottie - you DO realize that I influenced writ to write that story so technically I influenced you too? haha. oh what a small world! :P
anyway... i really liked the narrator's voice and her name... oh my gosh. i love love love it! annalise is such a pretty name.
i also like how you can't really tell what is going on
except i sort of knew because somebody told me in a private message... hmm... i wonder who that was...
anyway i liked how it was like Frankenstein- very dark, very mysterious.
i especially liked the last line:
"Dan opens the door, and that’s when we know that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong."
i am sorry in advance if this review makes no sense. tonight is my last night here and i am wired on brownies from starbucks and apple juice haha. i also have packed many of my things and it is so so sad. i hate it. and tomorrow i go home. so my brain is everywhere but here
but i love love love you dottie
| Written chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
not going to lie, upon seeing this, my first thought was "SCI FI YAY". I wish everyone wrote sci fi. all the time. okay, not really, but still. you've got to admit that it's kind of an under served genre on FP.
my next first thought: I love the narrator's voice. she seems totally creeped out by dan, and as a result, we the readers are totally freaked out too.
the next thing I was going to say was that I like the way you talk about rebirth and renewal in this and its sort of almost symbolic or something.
(Dan stops talking. “Annalise?” he says, and his voice is suddenly inflected with concern. “Are you okay? You look a little green.”)
his nonchalance is kind of hilarious here.
(I could see Dan’s eyes light up, and that is the only time I didn’t regret my decision.)
(That was the sound I focused on the most—sharp, staccato, like his knocks and his voice.)
love this line! it says so much.
(I noticed when he stopped the car, because all the sound stopped.)
i think it's interesting how you chose to put this, especially because of the paragraph right before this.
(the explanation already flooding from his mouth)
wow. love this entire scene to be honest. all the little details you note say so much, like the feeling that he'd done it before. very nice and very creepy!
(I think it at this point that all the regrets coalesce, and I freak out.)
random thought: you are missing a word here, right? but anyway, this is a great line regardless. i love the way you phrased things in this story.
annalise's reactions are great too.
I had assumed that they were dating but knowing that they are friends is actually kind of cooler.
Wow, I love the ending... it's like this ominous feeling of WE DID IT... but then followed by WE SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS... and then the terror. IT'S GREAT BASICALLY.
so I think that this would have worked on its own, but I'm super excited to see more of it. because I just can't get enough!
ALSO, as usual, love the narrative style (you really capture what a normal person would feel like in these circumstances) and the use of present tense. always smooth, never too obvious. just subtle, and good.
and also, re: your author note, I am glad that "liberation girl" inspired you to write sci fi! because sci fi rocks!
| andeleted chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
Okay the first paragraph/sentence, I have some issues with.
I think it's a great beginning with the description, but it is MUCH too long to be just one sentence. I, personally, don't know how to go about fixing it. I'm no good with grammar, but I do know that it should be divided up. It's just a little distracting when I don't have a period to rest on.
There are a few more runons and such, but it's all easily fixed.
I love the beginning, it has me much more than interested. I'm writing this review as I read, so I don't forget anything.
I really love the way you describe things. It's frantic, in a good way, and it really adds to the emotion of the story. I can completely feel her shock when Dan shot the homeless man.
EE! Zombies! Haha, I love zombies. I think you executed it in a non-predictable fashion too~ It wasn't until near the end I started to think of the Z word. Probably because Annalise is convinced Dan is nuts...which he is(btw LOST Dan is great!...or was).
Also, I love how they are not an item. It gives something to their relationship that, if they were a couple, I think they wouldn't have. What that something is, I have no clue, but it's there.
Love the ending, the cliff hanger is great, I definitely can't wait for chapter 2~
| F. Duplaire chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
oh! i really enjoyed reading this. your narrative style is easy to follow and very nice to read (if that makes sense). i thought that the character interactions seemed genuine and really liked annalise's commentary on dan towards the end of the chapter. there was just the right amount of creepiness, and i'm glad the chapter ended in a cliff hanger, i'll defiantly check back for the next chapter.
as a side note, i think 'dan the zombie man' would be a hilarious title.
| owlvisions chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
Nice! Love this story, love the plot, love the emotions, love the descriptions, love the characters, love it all!